I Need a Shepherd

It comes down to this - will I trust God to defend me?  I don't know if I've written about this yet, can't remember, but we've had our first wine delivery disaster.  We shipped with UPS to a customer outside Toronto and not only did they lose an entire case (read: stole), but they also broke 3 bottles, repackaged the remaining bottles into a old grocery store box with some scrunched up paper and made it look like that's how we ship bottles.  AWFUL.  The customer thinks we have no idea how to ship wine and it looks like we don't know how to fulfill orders.

But then I read about Mary this morning and how she was wrongly accused.  She was found to be pregnant before she was married and Joseph had decided to divorce her quietly.  No one believed what she said had happened, i.e., the angel appearing to her.  It seemed too far-fetched.  But in the Bible study I read, it simply said she had to trust God to vindicate her.  She had to trust Him to come to her defense.  I am in a situation where I must do the same.  I want to explain away what happened.  I want to make sure everyone knows, "It wasn't us!"  "We do know how to ship wine!"  But all I can do is deliver it by myself, apologize for the terrible mistake and hope for the best.  I truly have to leave it in God's hands, so that was a good reminder to me.

Mary also probably second-guessed to herself many times, "Did I really see an angel?"  No doubt there were times when her mind was full of questions, but God doesn't leave her there.  He sent shepherds.  Shepherds came and told her, they, too, had seen angels and that they knew she had just delivered the Son of God.  The Star, the shepherds, the angels....if anyone was doubting, God put all their doubts to rest.  That's what I pray all the time - just send me some encouragement, Lord.  Send someone to reassure me, whenever doubts enter my mind.

My son was full of hope this week - he has now heard from two schools out east.  He had hoped so badly to hear that he had an interview out there, but now, two for two, it's a no go.  But, back to Mary.  We heard a sermon this past week about her as well.  The pastor was talking about Mary and her plans.  She had so many plans.  She was going to marry Joseph.  She was in the exciting betrothal stage.  Yet her plans were completely upset and that was his point.  We all have plans.  He went on to say that sometimes our plans are pleasant, perplexing or painful.  Well, that just about nails it.  My son sure had plans.  He had moved out east in his mind.  I had moved with him.  I had pictured the drive out there with him, dropping him off.  I was so excited for him.  I knew he was going there.  I had enough faith for him, myself and every med student they were going to interveiw.  I knew he was going to get in.  But he didn't.  As the schools get checked off, one by one, his hope is fading.  But the pastor didn't leave us in despair.  He told us about how Mary responded.  "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be according to your word."  Ok, here's my translation, "Behold, no way, I am NOT the servant of the Lord, too angry and sad.  Let it be to me and my son according to MY word."  I should be struck down just for writing it.  I sat there in the pew on Sunday and the pastor had the nerve to read my mind and my son's.  He said, "Maybe you are waiting to get into a school...."  What?!  How did he know?!  He went on and said that we have to have the same response as Mary.  Fighting words.  Calm down.  We are supposed to think to ourselves when our plans get interrupted, "I am the servant of the Lord.  Whatever you do, I know your plans for me are good.  Let it be to me......." just like Mary.  As I sat in the pew that day it was easy to say because I knew he was getting in, so of course I could say, "Sure!  Let it be to me, let it be to my son, according to your word..."  No problem.  I even turned to my son when the sermon was over, "You have to be able to say that this week when you hear."  He knew.  He thought the same thing.  But the whole time we waited, I anticipated how he was going to tell me how he had the interview.  Then, on Monday morning - he heard - no interview.  It is SO different to know how to react and then to actually be put to the test.  However, the sermon did help.  The sermon did allow both of us to read the email and just calmly go on with our day.  By faith, though we were soooooo disappointed, there was this reminder that all God's plans our good.  But right about now I could use a shepherd to remind me of that.  Send a shepherd!  To me, to my son.  

So that's been the week - amongst a thousand other things - I will keep hoping for my son and one day we'll understand why going out east wasn't right.  We have to trust God and not yell at him.  Faith is kind of exciting when you can stand back and be objective, but that takes a lot of faith muscle to do that.  I guess I'll just have to keep working out my faith muscles.

"The Jonas Manifesto" and "The War Measures Act"

I normally don't write my children's names in the post, but this time I just have to.  We are currently in the middle of writing "The Jonas Manifesto".  My husband put it this way yesterday, "We are invoking The War Measures Act" on him.  Everyone who meets Jonas loves Jonas.  He's amazing.  He's full of life and lives it to the fullest - every single second of the day he's moving, talking, living life to the absolute fullest and everyone sees this.  This is what they love about him.  However, this constant living to the fullest has a downside as we long for him to live life to the fullest for the glory of God, not for the glory of Jonas, thus, The War Measures Act.  

With the other children we never had to invoke such measures - they typically listened to correction, rebuke and training in righteousness.  This guy isn't quite the same.  He seems to think he is in charge most days, in charge of me, in charge of his siblings (and I don't mean the 9 year old - I mean the 23, 22, 20, 17, 15 and 13 year olds....)  He actually bosses them all around and expects them to listen to him.  On any given day he'll basically attempt to tell me how he thinks his day should and will go.  If it doesn't go according to his plan, well...that's a problem.

So I pray and I pray.  Every day I start a new day, asking the Lord for help, wisdom, patience.  We all love him so much and our family wouldn't be the same without him as the life he brings to our family is amazing!  I don't want him to change, I just want him to conform to the will of God, to my authority, to be the best Jonas he can be.  It's kind of like training a tsunami to go the other way.  Not really that easy and quite unnatural to him.

As I trust God for his life, a unique opportunity has shown itself.  If I were a celebrity parent I would send my child to boarding school to "get fixed".  My husband and I have joked that it's an option, but I know that would kill him.  I'll NEVER do that.  I won't even send him to a Christian school down the street.  That would kill him, too.  I am so determined to be beside this boy as much as I can - he can hardly stand it.  The opportunity that has shown up is like a school, in the form of a co-op.  I typically don't do co-ops.  In fact, I don't really like them, but this one seems different.  It's not free -eeek, but maybe that's why it works because you're invested.  A few families from church have started homeschooling and they are homeschooling hard core.  I have always homeschooled hard core, too, but with a waaaay more relaxed hardcoredness (new word?).  I've avoided this type of learning on purpose for years and have done fine.  My older kids prove to me, whatever we did seemed to work.  But this younger set are not the same and now that's it's basically just me and the younger 3, it seems like something has to change.  If I can scrape some extra cash together, I'm considering this co-op for January. 

My husband was totally against it.  I knew he would be so I've been slowly talking about it for awhile now, but then yesterday I explained to him how my son is needing more discipline within the home, more order, more authority and how this outside source could be just the thing we need.  What I love about it is that I'm still the main teacher, I'm still at the co-op, I don't drop him off.  That, in fact, is what he would prefer - to be dropped off, but he will not be getting his way.  As I described this need to my hsuband yesterday, he suddenly got it.  We need to write "The Jonas Manifesto", he said.  We need to invoke "The War Measures Act" on him, he said.  And this will be part of the plan, Lord willing.  January typically represents a new start, a new year, a new everything.  By being involved with this new group, he'll be obligated to not be the same child he was the year before.  He'll have new standards to reach, new goals, new friends, new authorities, new ways of learning, new location (once a week).  It could be just what he needs.  The manifesto isn't in writing yet - but it just may be, we'll see if we actually put it into words.  Not a bad idea.

As I was reading in Scripture yesterday when he was still sleeping, I read about David and how he ate the holy bread when he was running from Saul.  One of Saul's bad guys saw him do this and ran and told Saul.  Saul then called all the priests, 85 of them, and had them killed for doing this.  David found out that Doeg had told on him and said (and I'm paraphrasing here), "I knew it!  When I saw him, I thought he would go and tell Saul.  It's my fault these priests were killed.  It's on me."  Now that might not sound like a passage related to me at all, but I actually felt like it was speaking to me.  David was responsible for the killing of 85 priests.  He made them give him the bread when he really wasn't supposed to eat it.  Here's the thing, he knew something bad might happen yet he continued on doing what he knew would get him in trouble, or the priests, and he kept on doing what was wrong.  Ok - fast forward to me.  I have a situation with my son.  I'm seeing patterns I don't love in his life.  If I keep doing what I'm doing and don't change things, I will ultimately be responsible especially if I knew things needed to change.  Perhaps a bit of a stretch, but it spoke to me.

A few verses later, David is still running from Saul and he gets stuck in a town "with gates and bars".  He inquired of the Lord what he should do because he heard that Saul was coming to get him.  Two times the Lord says, "Yes they're coming and yes they are going to surrender you".  David runs for his life with 600 men and flees and is saved.  Again, I heard God talking to me about my son.  Like David, I found myself thinking about my own situation.  Gates and bars.  I don't want my son to feel like he's stuck in selfish behaviour.  I don't want him to be stuck.  If I keep doing what I'm doing, will things go well?  Do I need to change how things are going?  I felt like it was God saying, "Do something.  Run."

Joining a co-op is the LAST thing I thought I would ever do, but that is sometimes how you know it's a good thing.  He is RESISTANT.  I love that.  It's also how you know it's a good thing, because he DOESN'T want to do it.  But I shared these verses with the kids.  I think I even got them a little excited.  They just need a vision of victory and just because they are the last ones to attend my little homeschool doesn't mean I have to fade out, why not end on a awesome note, on a high note?  No need to fade into oblivion.  I have to keep going!  I can't stop or get tired.  

I tried to avoid talking to the other co-op moms.  I didn't go to their meetings.  I refused to engage.  But one after another, I keep coming into contact with them.  One mom just kept bringing it up, every time I met her.  She started suggesting it and tried to convince me about how much I would love it.  Then another mom did.  Then another mom and another mom.  Then the emails started flowing back and forth.  Then the passages of Scripture, and then finally my husband declared the "Manifesto" and the "WMA" - it almost seemed done and I hadn't even signed any papers or paid any tuition.  I prayed with the kids about it.  Now I'm just waiting for the leader of our family to figure out a way to pay, lol, and then we'll start in January.  

It all goes back to Jonas.  I am so glad God gave him to me.  He has humbled me so much.  He has made me rely on God in a way I never did before.  There is a greatness in him and it is my job as his mom to bring it in him, not to squash him.  I am excited because I feel in a way that God has shown me so clearly to not give up, but to press on.  Giving up is not an option.  Boarding school, not an option.  Allowing him to be in charge, not an option.  He wants to be trained, sort of.  He just needs some pressure on him.  I told him it's the way a diamond is made - under pressure.  This co-op brings the best of both - an outside source of authority with me right there.  I'm excited to see the man he will become.

A Good Day

Up ridiculously early today - not on purpose.  After a while, I give up, come downstairs, have my coffee, read the news, workout and today I'll write and read, all well before there is movement upstairs.

Yesterday was a great day.  There are so many ups and downs in life that is nice to write about just the "ups" sometimes.  First of all, I cannot say enough how impressed I am with my nearly 18 year old daughter.  This is such a shout out to the power of God as I honestly wasn't sure how things were going to go with her once she started college - would she do well?  would it be a struggle?  I didn't know.  This girl had some pretty serious health struggles for a loooong time which left her feeling awful and really unable to do school most days.  She would attempt, but always fell behind.  I knew she was a great writer though and very mature her whole life, so I knew once we could get her health back on track, which we did by God's grace, she could pick up the pace and hopefully be ok.

So that's what we did.  She got healthy and went at it at school, graduated last year and now is in her first year of business at Niagara College.  She is excelling and has become a peer tutor for 3 of her classes!  Yesterday she had her first tutoring session.  She was so nervous, so I prayed for her while she was upstairs online with the student.  It went so well!  She met this other student through the college and was able to easily help her with her struggles.  It turns out she is from Mexico and really doesn't understand the retail world up in Canada so the assignments made no sense to her.  After it was finished the girl asked if my daughter was Catholic or a Christian as she follows her on instagram and noticed all the posts she made were related to church or worship nights, etc.  She is Catholic and is looking for a church, so my daughter immediately invited her to our church!  It was such a neat moment!

As soon as she got off the computer she saw a message from my son-in-law-to-be asking the young adults if anyone wanted some extra cash by doing janitorial work for the church - she immediately responded yes and then came downstairs to tell me about it.  My next immediate thought was to see if my 15 year old son could help out with her.  So she asked and hopefully this will work out.  Now, once again, this might not seem like a big deal - BUT IT IS.  My 15 year old has been watching how all his older siblings are making money, even his younger 13 year old sister who now babysits every day, and he is broke.  He would apply for work except covid has knocked all his social confidence out of him and he isn't sure that he would feel comfortable in an environment that is new.  Even so, we are always hesitant with part-time work because of negative influences, etc.  so what else could I do, but pray, and on Friday I prayed and prayed for him.  My daughter has also been praying for work that is "safe" and was given this AMAZING opportunity, literally from heaven, to sanitize an office near us twice a week - so many opportunities literally dropped into my kids' laps.  But the office sanitizing job wasn't enough money for her so to get this other janitorial job might be just the thing.  AND if it works out that my son can go with her, it solves all my concerns about putting him in a safe place, literally a church, with my daughter (kind of fun to work with a sibling), plus I don't have to drive as she now has her license (another miracle), it's only part time so won't impact his or her schooling - I just couldn't believe it.  So I pray this will work out.

And that was all before noon.  Meanwhile, I was supposed to be getting together with a few young moms for the Bible Study I hold with them.  It has been so inconsistent because so many viruses have been going around week after week.  So we had to cancel again yesterday.  I got a text from one of the moms who seemed unusually upset about her day and how she has been struggling with homeschooling and life.  I thought I should probably try to reach out to her to see her in person, but then I thought, no I'll just call her.  I had barely dialed her number when she answered the phone crying.  The poor woman!  I was so glad I called!  It turned out to be one of those pep talks to pick her up that was apparently just what she needed.  I praised God for the timing.

After this I went home to prep for dinner - for the first time in months we were having multiple families over for a Taco Tuesday meal.  I wasn't prepared how great it felt to be with others again.  We've had family over and individuals, but not large groups and it was awesome.  At the end of the night, we all just sat together and talked about how wonderful it was.  That was when my oldest son shared a really neat thing he had read.  He is in the middle of the longest waiting game of his life so far - waiting for rejection from all the medical schools he's applied to.  I wish I could write "acceptance", but he just feels so hopeless at times as the stats are against him.  However, I always encourage him to stay hope-Full.  So this week when he was feeling so down again, I just told him to keep surrendering, to keep praying, to attempt a fast, to trust God, to cry out to Him.....I saw him head down with the "giving up" look and just committed to him to prayer all day yesterday.  God showed up, as He always does, in such a neat way.  Without me knowing. my son did cry out, he did pray, he got into the Word -he'd been reading in Esther - and he came to this passage where Esther didn't know what to do as she and her people were going to be killed.  After fasting, she summoned up her nerve to stand before the king, trusting the he would not kill her because she hadn't been asked to come see him - this was against the law.  At that point the king held out his royal scepter and she was allowed access to his inner court.  My son, too, had fasted that day, and when he read this he felt like it was a direct encouragement to him.  Not unlike Esther, he, too, is outside the inner court of medical schools.  He feels as hopeless as she did that he can do anything to get in.  Yet, he has done all he can do to be faithful to what he's been shown to do and his prayer became yesterday that God would extend the royal scepter to him just as it was to Esther - "And when the king saw Queen Esther standing in the court, she won favor in his sight, and he held out to Esther the golden scepter that was in his hand."  I actually found that so powerful.  I was so encouraged for him as he felt like that was just for him.  How I pray he will be accepted and not rejected.

All of this - in just one day.