Bring Them Here to Me - and the Power of Hospitality

Since we've decided to focus on selling wine and not as much about working on the house, lots has been accomplished.  We really needed that push as much as I don't want to admit that.  We now have a website up and running, that was huge and took a long time as we had to make it so that you could purchase from the site - easier said than done.  We have received a really positive review which was also a big accomplishment as now we have outside sources that say our wine is great.  We are waiting on a review from another big reviewer.  We have been in touch with distributors and even international sellers.  We don't know how far that will go, but it least it keeps our mind in the game.

We still have lots of wine still to sell and it kind of brings me back to last winter when we had this crazy idea that we should sell garden shares when we didn't have a single vegetable in the ground.  As I sat there in my chair each morning feeling the pressure of growing vegetables, I was reminded through Scripture over and over again, it wasn't my garden, it was God's garden.  I wasn't the actual gardener, He was.  I was reminded how we stood at the edge of our garden last Spring after the vegetables were planted and we took off our shoes in front of "holy ground" and we committed our garden to the Lord.  Then, after we had surrendered our garden to Him, the only One actually had the power to grow vegetables, He took my pathetic garden beginnings and multiplied them so amazingly that even today I still marvel that I not only sold all the shares, but had extra vegetables each week for others.  So why do I worry?  I think deep down I think well, I know He cares about vegetables, but wine?  He probably doesn't care about wine.  That is probably where He draws the line.  So, then, in my best human way, I take back my love for worrying (worrying is so comfortable, oddly?) and I realize it's my job to worry.  If I don't worry, who will?

But then, yesterday - church - ugh....however, first a quick back story - 

We used to be the most hospitable people, but when covid hit, we took the time off and actually kind of liked the break.  But something horrible happened.  We became reclusive - well, not me so much, I still enjoy people, but we didn't see people nearly as much as we used to and some of the people in my family liked their new reclusive life.  How awful!  I didn't push too much.  I sure hoped covid would stop so that we could go back to our busy, full life of people coming in and out of the house.  In the "olden days" I would simply tell RM that I had invited people over and he would say, "ok".  Last week I started up the hospitality train again.  I had been talking with a friend and I said to her without even thinking about it, "Want to come over for dinner?"  "The WHOLE FAMILY?"  She couldn't believe it.  A large family rarely gets invited over.  "Sure!"  I said.  "I'll have to check...."  She also likes being reclusive and is happier at home, but I've been on her case.....Finally they agreed and I told RM that they were coming over.  He had half-hoped it wouldn't work out as he is one of the people who loves being on his own.  He is not energized by people the way I am.....except when he is......I know this and so I encouraged him to look forward to it.

They came over on Friday night with their 5 kids and within minutes the husband was asking a million questions about the winery and the process, etc.  Guess who was engaged and enjoying his time?  He loves talking about what he does and appreciates so much when people appreciate all the work that goes into making the wine.  As the evening went on we encouraged them to come to church.  Covid, as well as moving, had stopped their participation in church.  Isn't that what Satan does?  By the end of the evening we had them pretty convinced to give it a try, even the early service.  On Sunday morning, I was sooooo happy to see them there.  My kids were thrilled - friends!  And what a sermon - they needed to be there to hear that.  The power of hospitality was shown again.  Simply by having people over, sharing a meal, talking about things like church....it may have changed a family's life.  I pray that we'll be able to make it a regular thing again....back to the sermon now.

Robbie was there - what a powerful preacher and he spoke about bringing the loaves and fish to Jesus.  "Bring them here to me."  But before he told the disciples to do that, He said, "You feed them."  I think that is my favourite line in the text.  You do it.  It's almost laughable because obviously they can't.  You can't feed 20,000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish.  But of course, with Jesus you can.  Ok, Ok....I'm starting to see the pattern in my life.  I can't homeschool on my own, but with Jesus I can.  I can't grow a garden on my own, but with Jesus I can.  I can't get my husband a contract, but with Jesus I can (I prayed him into many over the years).  So we can't sell the wine on our own, but with Jesus we can.  As Robbie spoke, he made it clear that Jesus set the disciples up in a way.  He made them see they couldn't do it.  He made them realize how hopeless and helpless they were without Him.  "Bring them here to me".  So they brought Him the loaves and fish and He took them and blessed them and multiplied them.  Multiplied them by dividing them.  This is the kind of math I like.  We need to acknowledge that we can't do it.  We must surrender the winery, the wine, the whole process, over to Jesus.  He will take it and He will sell it.  Worrying actually isn't my job, though I do love worrying.  My job is to bring what I want for myself and lay it at Jesus' feet.  It's His job.  Fine, I'll do it again for the second Winter in a row and I'll watch what He is going to do.  This should be good!

A Form of Murder? Yup

I think this Exodus study is going to keep doing surgery in our home.  Yesterday there was an altercation in our home between two siblings.  I don't know why it's so challenging with these two in particular, but they are like fire and gas - when they come in the same room there is often an explosion.  And, the thing is they seem to be unable to stop.  It's not that they enjoy it, but they are incapable of fixing the situation.

No amount of words on my part seem to help either, but then last night, it all came together.  It was like I was given a master plan from the Master himself.  I was told exactly what to say, what to do and how to do it.  As I sat by my son's bed, I asked him, "What commandment do you think you broke today?"  "Do not murder."  "YES!" I basically shouted.  "Murder!"  I then went on to tell him how in the New Testament takes the "do not murder" command and takes it to a higher level - "everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment and whoever says, 'you fool' will be liable to the hell of fire."  I explained this to him and then told him that today he will be reading chapter 22 from Proverbs and he will be searching the Scriptures for help (I'll have both boys do this).  They will write out every verse that applies to their situation and they will post them all over the house.  Then they will pray every verse every single time they want to break that commandment and they will ask, beg, plead for God's help all day.  They will learn new habits by God's grace.  

I think this will be different than how I've handled it in the past.  I think seeing that it is breaking a commandment might make the change more real, more possible.  Then we prayed, my son and I, and we asked for God's help.  I left his room amazed at how once again the ten commandments were bringing life to us, not condemnation.  They were giving me a solution, a plan, on how to handle such specific issues with my children.  

In the Spiritual ICU

This past week as I was in the ICU for a severe case of discontentment, discouragement, doubt, distrust, darkness and despair, God met me through His Word again.  It was exactly what Jen Wilkin, the Bible teacher, had said would happen.  She had warned anyone taking her study that there would be times in the study where you wouldn't be happy.  You would be confronted by what the Bible said and how it brought a tension in your life.  At the time I looked forward to it, not knowing I was in for a week of struggling with God.  I felt like Jacob, wrestling, and getting my whole hip dislocated.  I have definitely been walking around with a limp this week, that's for sure.  But, she had said, the tension would be good.  It would result in growth.  Of course it does!  I just didn't enjoy the process.  

I confessed to the children that their mom was a sinner, God, as her Father, was disciplining her, just as I attempt to discipline them.  It occurred to me, as I was talking to them about how Scripture ultimately brought me to my knees, that there was a passage in Hebrews about cutting through to the joint and marrow - I immediately looked it up, and landed on Hebrews 12 first.  I read the chapter to them.  It started out right away encouraging us to "set aside every weight and sin that clings so closely"....hmmmm...that kind of sounded like me.  My sin was clinging so closely.  And then this, "....run with endurance the race that is set before us....."  Right then and there, in that moment, I thought about homeschooling.  My youngest is 9 and that means I have 9 more years of running the childhood race.  I've been running the race of homeschooling 17 years.....I quickly did math because I'm so good at adding - 17 + 9 = 26.....hold on a minute, that sounds a lot like the same length of a marathon!  How cool is that?!  I'm literally running a marathon homeschooling these kids.  The verse suddenly meant so much more.  And why am I homeschooling them?  Because I long for them to be godly children who I get to influence.  I get to impact their character, mold their personalities, enjoy the ups and downs of every day life.....and it suddenly put everything in perspective - I need to do all of this in the home I've been given, which is a great home, by the way.  I absolutely love my house.  In fact, I had a cute encouragement last week when a little girl came over with her mom and siblings.  She ran around the house saying how much she loved our house and told her mom, "I used to want to move into my friend's house, but now I want to move into this one!"  She didn't see the unpainted walls or the plywood floors.  She saw how there were neat little nooks and crannies and all sorts of great spots to hide.  It helped me to see things through her eyes.  My grumbling spirit clouds my vision all the time.  So, I read that verse out loud and I was reminded ONCE AGAIN (how many times do I have to write on this theme in my life....) to run the race of homeschooling and life, this marathon, with ENDURANCE and remember what my reason is - the cross, the gospel, my children's hearts - in the classroom/house God has given me.  Christ did this "despising the shame".  I admit it, sometimes I'm ashamed of how rundown parts of our house are (I'm so shallow), but this phrase was so helpful to really not care and keep the eternal perspective.

Verse 3 was another reminder "to not grow weary or fainthearted" and to be grateful for the discipline of the Lord - I mean, really, what am I teaching my kids when I'm an annoying grumbling mom? "He discipline us for our good".  I hated/loved it.  And then, the verse of the week (or "weak")...."Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees and make straight paths for your feet, so that was is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."  I was still reading this to my kids in awe of how Scripture was saying exactly what I needed to hear.  My hands and knees were definitely needing to be strengthened and lifted.  Then I turned back and found the passage where it described how only Scripture which is "living and active and sharper than a two-edged sword" is "able to cut through to joint and marrow"...That's exactly what happened.  I had needed heart surgery, which is why I ended up in the ICU.  I am still weak and I will probably be recovering for a long time, but I figure with some spiritual physio I should be on the mend soon and hopefully I will not need to be readmitted.  Thankfully the Surgeon was kind to me and didn't leave me in my terrible state though He could have easily.  The Bible study ended off with a question, "What trait of God have you noticed after doing this study this week?"  I had many, but the main was Merciful or Patient.  He could and really should strike me down, but in His mercy and patience, He gently teaches me and puts me back on the path which I embarrassingly fall off so often.  That leaves me grateful and just like that the cloud is lifted.

unning the race that is set before 

The Beauty of Brotherhood and The Disease of Discontentment

I have finally been able to clear my schedule and get involved in a women's study at the church.  I always felt I couldn't because it was in the morning, but sadly, now with covid, the online zoom study actually works for me.  We prayed last week for my son - I expressed how he was struggling without going into all the details.  This past week I saw the struggle continue as I wrote about a few days ago, but then God really stepped in in such an amazing way I couldn't have seen coming.

My older sons both have memberships at a gym.  They go almost daily either together or separately.  This last week one of them offered to take the son who is having a hard time.  He was thrilled.  Off they went.  He helped him get a membership and everything.  They worked out, came back and voila - new son.  This is where the miracle is - I didn't ask my older son to do this.  I didn't give him a hint or hand him any cash.  I didn't beg him to take him to the gym.  He's seen my son struggle and has prayed for him, but that's where it stopped.  I can only think God put this in his heart and mind.  This has made my younger son feel like a million bucks.  As he works out alongside his cool older brother, he feels important, loved, treasured and that replaces all the feelings of loneliness, sadness and anger.  The happy endorphins are flowing through him instead of moody teen ones.  Last night as he came home from the gym, he hung out with his younger brother who normally drives him crazy.  It was a peaceful night with laughs and a relaxing nature movie instead of negotiating disputes between him and other siblings.  I'm praising God for how He provided a community for this child within our own home.

Back to the study - Jen Wilkin, the Bible study author, said in the opening video, that there would be times we wouldn't enjoy the study as she purposely writes it to create tension.  It doesn't always resolve itself nicely at the end of every week.  She was right.  As we studied the ten commandments, she set up a chart to help the student see how each command reveals a trait of God, what He values and what He hates.  When I got to the one on coveting I wrote that the trait it reveals is that He is the Provider.  He values contentment and hates discontentment.  That stung.  The day before we had heard from our friends who had come to see our place to discuss the initial plans for renovations.  In short, it doesn't look like it is going to work out.  I was obviously disappointed - things could change, of course, but initially I was quite upset.  Do not covet.  I'm not!  I argue with myself.  I just want a roof that doesn't leak.  That isn't coveting, I say.  It would be nice to have a sink or a floor without holes.  How can that be coveting.  It isn't.  Or is it?  How many times do I have to write about discontentment before I realize the same issue is in my stubborn heart?  This is the exact tension Jen writes about, I think.  I'm stuck between recognizing God is my Provider, but deep down He just doesn't provide quite enough.  O Wretched Woman am I?!  But, the Law provides an antidote - He hates discontentment.  He loves contentment.  He is the Provider.  Just do what the Law says!  Seems easy!  And if I follow the commands that say there are no other gods and to not have any idols before Him, then therein lies the solution as well.  I have "tried" this before, but I think it's been more of a willing myself to get a new habit and break an old one.  It really isn't sustainable.  It has to be a true heart change - a conversion in a way.  I feel like the study of the ten commandments broke me this week.  Maybe once and for all I'll have more success this time around as I continue to battle this demon of discontentment.

I tried to explain my husband that I've been at war 2 hours before he even gets up.  I sometimes am discontent all by myself from the second I wake up.  I come down to put in the laundry and I see a broken tile.  I file that.  Then I go to the drawer without handles to get a coffee and wish they had handles.  I file that.  Then I go and sit on the couch and turn on the lights, but they aren't bright enough because we don't have great lighting.  I file that.  I work out on the floor because we don't have a gym space.....oh my goodness - this goes on and on for the two hours in the morning.  By the time he wakes up, I have a list so long in my head and he has no idea.  Am I ever grateful once again for God's Word to reveal all the sin...well, actually I hate it - this is the tension she talks about? - I kind of like my pity party, but I hate what it does to my husband.  So God's Word cuts out the sin, leaves me hurting, but in a good way.  I repent, truly asking for a new heart.  Please!  And then I seek the contentment He loves and look to Him as the Provider.  He's enough.  We tear down our houses without our own hands, foolish women, that is.  That sounds like a renovation verse!  I want to tear my house down!  But, no, it's speaking of our emotional and spiritual houses and physical houses of people.  I don't want to do that.  If I put even my dreams (how can that be an idol? but it is) ahead of God then I'm sinning.  Ok, I will say what the Israelites say, "All that the Lord has spoken we will do".  That didn't mean they weren't going to fall - none of us are perfect, but by saying we "will", I think that means are wills are willing.  That is what I am trying to say, too.  I "will" not put idols before God.  I know I will still fail, but now that I think I finally am understanding what the command truly means, I think I will have more success at breaking this idol down.  I will slowly uncurl my white knuckled grip around my sick house and just accept it for what it is.  It's not like God doesn't know my situation.  Discontentment is a disease.  I have the cure.  I just need to take the medicine and be done with it.

The Power of Prayer in our Family

I am learning so much about parenting these days.  I wish we could just relax, sit back and enjoy the ride.  Why do we always have to be on alert?!  My older children were very different from my younger children.  I wish I could explain why, but they just are.  It's not that we didn't have issues with the older kids, but they seem so mild compared to the last four.  I think the main thing I'm learning with these younger kids is to stay calm, not get offended easily, not to take their behaviour personally and to just stay chill and pray.

This co-op is really stretching them.  They have a lot of assignments to do and I want to get them done.  On the last day of the week, my son was told to work on it and he refused.  He saw no point and said as much.  In the past I would have engaged.  I would have brought out my angry, threatening mom voice, but when I see this kind of attitude now, I am starting to instantly recognize it as the enemy.  Not that my son isn't responsible for his behaviour - he is - but I'm starting to see how Satan uses my own son against me.  To give in and start engaging will only escalate the situation.  So I did an experiment.  I calmly stated what had to be done and by when.  I offered my help one more time, which he declined, and then I left him alone and prayed my heart out.  I prayed against the enemy.  I don't know what else I prayed, but I prayed.

A little while later as the time was coming close, I reminded him about the deadline and he quickly shot back, "I'm working on it!"  I was shocked.  He even asked me to read it, to listen to him and asked for my input.  It was really good!  The dark cloud that had been over him, was gone.  I'm so convinced it would have been the wrong thing to try and talk him into compliance.  

Another thing I'm amazed at as far as the power of prayer goes is how I just need to continue to sit back and wait as far as my husband goes.  There was a men's conference this past weekend.  I really wanted him to go.  I wanted my son to go.  You can't force this in our family.  So I did what I always do - reminded him of it and gently nudged him that it would be a good idea for our family and then I walked away and prayed.  I couldn't believe it when a few hours later he was signed up with our son.  It was such a great weekend for RM.  My son said he was glad he went except for the fact he couldn't sleep in.  

Sunday we also got up early for church.  That was two days in a row that he couldn't sleep in.  Teens like their sleep.  The dark cloud was back.  He was UNHAPPY and the whole world knew it.  I had everyone praying.  I was ready to call in a professional and wanted him to move out, but it was so obvious that it wasn't him - though again, I hold him responsible - but the enemy.  We talked with him, went to church, came back, more darkness and then left him alone.  A little while later my husband and I talked and agreed to stay calm with him, pray for him, love him and give him opportunities for more sleep.  We also agreed to not let things escalate, to never let things get out of hand, to accept the fact as a teenage boy there is so much going on just hormonally that we don't understand and to recognize and to keep praying when we see the dark cloud.  It was only a little while later, almost inexplicably, the cloud was gone.  And it remained gone for the rest of the day.  He became this pleasant person, happy, funny.....how can this be?  Except God -answers to our prayers.  I almost feel like to some extent it is out of his control.  He doesn't like being a moody teen.  He doesn't want to be angry.  That's where I think think the enemy has a hayday with him.

And, as always, my weakness has been fear in the past.  I'm not giving in to it anymore.  Instead of projecting into the future all my fears about him, I just thank God that He has my son in His hands and I don't have to fear.  Knowing this has changed everything.  I don't like learning parenting lessons.  I wish it could just be an easy life, but that's just not how it is.

Rise, Let Us Be Going

Sad news this week for our son - he wasn't offered any interviews.  We had been so hopeful, but the reality is only 6% of the applicants, at least at one school, were offered interviews, so it was always a low chance I guess.  The Sunday before he heard the news we went to church and the pastor gave a sermon on how Jesus went through the Garden of Gethsemane and how his experience models how we, too, can go through our dark time.  This was before we had the final reality of no interviews. We had really hoped we wouldn't need his sermon, but it turns out, we did.

Jesus asked to have the cup removed - is there any other way?!  I wrote my son's name in my notes, begging God, don't make him go through this, is there any other way?  But, God the Father said "No" to Jesus and he said no to my son.  After pleading with God and seeing that there was no other way he went up to the disciples and said the most amazing line, "Rise, let us be going...."  It was very much a "well, I guess we need to face the music and go straight towards the danger" kind of attitude.  That's kind of what happened over here.  There was the extreme disappointment, the sadness, the confusion, dread, etc...so many emotions, but the next day, he kind of got on his "Rise, let us be going" attitude and we started to plan and discuss future thoughts.  It looks like he's going to attempt one more time.  He's learned how to study for the MCAT.  He knows how to improve his resume.  He's going to keep working and make money.  He's so determined.  He might consider more schooling.  All I know is that he was back at it and really didn't let it spiral him into depression which it could have, so I'm grateful for Scripture and grateful that he heard that sermon.  There must be a reason we'll see one day.  Who do we think we are to have an easy life?

School is going really well.  The kids are pumping out some serious stuff and they're learning a lot.  They are singing the very songs they found annoying at first - including my 15 year old!  He dared to admit to me yesterday that he likes this program.  I think because of all his math and Chemistry his brain can take apart equations really quickly now, so when he sees a sentence and has to diagram it, he knows immediately what to do.  He must see it as an equation.  He knows what phrases are independent, subordinate, compound, complex.....yikes.  The younger ones are surprising me, so it's been a good experience so far.  We have hope that they'll actually stick it out and learn something!