The Beauty of Brotherhood and The Disease of Discontentment

I have finally been able to clear my schedule and get involved in a women's study at the church.  I always felt I couldn't because it was in the morning, but sadly, now with covid, the online zoom study actually works for me.  We prayed last week for my son - I expressed how he was struggling without going into all the details.  This past week I saw the struggle continue as I wrote about a few days ago, but then God really stepped in in such an amazing way I couldn't have seen coming.

My older sons both have memberships at a gym.  They go almost daily either together or separately.  This last week one of them offered to take the son who is having a hard time.  He was thrilled.  Off they went.  He helped him get a membership and everything.  They worked out, came back and voila - new son.  This is where the miracle is - I didn't ask my older son to do this.  I didn't give him a hint or hand him any cash.  I didn't beg him to take him to the gym.  He's seen my son struggle and has prayed for him, but that's where it stopped.  I can only think God put this in his heart and mind.  This has made my younger son feel like a million bucks.  As he works out alongside his cool older brother, he feels important, loved, treasured and that replaces all the feelings of loneliness, sadness and anger.  The happy endorphins are flowing through him instead of moody teen ones.  Last night as he came home from the gym, he hung out with his younger brother who normally drives him crazy.  It was a peaceful night with laughs and a relaxing nature movie instead of negotiating disputes between him and other siblings.  I'm praising God for how He provided a community for this child within our own home.

Back to the study - Jen Wilkin, the Bible study author, said in the opening video, that there would be times we wouldn't enjoy the study as she purposely writes it to create tension.  It doesn't always resolve itself nicely at the end of every week.  She was right.  As we studied the ten commandments, she set up a chart to help the student see how each command reveals a trait of God, what He values and what He hates.  When I got to the one on coveting I wrote that the trait it reveals is that He is the Provider.  He values contentment and hates discontentment.  That stung.  The day before we had heard from our friends who had come to see our place to discuss the initial plans for renovations.  In short, it doesn't look like it is going to work out.  I was obviously disappointed - things could change, of course, but initially I was quite upset.  Do not covet.  I'm not!  I argue with myself.  I just want a roof that doesn't leak.  That isn't coveting, I say.  It would be nice to have a sink or a floor without holes.  How can that be coveting.  It isn't.  Or is it?  How many times do I have to write about discontentment before I realize the same issue is in my stubborn heart?  This is the exact tension Jen writes about, I think.  I'm stuck between recognizing God is my Provider, but deep down He just doesn't provide quite enough.  O Wretched Woman am I?!  But, the Law provides an antidote - He hates discontentment.  He loves contentment.  He is the Provider.  Just do what the Law says!  Seems easy!  And if I follow the commands that say there are no other gods and to not have any idols before Him, then therein lies the solution as well.  I have "tried" this before, but I think it's been more of a willing myself to get a new habit and break an old one.  It really isn't sustainable.  It has to be a true heart change - a conversion in a way.  I feel like the study of the ten commandments broke me this week.  Maybe once and for all I'll have more success this time around as I continue to battle this demon of discontentment.

I tried to explain my husband that I've been at war 2 hours before he even gets up.  I sometimes am discontent all by myself from the second I wake up.  I come down to put in the laundry and I see a broken tile.  I file that.  Then I go to the drawer without handles to get a coffee and wish they had handles.  I file that.  Then I go and sit on the couch and turn on the lights, but they aren't bright enough because we don't have great lighting.  I file that.  I work out on the floor because we don't have a gym space.....oh my goodness - this goes on and on for the two hours in the morning.  By the time he wakes up, I have a list so long in my head and he has no idea.  Am I ever grateful once again for God's Word to reveal all the sin...well, actually I hate it - this is the tension she talks about? - I kind of like my pity party, but I hate what it does to my husband.  So God's Word cuts out the sin, leaves me hurting, but in a good way.  I repent, truly asking for a new heart.  Please!  And then I seek the contentment He loves and look to Him as the Provider.  He's enough.  We tear down our houses without our own hands, foolish women, that is.  That sounds like a renovation verse!  I want to tear my house down!  But, no, it's speaking of our emotional and spiritual houses and physical houses of people.  I don't want to do that.  If I put even my dreams (how can that be an idol? but it is) ahead of God then I'm sinning.  Ok, I will say what the Israelites say, "All that the Lord has spoken we will do".  That didn't mean they weren't going to fall - none of us are perfect, but by saying we "will", I think that means are wills are willing.  That is what I am trying to say, too.  I "will" not put idols before God.  I know I will still fail, but now that I think I finally am understanding what the command truly means, I think I will have more success at breaking this idol down.  I will slowly uncurl my white knuckled grip around my sick house and just accept it for what it is.  It's not like God doesn't know my situation.  Discontentment is a disease.  I have the cure.  I just need to take the medicine and be done with it.