In the Spiritual ICU

This past week as I was in the ICU for a severe case of discontentment, discouragement, doubt, distrust, darkness and despair, God met me through His Word again.  It was exactly what Jen Wilkin, the Bible teacher, had said would happen.  She had warned anyone taking her study that there would be times in the study where you wouldn't be happy.  You would be confronted by what the Bible said and how it brought a tension in your life.  At the time I looked forward to it, not knowing I was in for a week of struggling with God.  I felt like Jacob, wrestling, and getting my whole hip dislocated.  I have definitely been walking around with a limp this week, that's for sure.  But, she had said, the tension would be good.  It would result in growth.  Of course it does!  I just didn't enjoy the process.  

I confessed to the children that their mom was a sinner, God, as her Father, was disciplining her, just as I attempt to discipline them.  It occurred to me, as I was talking to them about how Scripture ultimately brought me to my knees, that there was a passage in Hebrews about cutting through to the joint and marrow - I immediately looked it up, and landed on Hebrews 12 first.  I read the chapter to them.  It started out right away encouraging us to "set aside every weight and sin that clings so closely"....hmmmm...that kind of sounded like me.  My sin was clinging so closely.  And then this, "....run with endurance the race that is set before us....."  Right then and there, in that moment, I thought about homeschooling.  My youngest is 9 and that means I have 9 more years of running the childhood race.  I've been running the race of homeschooling 17 years.....I quickly did math because I'm so good at adding - 17 + 9 = 26.....hold on a minute, that sounds a lot like the same length of a marathon!  How cool is that?!  I'm literally running a marathon homeschooling these kids.  The verse suddenly meant so much more.  And why am I homeschooling them?  Because I long for them to be godly children who I get to influence.  I get to impact their character, mold their personalities, enjoy the ups and downs of every day life.....and it suddenly put everything in perspective - I need to do all of this in the home I've been given, which is a great home, by the way.  I absolutely love my house.  In fact, I had a cute encouragement last week when a little girl came over with her mom and siblings.  She ran around the house saying how much she loved our house and told her mom, "I used to want to move into my friend's house, but now I want to move into this one!"  She didn't see the unpainted walls or the plywood floors.  She saw how there were neat little nooks and crannies and all sorts of great spots to hide.  It helped me to see things through her eyes.  My grumbling spirit clouds my vision all the time.  So, I read that verse out loud and I was reminded ONCE AGAIN (how many times do I have to write on this theme in my life....) to run the race of homeschooling and life, this marathon, with ENDURANCE and remember what my reason is - the cross, the gospel, my children's hearts - in the classroom/house God has given me.  Christ did this "despising the shame".  I admit it, sometimes I'm ashamed of how rundown parts of our house are (I'm so shallow), but this phrase was so helpful to really not care and keep the eternal perspective.

Verse 3 was another reminder "to not grow weary or fainthearted" and to be grateful for the discipline of the Lord - I mean, really, what am I teaching my kids when I'm an annoying grumbling mom? "He discipline us for our good".  I hated/loved it.  And then, the verse of the week (or "weak")...."Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees and make straight paths for your feet, so that was is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."  I was still reading this to my kids in awe of how Scripture was saying exactly what I needed to hear.  My hands and knees were definitely needing to be strengthened and lifted.  Then I turned back and found the passage where it described how only Scripture which is "living and active and sharper than a two-edged sword" is "able to cut through to joint and marrow"...That's exactly what happened.  I had needed heart surgery, which is why I ended up in the ICU.  I am still weak and I will probably be recovering for a long time, but I figure with some spiritual physio I should be on the mend soon and hopefully I will not need to be readmitted.  Thankfully the Surgeon was kind to me and didn't leave me in my terrible state though He could have easily.  The Bible study ended off with a question, "What trait of God have you noticed after doing this study this week?"  I had many, but the main was Merciful or Patient.  He could and really should strike me down, but in His mercy and patience, He gently teaches me and puts me back on the path which I embarrassingly fall off so often.  That leaves me grateful and just like that the cloud is lifted.

unning the race that is set before