Too Lazy to Trust?

As I was putting the two year old to bed the other night, he quickly reminded me he wanted to sleep with his "Mighty Machines", i.e., his favourite two tractors.  He and the four year old had been fighting over them all day.  They now share a bedroom and the four year old was already lying in bed listening to the request for the tractors.  "Do you know where they are J?" I asked him.  "No.  I do not know where they are.  Do not look in the sleeve of my fleece."  You guessed it.  I found them and J was reminded lying is not a good idea.

My other favourite quote from him this week was, "Did you know there is a skeleton inside me...and it still talks?"

Lots of things have gone on in my head this week.  I've struggled with lack of sleep as I get overwhelmed with the thought of potentially getting a child into university.  Then I get overwhelmed by my husband's work.  I'm not doing it, but I know what he has to do and I don't know how he'll get it all done.  Then of course, it's the usual stuff...bills, house needs.....Thank goodness for my little Ann Voskamp calender, and of course, the Word.  She reminded me once again that the opposite of faith isn't necessarily doubt, it's fear.  We don't doubt God is there.  We doubt that He is a good God.  When we choose to doubt He is a good God, then we start to get lazy she said, and undisciplined.  We are too lazy to trust.  It takes too much effort!  Too much faith!  I hadn't really seen it that way before.  So, this week I tried to catch myself before I got too overwhelmed.  I would literally say the words to myself, "I'm choosing to trust."

Seeing October come up soon on the calender started to bring up old triggers of discouragement, too.  I've written before, I really thought we would have been a lot farther ahead in one year, but then I read, in my daughter's reader of all places, that Noah and his family were on the ark for over a year. That must have seemed like a long time.  There they were being protected by God, but they must have been anxious to get off that ark.  In many ways, I'm sure God is keeping us in this place for a whole number of reasons that we don't even know yet, but I'm still anxious to get out of debt, sooner than later.  Knowing Noah and his family were on the ark for over a year gave me some comfort that God is at work just as He was drying the land for Noah, preparing the earth by sending wind to recede the waters...He's doing all sorts of things behind the scenes I don't even know.

But, I daily need to see Him somehow.  I sometimes just ask for Him to show Himself to me in a tangible way, to daily remind me, especially on those days of discouragement, that He is at work.  Two days ago was when I had had a rougher night of no sleep, then a series of things discouraged Renaissance Man with his work, we were both feeling the "why do we bother" feeling.  That's when I realized I wasn't trusting again and I called out to God to show Himself.  It started simply with just enjoying the incredibly warm weather we've had this week which has allowed me to dry my clothes on my newest clothes line - the chicken coop fence!  RM will put up a real clothes line someday, but for now it's working!  It made me so happy to put my clothes on this fence and then hear all the animal sounds all around me.  Pigs grunting in the background, chickens clucking all around my feet, horses eating in the barn....it was a wonderful pick-me-up, just doing laundry.  Then, I hadn't communicated my discouragement to RM, but he came in later on in the day and said, "I've had at least 3 emails today that were all good news."  Who knows how many emails he gets a day, but they are rarely all positive!  He then told me what each one said, all relating to work, and all positive - no one yelling at him, no one asking for money, all pleased with what was going on....it was just what I needed to hear.  He hadn't known I was down, but God had and I had specifically asked for a tangible sign to show Himself to me that day, to be reminded that He cares.  That was all I needed.  A small thing, but just enough.  Those little email messages felt like messages from God. 

Meanwhile, my struggles are instantly put into perspective as I read the horrible things going on overseas.  The images are horrific.  I realize how small-minded and self-focused I can be.  Then, I spent time with my husband's cousin who is so sick with a brain tumour.  She has an incredibly positive attitude and is inspiring to so many.  Being with her was also very helpful, to be reminded of what is truly important.

I'm also encouraged by my own daughter.  After attending the Worldview Camp this past summer, she's been wanting to get a group of like-minded girls her age together to study God's Word, to pray for one another and also to worship and sing together.  She loves to do that whenever she gets a bunch of girls in the same place.  They all run to the piano and start singing.  It's beautiful.  I encouraged her to pursue it, and as of tonight, a whole group of young ladies will be meeting here to worship, pray and study together.  It's exciting to see what God is going to do with each one of these women! 

I have no reason to stay discouraged.  Lord willing, we'll get off the ark soon!