I'm a Big Girl Now

Deuteronomy 7:17 says it all, "If you say in your heart, 'These nations are greater than I.  How can I dispossess them'".......That's what I do all day, if I don't catch myself.  I don't even know I'm doing it, but then, I say "in my heart" or even out loud to myself at other times, "I can't do this!  This is too hard!"  which is really no different than "these nations are greater than I....how will I dispossess them"!  I love that verses like this are included in the Bible.  God is acknowledging the fact that the Israelites have been given a job that is really too big for them, knocking out 7 other nations, "mightier and more numerous" than them.  He also acknowledges the fact that they are more than likely going to be afraid knowing the facts about what they have to do.   He also recognizes that they might not say they are afraid out loud, but in their hearts, which means they'll have thoughts and fears swirling in their heads.  Hmmmm...sounds familiar.  And, finally, He acknowledges that they are going to have questions, lots of questions about how in the world they are even supposed to do it.  How are they supposed to take this on?  How are they supposed to get the job done?  It all just makes no sense and they have no idea what to do, besides the fact they are totally freaking out.

This whole garden thing is not unlike taking out 7 nations, I swear.  But, I'm already seeing why I have to do it.  My kids are watching me.  They are watching RM and they are half-laughing and half-shaking their heads, but they are also catching some really cool lessons and, because of who I am, I can't shut up about what I want them to learn because all day long I tell them.  Yesterday, as I read these verses to them, I told them about how I was struggling with the garden, the planning, the ordering, the organization of it all (and on and on the list goes) and I asked them, "Isn't it just like taking on the seven subjects of school?  or the 7 lessons in math that are too hard?"  Instead of the Amorites, the Hittites, the Gergashites...I replaced it with the Fractionites, the Decimalites, the Muliplicationites (so clever, I thought)...I showed them that just how I am taking on the 7 nations, they can, too.  Scripture is sure coming alive right now.

The truth is, I'm actually doing much  better since I got out of the River of Misery.  RM continues to push me out of my comfort zone, however, and is taking advantage of this new version of me.  Every time he sees fear creeping in to my head, he reminds me of the fact I'm a new person, darn it.  Normally we would order seeds together, plant together, shop together.  Nope.  He's in the vines now.  He's in the "cellar".  So he'll say, "Here's the spreadsheet for what we need to order....can you do this?"  I HATE doing that kind of thing.  I DESPISE IT.  So, the annoying new version of me says, "Ok".  So, there I sat for hours scrolling through what seemed like hundreds of pages of seed choices.  Who knew there were 1000 different types of lettuce?  1000 different types of EVERYTHING.  Talk about time consuming.  The reason I hate it is because it reveals my weaknesses which happens to be, wait for it - decision making.  And not just decision making, but quick decision making.  That just does not go with choosing seeds in a timely fashion.  So I started the task and unbelievably finished the task.  I do not know why there weren't fireworks after I was done.  That was a HUGE accomplishment for me.  I also ran out and picked up other seeds that we needed right away at the local store and, again, unbelievably, made somewhat quick decisions ALL BY MYSELF (yes, that sounds like I'm 3, but I just really struggle in that area!).  Then, like a big girl, who pulls up her big girl pants, I planted the seeds, all by myself and for the first time in forever, I can say I started transplants ON TIME.  Again, no fireworks....why, I ask?!  These are HUGE DEALS!!!  The funniest part and the worst part all at the same time is the room we were building for my son, who never even knew we were going to give it to him, has temporarily turned into a seedling room!  Oops!  Sorry about that!  But this is the miracle in the whole process....as we were building it, we suddenly started to notice how perfect it would be to grow the seeds.  It was like my eyes opened.  It was out of the way, not in the kitchen, not in a walkway, near water, in a warm place, lots of light and windows....I couldn't believe it.  It was also the perfect size for two big tables so I could put literally hundreds of plants in there.  My son will still get it, just not yet.  I'm in awe that I have a seedling room, in this house, only God could do that.  And I feel like it is just another confirmation that He is with me in this.

Deuteronomy 7 says many more things, but I'll just share one more verse that blew me out of the water.  As I read this a day or two ago, I couldn't believe it.  It says, "And because you listen to these rules and keep and do them, the Lord your God will keep with you the covenant and the steadfast love that he swore to your fathers. 13 He will love you, bless you, and multiply you. He will also bless the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground, your grain and your wine and your oil, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock, in the land that he swore to your fathers to give you."  There it is in black and white....He loves me and promises to bless me and not just any kind of blessing, but the fruit of "your ground, your grain and your wine" - uh, we just happen to be growing all of those things.  Well, hay, maybe not grain, but pretty close.  It was a phrase that just encouraged me so much.  I just happen to be struggling with all that we are taking on and these verses "just happen" to be where I'm reading right now.  Again, only God could plan that.

Well, off I go now.  I'm getting a minor surgical procedure done today - a weird cyst thing on my back - short and sweet.  I'm not worried as I've had so many encouragements this week...thanking God for His Word yet again.

The River of Misery and the Next Version of Me 51.0

If my husband has a pet peeve about me it's that he'll tell me something, suggest something or remind me of something I should think about or do and I listen to him, but don't always act on it until I hear it from someone else or from a book or some other source.  He can't really be mad at me, I swear I have a Biblical reason!  Whenever a big thing is about to happen in my life or when God is trying to talk to me He regularly and consistently uses three different ways to get through to me.  He ALWAYS uses my husband first.  Next, it is Scripture and then lastly it is either a friend or a book or a speaker I listen to.  When it finally gets to the last person or means, suddenly my eyes are opened and I usually come running back to him with my new revelation and he sits there rolling his eyes, saying, "I KNOW!  Remember, I told you this first!"  I'm no different than little Samuel in the Bible.  God had to speak to him three times in order for him to know it was God and that's what happens to me.  I actually really love it because I feel like it really is God trying to speak to me very clearly when this happens.

This happened to me on Saturday morning.  For weeks and weeks my husband has been trying to get me to listen to some podcasts by one of the farmers he follows on instagram.  I have no time for this kind of thing, so I just haven't, but recently, in our new fitness regime, I'm on the stationary bike a lot and I hate it, so I like to fill my time by listening to something.  I told him to suggest something and he got me to listen to this woman, Charlotte Smith - it may sound funny, but she's a coach for farmers who long to be profitable in their farm business.  I put the podcast on and within seconds, I couldn't believe all the things she was saying.  It was as if she was speaking to me directly.  Her whole message was how you cannot expect growth AND ease in farming.  They just don't go together.  Whenever a farm wants to move to the next stage and become more profitable, it won't come without some pain.  She started to talk about people like me.  People like me make the decision to do something, like selling CSA harvest boxes, and then they freak out.  She calls this jumping in to the "River of Misery".  That is exactly what happened to me.  A few weeks ago, I had read a few pages in a book about the kind of garden I longed to have and how to do it and I got really excited!  I started talking to my husband about it and how I thought maybe this was something we could do and then within seconds, I freaked out, just like she said.  I started literally listing all my fears, doubts and insecurities.  I listed all the reasons why I couldn't do it.  I talked myself right out of doing it.  Charlotte Smith stopped me dead in my tracks and said, "When you find yourself in the River of Misery, it's ok!  It's completely normal!  Don't be surprised by this!  It means you are growing and the pain you are experiencing is good!"  

The point of her podcast was to recognize that in order to achieve big goals like the ones we are setting is to stop thinking these goals can be achieved with ease.  Like I said, growth and ease do not go together.  Everyone knows this, but most people don't like discomfort and when it goes on too long, they give up.  Once I recognized I was in the River, I started to really ask myself what I was truly afraid of.  It came down to this - I was going to have to learn new things and I didn't want to.  I was going to have to learn how to do so many things from marketing, to social media, to real gardening....so many things I'm not comfortable with.  She started talking to me again and called me out on that in a pretend conversation. She said, "Yes, that's it.  You need to grow into the next version of you."  But I don't want to do that!  She then said, "Why?  Why won't you change?  Why aren't you willing to learn those new things?"  "Because it's hard!"  I said.  Then she said, "But what are your goals?  What is your purpose?  Why do you want to have a big garden and sell CSA boxes anyway".  Right away I had so many answers.  I want to contribute to the family economy.  I want to keep my children occupied in a productive way and give all of us purpose for living.  I want to be involved in our community and meet people and ultimately bring people to the Lord through my garden.  I want to bless others with food by giving it away.   I want to be a good steward with the land God has so clearly given us.  It would be a waste to not grow vegetables!  My list of whys went on and on.  Then she asked me, "Then what is the cost if you don't do it?"   That was the kicker.  If I don't do it, my kids will play on the computer all day.  They'll waste away.  I'll waste away.  There are many other costs, but those were the big ones.  Then she said, "Well then, you are just going to have to learn new things, aren't you?  You are going to have to grow into that new version of you and this is the thing - you can do that!"  It was really that simple.  My eyes were suddenly opened.

I started to think of it like "Me 1.0" .  I like that version of me.  When I look back over the years, I started off as the 1.0 version of me.  Not unlike a cell phone, I've been upgraded multiple times.  Every time I learn a new skill, I move up to a 2.0 or 3.0.  By travelling overseas to teach, to having a large family, to building a house, buying a farm, by now I'm probably at the highest version of me yet.  The 51.0, I guess.  But, I've had enough learning.  I don't want to improve or learn anymore.  Enough is enough.  Can't I just relax?  Can't I just stay the same for once?  For heaven's sake, I can pickles and beets!  I feel like that is enough growing for one person.  I do not need to or want to improve and learn new skills anymore.  She said, "That's fine.  You don't have to.  You can stay the same and be like all the other people who don't grow....but the farms and the farmers who choose to grow and choose to move past the River of Misery, those are the ones who are profitable and who achieve their goals."  Darn it.

So, I was sitting on my dumb stationary bike and I was literally growling.  I was so mad.  I peddled faster and angrier than ever.  I knew something awful was going on inside of me.  I was waging war with myself, in my own mind.  Who would win, old me or the new me that wanted to come out?  I stumbled upstairs finally and looked at my husband and told him how much I couldn't stand the podcast.  He was shocked.  I explained how she wouldn't leave me alone and kept calling me out on my bad attitude.  "I don't want to change!"  I yelled.  "I don't want to grow!"  But then finally, I admitted defeat, "Ok!  I give up!  I'll do it!"  And just like that, I jumped out of the River of Misery.  I had made it through!  Suddenly, it was like the scales fell off my eyes.  What was so hard about learning a few new skills?  I could do that!  I wasn't going to be doing it all alone.  RM had already reminded me he would be coming alongside me.  My kids would be helping me, too.  And, so all my fears started to vanish again and I felt excited.  Maybe I could really be a profitable farm!  

This is how I really knew I was out of the River.  We had talked about selling maybe 10 boxes this year, just in case the garden wasn't successful.  We had also talked about maybe not even selling any and just making them available at the side of the road or online if the vegetables grew well.  After that awful podcast, we decided, enough is enough, we're doing this.  We are selling 25 for sure and we are going to 100% sell 25 more at the side of the road.  We ran out, got the seeds yesterday, all the mini pots for transplanting, and started the whole process.  We now have a seedling room temporarily set up on in the mudroom and we are doing this.  A flyer will be put together and I will go door to door handing that out.  My husband shakes his head.  He can't understand what has happened to me.  He thinks it's just because of Charlotte Smith as he had been telling me all the things she said before she said them to me.  No.  He had told me all those things, to not be afraid, to set goals, to learn new things.  Then I had read over and over in Scripture recently about not being afraid to "possess the land", but she was the final blow.  She was the 3rd thing God used to get through to me.  RM is getting used to this and is patient with me as I learn these new things.

So I can't believe it.  I'm going to grow again.  I'm going to learn new skills that I've been dreading and I am going to make us a profitable farm this summer.  My goals are ridiculously high and I'm super excited about it.  It's official.  The next version of me is coming soon......

20, 40, 60.....

I read such a great verse yesterday in Deuteronomy 6.  It starts off with such a simple phrase, "When your son asks you in time......"  Our children want to know what the Bible means.  They want to know what "testimonies and the statutes and the rules" are that "the Lord has commanded you".  They will also want to know all of our stories and how the Bible even applies to us and to them.  Verse 21 goes on and says, "then you shall say to your son, 'We were Pharoah's slaves in Egypt.  And the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand.  And the Lord showed signs and wonders, great and grievous, against Egypt and against Pharoah and all his household, before our eyes.'"  Yesterday, as I read this, I realized the younger four know some of the stories, but not all of them, so I took some time to recall a few of the stories and the reason I told them wasn't because they asked, but because one day their children may ask them and I wanted them to know what to say!  "Then you shall say to your son...."  That phrase implies, "You better tell them!"  Tell them what?!  Like I said, all the stories, all the miracles, how we were rescued from slavery.....

So many years ago when the older 3 were little and the 4th child was on the way, we had just started homeschooling and I could see how it was getting harder and harder each day for my husband to go to work for the long commute.  The restlessness was there and so the children and I began to pray that Daddy would be able to come home somehow, to start his own business.  The very long story short was that he got a miraculous contract, allowing him to quit his job and come home.  The time he had with the kids for those 12 years was amazing.  So many miracles happened during that time.  I told them about that time....

After many years of on again/off again work, the contracts started to dry up and we knew that he would need to look for work again which was a very hard decision to make.  I told them yesterday about the blueberry picking miracle.  That was the day I went blueberry picking with a friend, not knowing why I was even going with this particular friend.  It was the first day of a fast where I was crying out to God to show us what to do on behalf of my husband.  That day she and I got in a long conversation about being debt-free, my husband's work situation, etc.  She was the one who suggested he apply to the college.  I had just assumed he never could without a Master's or Ph.d.  I went home to tell him my great idea and found out he already had applied!  It was the most amazing "coincidence"!  He obviously got the job and here we are today, always so grateful for the provision of work and the miracles that happened to get us there.  I told them that story....

We know he ultimately wants to retire and so now we are praying about what that will look like.  Ideally it would be amazing if he could retire and work out of the home (that might sound like an oxymoron).  As his big birthday approaches, I started to think more and more about the actual number he is turning.  Ok, follow along with my crazy thinking....it all ties in to what I believe are exciting things for his next season of life as God continues to write stories in our life.

I love numbers in the Bible.  I love their significance.  I don't think they are coincidence at all.  In the Old Testament, men aren't allowed to be in battles fighting until they are 20 years old.  Though we consider young people adults at age 18, in the Bible it seems to be 20.  I started thinking about that for my husband.  He was considered to be a man at 20.  I then added my favourite Biblical number - 40 - this brought me to the age he will be turning in June - 60.  I got so excited.  The reason forty is such a cool number is because of what it seems to mean, over and over, in the Bible.  Every time the number 40 occurs in Scripture, something amazing always happens immediately after.  With Noah, it was 40 days and nights of rain.  Then, the world was reborn, a new earth was created in a way - something new was about to happen.  With Moses, he spent 40 years in Midian.  This whole time he was being prepared to be the leader of the Israelites to take them out of slavery.  The Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years before they entered into the Promised Land.  Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness before His ministry began.  This is where I started to get excited.  When I consider the past forty years of my husband's life, I'm convinced God has been preparing him for something, even now in his "old age".  I am so excited about this birthday for him.  I believe God is going to do something "new" in his life.  It could be related to all the crazy projects and businesses he's taking on from the winery to the garden, to the courses he's teaching, or some combination of them all.  I do pray that it will involve him being home again more, being around the kids more, perhaps one day being a father-in-law or even a grandfather.  It could be ministry in some way, involved in our community more....I have no idea, but this feeling of excitement and anticipation is growing in me and so yesterday as I was sharing all the stories with the younger four, I told them all these thoughts.  And just like I did with the older 4 years ago, I had the kids pray specifically for their dad.  We prayed about his future, about what God has in store for him, about what the new thing could be, thanking God for how He's been preparing him these 40 years.  For so many getting old is awful, scary and a dreaded, depressing stage of life.  I prayed hard against that.  I long for his future to be exciting and full and, I believe, as Christians especially, we can live the abundant life now and always, right up until God takes us, no matter what age we are.  Both my parents and my in-laws are living proof of this.

I shared this with the kids, reminding them of how God has worked "signs and wonders" and has used his "mighty arm" and "outstretched hand" over and over again in our lives.  We asked that He would keep doing this on our behalf and on behalf of RM specifically.  As a result of this I walked around yesterday with a sense of that anticipation, not dread.  At the very least, he will be one of the fittest 60 year olds.  He and I, as part of our Lent challenge, have taken on a 12 week fitness regimen that will take him right up to his 60th birthday.  We have no plans to stop, so hopefully spiritually, physically, and emotionally we'll both be ready for whatever is ahead.

College Bound!

Every day I wake up and think, "What will happen today?"  Not in dread anymore, but in anticipation.  It's kind of exciting.  Well yesterday was a big day - my daughter, 4th child, got into college - this was huge for so many reasons.  First of all, when you homeschool, you have to go to so much work to get them in, more than the normal student who has gone to public school his whole life.  Transcripts have to literally be created from scratch.  If this ever becomes my job, I'll die.  Thank goodness for my husband who happily takes this challenge from me.  The other amazing thing was that this girl was unwell for a long time and there were many days where she just could not do school.  I always worried that she would get further and further behind.  But, by God's grace she was able to pick herself back up, get on track and accomplish what she needed for all the prerequisites.

One really amazing thing was when we found out she needed another English.  She is doing a grade 12 English course right now, but she needed another one.  The college gives you an option to take a 3 hour test if you want or a whole year course.  It was a no-brainer.  She took the 3-hour test on Monday.  There is nothing you can do to prepare.  It tests you on basic grammar, punctuation, reading comprehension for college level admissions.  I was a little worried again because she had missed so much when she was younger, but I tried very much to not pass this on to her.  When she came in a few hours later, she told me right away that she got the highest mark you can get!  Once again, this means I got the highest mark!!!  Whenever my children succeed, though they were mostly self-taught, I always like to take the credit!!!!  Homeschool moms around the world will understand.....

Two days later, the college emailed her official acceptance - that was the final mark they needed.  So exciting.  SO EXCITING!!!  This has definitely been her year.  As I look back over how God has taken her from a sick little girl to one who is so confident and thriving I always wonder why I ever bother to worry.  I'm so grateful for His hand in her life.

She regularly verbally affirms our decision to homeschool, too.  This amazes me.  She thanks us all the time which blows me away.  She recognizes she probably wouldn't have gotten in if she had missed all that school if she hadn't been homeschooled.  She creates lists of reasons why she'll homeschool.  In fact, all the older kids do.  Maybe they're brainwashed, but even if that's the case, it's nice to hear.  I'm already becoming one of those old ladies who tells younger moms, "Ohhhh, don't worry about those little gaffers....God will take care of them.  Just pray!"  Well, it couldn't be more true...

We are also praying very hard for a dog right now.  We have our eyes on a golden retriever, but we are highly skeptical of everyone selling dogs online right now.  We are quite sure everyone who is selling a dog is selling a stolen one.  The market for stolen dogs is so bad right now.  So our prayer is that we will be protected and that God will supply the exact right one.  We are hoping to breed dogs again and with the sale of the puppies we hope to put some more kids through school.  My poor son is on pins and needles as he has located one, but all the answers this one guy is providing are a little sketchy, so we pray.  

This was all in one day!  I have 4 more younger ones left at home to complete their schooling.  It is really flying by.  I'm in shock actually when I consider how fast life is flying by, but I'm also in awe of God's grace, helping along the way, giving the strength, providing the curriculum, answering prayer after prayer.  It's so exciting to see what today will hold!

Bashan and the 60 Cities

We expanded our house again.  We added another bedroom.  If anyone knows our house this is a true impossibility, but somehow we did it again.  Unbelievably, 2 of our kids now have their own bedrooms, well, almost...it'll be completely finished soon.  Remember...everyone is still at home.  There are TEN of us in here.

I never know how these things happen, they just do.  When we moved in to the farmhouse, there were only 4 bedrooms and 7 kids, one being just 12 months, so he had his own bedroom.  Everyone else was sharing - 3 kids to a room.  Then, over time, RM turned the garage into a room with a loft that housed 2 kids and a piano.  Amazing in itself.  Another baby was born and moved in with the baby-turned-toddler.  The 3 girls were getting too big and their room was too small for all of them.  My oldest girl took over the baby room and tossed the kids into the hall.  They lived on the floor by our bed for months while we figured out a new plan.  We then bought bunkbeds and moved the boys into the room across the hall, living with their oldest brother.  They've been there for years now, but this has not been easy.  All last year while he was studying for the MCAT and doing his entire degree, he had to work around these younger brothers.  Not a walk in the park.  I have to say, he was pretty tolerant.  He loves telling his friends at work that he shares a bedroom with a 8 and 10 year old.  It's always pretty endearing to be honest.

Meanwhile, my middle son, who lives in the loft, was feeling kind of cramped up in his room.  There was really nowhere to move him.  As we walked around the house, as usual, the Lord opened our eyes.  We went into the mudroom where I housed all our clothes and we suddenly saw it as a potential bedroom.  We even started to view it as a potential in-law suite down the road.  Within a few weeks, the plan began.  We initially thought it could be for my 14 year old, but then we asked him to be patient and we decided we would let the 21 year old have it for at least a year while he studies again for the MCAT (round 2) and finishes up his 4th year.  We haven't told him yet.  He thinks we're building it for someone else, but we're going to surprise him when it's done and tell him that he gets it.  

So last weekend we ripped out part of the old floor and this weekend we leveled it, prepping for new flooring.  Then we'll paint and move him in.  Where will I put all my books that I had in there?  Where will I put all the clothes I had in there?  I moved all my books to crates in my room.  Surprisingly, they don't fit too badly.  And all the other crates went into the loft room, which again, shockingly, don't look too out of place.  The funnier part is, that a couple drawers, are even in the kitchen, which has to be the funniest, but again, no one seems to notice.  

As relationships with my kids seem to be progressing and moving in the right direction, everyone is vying for the bedrooms of kids who move out one day....pretty funny.  I'm trying to figure out how we can speed this up!

Getting this bedroom done is HUGE for me.  It always feels like an answer to prayer and it reminds me of how we'll ultimately get everything done on our list.  As I wrote last week, it can be very overwhelming, but it just has to be one thing at a time.  Deuteronomy 3 was a great help to me as I thought about the high walls and fortified cities.  I went back and read it again with the kids.  Even more amazing truths jumped out at me....

It began with this simple phrase, "Then we turned and went up the way to Bashan...."  That's what happens every day - we turn.  We turn from one day to the next, from a Sunday to a Monday, from one week to the next, from one season to the next.  And somehow we end up in "Bashan".  When we hit these new days, these new mornings, these new seasons,  Bashan isn't always easy.  The next phrase says it all, "And Og king of Bashan came out against us, he and all his people to battle at Edrei."  Isn't that what I've been feeling?  Spring comes and instead of joy at the new beautiful season I feel like Spring is coming out against me to battle.  Or, I wake up ready to see my kids and start a new day, but instead a battle ensues, either waking them up, or them defying me in some way.  

It goes on, though, and thank goodness it does.  I love the next phrase, "BUT the Lord said to me....."  God acknowledges the fact the Israelites are in a place they don't love and speaks to them, "Do not fear him, for I have given him and all his people and his land into your hand.  And you shall do to him as you did to Sihon king of the Amorites, who lives at Heshbon."  That's such an encouragement - He knows the Israelites are afraid.  He knows I can be prone to fear and so He cuts the fear off at the pass and reminds them that He will win the battle.  He also reminded them that He's done it before.  Even as I look to a small thing like this renovation, it feels so big and looming - will we actually finish it?  will I ever have a house that has order?  And then I just have to remember what our house looked like when we moved in....we've come a looooong way.  It will get done eventually, over time.  I just have to look back and see the renovation victories we've had.  Same with all the things on our list - we will get them done, over time, one thing at a time.  It's like He's saying, "You've got this because I've got this."

And that's exactly what happens next.  It says, "So the Lord our God gave into our hand Og also, the king of Bashan and all of his people and we struck him down until he had no survivor left."  I kind of consider that like my list of to-dos for the Spring and Summer.  I feel like it will be a battle in a way and that we'll somehow strike down everything on the list until there is no survivor left.  There were 60 cities on their to-do list.  This is kind of a significant number, partly because we have at least 60 things on our list, but also because that is the number RM will hit this June.  I really love how the Bible includes details like that.  It could have said "lots of cities", but it says specifically "60".  I'm praying RM will accomplish his list by June, that we'll be able to look back over his years on earth and say, "Wow!  Look at the battles you've won!"

But, as usual, my favourite phrase in all of this was "Do not fear...."  Today is Monday, Spring is literally less then a week away, and we are turning into a new week and a new season.  "Bashan" is ahead of me, "the king of Og"  and all his people want to meet me in a battle at "Edrei", BUT I don't have to fear.  I just need to look back at last week, last year, yesterday even, and see how He gave the king into our hands.  He can do it again and I know He will.

Fortified Cities, High Walls, Gates, Bars and Pleading.....

If anyone saw our list of dreams and plans, they would say, "Impossible".  Both RM and I said that to ourselves even last night, "It's going to take a miracle."  I also said that I'm looking into getting a few more husbands as one just isn't going to be enough.  I basically need 7 or 8.  One for each child to help them accomplish what they long to do and as for me, well....we'll see.  Deuteronomy is my encouragement though.  Ch.3:5 talks about, "All these were cities fortified with high walls, gates, and bars, besides very many unwalled villages.  And we devoted them to destruction....."  That is basically my list of to-dos as well - fortified cities, high walls, gates, bars......all impossible things to take over.  Only God could help the Israelites take possession of lands that were protected with walls.  But they "took the all his cities at that time -  there was not one that we did not take from them."  Only with God's help could that have happened.  So I, too, commit my list of "fortified cities" asking God to help us take each thing on and "devote to destruction" in a different way.  I pray that I'll be able to cross it off our list and destroy it in that way.  It certainly seems impossible with just one husband, but at least I have one husband!  In so many ways he is like having7 or 8 as he is so capable!

Last night he finished teaching his first 10 week  online class - he now has had over 50 students since January.  What a gift that was.  He will start one more session next week and then he's done until the Fall.  We marvel at how that came about.  He managed to teach 3 nights a week, still work on his regular job, manage the winery, plan for a garden...oh, and last weekend he started working on the mudroom floor which he really hopes to have done by this weekend as we need to get some kids moved around again.

In order to touch base with each child, once in a while it has to literally be booked into his day.  This morning he's taking my oldest out for coffee just to talk one on one...it's the only way.

I take encouragement knowing my begging God for help isn't unusual.  Moses did, too.  In Deut. 3:23 it says, "And I pleaded with the Lord at that time...."  That's exactly what I do, pretty much on a daily, if not hourly, basis....I plead.  And I don't plan on stopping!

My Latest Wife Experiment

I'm doing a little experiment right now.  I would say I'm typically a pretty encouraging wife, but at the same time, I can also be a wife who challenges - Poor RM.   Typically, it can be on his ideas, asking a ton of questions, needing to be convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt and then, finally, after I've questioned enough and basically worn him down, I come around and say, "Ok, I guess it's a good idea."  Sometimes by that point he's either changed his mind or is too tired to try or worse, because of my questioning, he now has doubts himself....ah, the undermining that wives do without even realizing it!

But!  No longer!  I've seen this as a pattern and have been really working at it.  I still talk with him about his many ideas.  He wants to hear my concerns, but now I'm trying to be less challenging and more encouraging right from the get-go.  For example, the winery.  Oh my.  So much going on.

We are learning so much as we go on.  Barrels, it turns out, are key.  You can not put wine in a plastic barrel and it expect it to breathe and taste good.  I used to think it was just a pretty container to put wine in.  Nope.  So we had to buy barrels - they aren't cheap.  I was ok with 7, after he convinced me, last Fall.  But then a couple of weeks ago another opportunity came up to buy 21 more - 21!  I was initially so hesitant.  One thing about fear that I'm realizing is that just like "dread", "hesistancy" is a cousin of fear. I get afraid that it's too much money, that we won't sell the wine, that we'll be stuck with barrels....This time, after I heard his reasoning, I smiled and said, "Sounds good!"  Even though it seemed NUTS.  Then, he mentioned this other winery was offering him 1300 L of Riesling.  Not for free.  Another big investment.  Hesistancy.  But again, "I can see how that makes sense - let's do it!'

We now own 28 barrels and 1300 more liters of wine.  But I'm excited.  I believe my excitement fuels his excitement.  And, we always ask ourselves, "What is the worst thing that could happen?"  We might get stuck with a few barrels?  So we sell them again!  We might get stuck with some extra wine?  It'll eventually sell.  It always keeps us moving forward.  And, as I trust him, he feels more confident.  When I don't trust, that shows my fears and paralyzes both him and myself.  

He is very close to getting the last license that will allow him to sell wine.  He is getting very excited.  Ideas are coming to him all the time about the marketing side of things, the website, how he'll label and package the wine, where to sell, who to sell it to, etc.  I can only think that is because I've been fueling the excitement and not been a damper to him.

He had to draw a mock design of what our winery would look like.  Normally that would have cost thousands of dollars to hire someone to create.  Being familiar with CAD drawing programs, he did it in a couple of days himself.  He's created for this.  He's loving it so much.  So, who am I to stop him?  He's having fun, using every skill he's ever been given and I'm enjoying the journey.  Is it scary?  Yes.  Do I still have fears in the back of my mind?  A little.  But I'm recognizing that those are not helpful in any way, so I choose to not listen to them.  Instead I thank God for this man of vision who is leading our family and I'm having fun on the wild ride!

Casual Commentary on Deuteronomy 1:19-25 - I'm an Israelite

What a fun cat party we had!  We sang "happy birthday" (can you believe that), opened gifts, ate cake and cookies, watched her get a cat "high" on catnip (her favourite gift), had cat friends come over for their cat food cake (socially distanced of course), decorated the house with balloons....it was quite the day.  I can only say, I am quite certain I NEVER went to such lengths for my own kids.  What the pandemic has done to me and my state of mind.....it's inexplicable really.  I'm kind of glad she's the only cat we will do that for and I promise it won't be an annual thing....But, again, I'm always trying to get in the running for Mother of the Year and that was definitely a big points event, so I'm always happy about that....

Back to Deuteronomy..... It kind of ties in to the rest of my weekend.  As I read in Chapter 1, starting around verse 19, that was when it really hit me how much I am like an Israelite.  Moses often recounts the history of the Israelites, "Then we set out...and we came to Kadesh-barnea..."  Ah, Kadesh-barnea.....this is the place where I realized how much I identify as "Israelite".  Moses said, "And I said to you....'See, the Lord your God has set the land before you.  Go up, take possession, as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has told you.  Do not fear or be dismayed.  Then all of you came near me and said, 'Let us send men before us, that they may explore the land for us and bring us word again of the way by which we must go up and the cities into which we shall come.'"

This is me exactly.  I come to a situation, a decision, an opportunity - my Kadesh-barnea - and God tells me, "Here is the land set before you.  Go up, take possession!  Do not fear or be dismayed!"  But.....I then say, "Well, let's send some spies and just make sure it's ok.  Because, I really don't believe you."  Let me give a recent example.  I have been praying a lot about how I can contribute to our income.  My old excuse of babies and toddlers, I just found out, doesn't work anymore.  Those babies are nearly 9 and up.  When did that happen?! I don't have a "job", per se, outside of the home.  Being a teacher again in a classroom would kill me.  I have NO interest EVER doing that again.  I joke that I don't like kids.  God, in His amazing mercy, has given me many cool opportunities over the last few years to make some extra income with the microgreens, the grapes, the vine trees, so He's been answering that prayer already, but I feel like there is even more I could do.  Why?  It isn't money for a vacation, although maybe one day it will be.  It's more that I would like to help pay for things we really need - the renovations that so desperately need to be done, repairs that always unexpectedly show up, etc.  

When the pandemic hit we decided to grow a garden for our family.  I sold a few vegetables, but nothing crazy.  We ordered a couple books, but I didn't read them, I was too overwhelmed by all their ideas on how to make the garden profitable.  I just wanted food for ourselves.  My husband read them though.  But then, as Spring started to approach, something made me pick one of the books up and as I read, I started to get excited about the garden again, but this time as my next opportunity to make some income.  Almost instantly, fear gripped me.  I told my husband how I was kind of excited about making the garden more profitable by implementing the ideas I'd been reading about and my husband was totally on board, but then I did what the Israelites did, "We should send some spies...."  When the Israelites suggested that, I believe that was just an excuse  Even when the spies came back with all the proof that the land was awesome and theirs for the taking  and said, "It is a good land that the Lord our God is giving us", they still "murmured" in their tents, "Because the Lord hated us he has brought us out of the land of Egypt, to give us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us.  Where are we going up?  Our brothers have made our hearts melt, saying, 'The people are greater and taller then we.  The cities are great and fortified up to heaven.  And beside, we have seen the sons of the Anakin there."

What?!  Joshua and Caleb said, "No!  It's an awesome land!  We can do this!"  But the other guys said, "No way - we're grasshoppers.  They're big.  We're small.  Impossible."  Moses had said, "Let's do this!"  They said, "I don't think so."  I think the spy thing was just a way of stalling.  They never trusted Moses.  They always challenged his leadership and this was just another way of undermining his authority.  It was their pattern.  It wouldn't have mattered what the spies said when they came back.  They had already decided they weren't strong enough.

So it is with me.  The land is literally being given to me, prime Niagara land, ideal for growing vegetables and all things amazing.  I had a little excitement in me at first to take the challenge on and I took the idea to my husband who was all in and then the fear set in.  My husband was so frustrated with me as he watched me list all the reasons why I suddenly couldn't do it, "What if the vegetables don't grow, what if I can't fill orders, what if you get too busy to help me, what if, what if, what if......."  I was just like the Israelites, my heart was melting, the Anakim were greater and taller than me, the cities were great and fortified up to heaven in my mind.....But then I read this passage last week and I immediately saw I was doing it again.  Instead of listening to my Moses husband, I was challenging him in a way.  Instead of believing him when he believed we could do this, I was falling into my old patterns of fear.  I had to shake my head, identify the lies and then suddenly I realized how silly it all was.  The land was being given to me, I just had to go up and possess it.  The challenge was huge, but why couldn't I do it?!   Here I was asking for a way to supplement our income and then God opens my eyes and gives me an idea and instead of embracing it, I became afraid of it.  This passage helped me see the irony.

So, this past week, I went to my husband as a pathetic Israelite and I told him what I had read and how much I could relate to those people.  I also told him how much I saw him as Moses in my life and that instead of always challenging him I wanted to listen to his encouragement.  He just sat there saying, "Finally!  You get it!"  The next step was to quickly act on what we were thinking before I changed my mind, so all day Saturday and I mean all day, we planned the garden.  We are trying to grow on a larger more profitable scale, no longer just for ourselves, though that is part of the plan, too.  Now we have to do some serious soil amending in order to grow better vegetables.  My last year's garden was ok, but the soil was awful.  We're going to bring in the big guns.  We'll get it tested and add the appropriate compost and manure to get it to the ideal growing soil.  Then we are planning our beds to grow bigger and better vegetables with more weed control, landscape cloth, hoop houses.....it's going to be crazy.  Then, if all goes well, I may be able to sell boxes on a weekly basis.  One farmer we know of sells 200+ boxes a week and that is his living.  We aren't there yet.  We are thinking about 20-25 a week, but one step at a time...

I love how this passage was on land - "See, the Lord your God has set the land before you.  Go up, take possession as the Lord the God of your fathers, has told you.  Do not fear or be dismayed."  That's what I'm going to do.  I'm taking possession of the land.  He's given it to me.  He knows I'm afraid and dismayed, but I'm going to believe Him when He says, "Don't be afraid or dismayed."  Why would He even say that if it wasn't a possibility that I would be potentially afraid?  I have to just go up and take it.  I'm always looking for ways to keep my kids occupied in a productive way - this will definitely keep us all busy.  We have so many ideas.  The kids want to sell bunnies, lemonade, kittens....all at the side of the road.  It will be a fun summer I think.  They aren't afraid, why am I?  

Moses gave them one more chance, "Do not be in dread or afraid of them."  I spend a lot of my time hanging out with dread - love dread.  It's nicer to say you dread something because then it isn't as sinful as fear.  But what I've learned is that dread is a cousin of fear, so it's the same thing and it is sin, too.  Moses said, "The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, AND in the wilderness, where YOU HAVE SEEN, how the Lord your God CARRIED YOU, as a man carried his son (what an awesome image!), ALL THE WAY THAT YOU WENT, until you came to this place.  Yet IN SPITE OF THIS, you did not believe the Lord your God (see, I don't believe my husband sometimes), who went BEFORE YOU, in the way to seek you out a place to pitch your tents, in fire by night and in the cloud by day, to show you what way you should go."  Because of their fear, their rebellion, their sin, "not one of these men of this evil generation shall see the good land that I swore to give to your fathers".  This is NOT what I want to happen to me.  I don't want to miss out on the good land He promises to give me all because of fear and DREAD.  If the Israelites had just looked back and reflected for one second on all that God had done for them, they would have seen how He carried them - as a man carries his son!  He's done this for me!  He's carried me, gone before me, fought for me....all the way that I've gone, fire by night, cloud by day.  By not trusting God and my husband, I could miss out on all that God wants to give me.

In light of this - I'm starting to tell people here and there what I'm up to.  In a way, it's being accountable to others so that I follow through on all my big talk.  Today we'll order the seeds and attempt transplants.  Then the garden prep starts and seeds go in in May and June.  I'm still a little nervous as my garden was pretty lame last year, so I don't have a lot of faith in me, but I don't have to trust myself, I need to just trust God who has put these ideas in my head.  He'll carry me and it's His job to make the garden grow......Once again, a really long way to put it all into words, but that's just how I operate.  It helps me to articulate it all on "paper".  As I read today, "writing is a way of opening our eyes to see what we otherwise do not see."  Now, I see!