If my husband has a pet peeve about me it's that he'll tell me something, suggest something or remind me of something I should think about or do and I listen to him, but don't always act on it until I hear it from someone else or from a book or some other source. He can't really be mad at me, I swear I have a Biblical reason! Whenever a big thing is about to happen in my life or when God is trying to talk to me He regularly and consistently uses three different ways to get through to me. He ALWAYS uses my husband first. Next, it is Scripture and then lastly it is either a friend or a book or a speaker I listen to. When it finally gets to the last person or means, suddenly my eyes are opened and I usually come running back to him with my new revelation and he sits there rolling his eyes, saying, "I KNOW! Remember, I told you this first!" I'm no different than little Samuel in the Bible. God had to speak to him three times in order for him to know it was God and that's what happens to me. I actually really love it because I feel like it really is God trying to speak to me very clearly when this happens.
This happened to me on Saturday morning. For weeks and weeks my husband has been trying to get me to listen to some podcasts by one of the farmers he follows on instagram. I have no time for this kind of thing, so I just haven't, but recently, in our new fitness regime, I'm on the stationary bike a lot and I hate it, so I like to fill my time by listening to something. I told him to suggest something and he got me to listen to this woman, Charlotte Smith - it may sound funny, but she's a coach for farmers who long to be profitable in their farm business. I put the podcast on and within seconds, I couldn't believe all the things she was saying. It was as if she was speaking to me directly. Her whole message was how you cannot expect growth AND ease in farming. They just don't go together. Whenever a farm wants to move to the next stage and become more profitable, it won't come without some pain. She started to talk about people like me. People like me make the decision to do something, like selling CSA harvest boxes, and then they freak out. She calls this jumping in to the "River of Misery". That is exactly what happened to me. A few weeks ago, I had read a few pages in a book about the kind of garden I longed to have and how to do it and I got really excited! I started talking to my husband about it and how I thought maybe this was something we could do and then within seconds, I freaked out, just like she said. I started literally listing all my fears, doubts and insecurities. I listed all the reasons why I couldn't do it. I talked myself right out of doing it. Charlotte Smith stopped me dead in my tracks and said, "When you find yourself in the River of Misery, it's ok! It's completely normal! Don't be surprised by this! It means you are growing and the pain you are experiencing is good!"
The point of her podcast was to recognize that in order to achieve big goals like the ones we are setting is to stop thinking these goals can be achieved with ease. Like I said, growth and ease do not go together. Everyone knows this, but most people don't like discomfort and when it goes on too long, they give up. Once I recognized I was in the River, I started to really ask myself what I was truly afraid of. It came down to this - I was going to have to learn new things and I didn't want to. I was going to have to learn how to do so many things from marketing, to social media, to real gardening....so many things I'm not comfortable with. She started talking to me again and called me out on that in a pretend conversation. She said, "Yes, that's it. You need to grow into the next version of you." But I don't want to do that! She then said, "Why? Why won't you change? Why aren't you willing to learn those new things?" "Because it's hard!" I said. Then she said, "But what are your goals? What is your purpose? Why do you want to have a big garden and sell CSA boxes anyway". Right away I had so many answers. I want to contribute to the family economy. I want to keep my children occupied in a productive way and give all of us purpose for living. I want to be involved in our community and meet people and ultimately bring people to the Lord through my garden. I want to bless others with food by giving it away. I want to be a good steward with the land God has so clearly given us. It would be a waste to not grow vegetables! My list of whys went on and on. Then she asked me, "Then what is the cost if you don't do it?" That was the kicker. If I don't do it, my kids will play on the computer all day. They'll waste away. I'll waste away. There are many other costs, but those were the big ones. Then she said, "Well then, you are just going to have to learn new things, aren't you? You are going to have to grow into that new version of you and this is the thing - you can do that!" It was really that simple. My eyes were suddenly opened.
I started to think of it like "Me 1.0" . I like that version of me. When I look back over the years, I started off as the 1.0 version of me. Not unlike a cell phone, I've been upgraded multiple times. Every time I learn a new skill, I move up to a 2.0 or 3.0. By travelling overseas to teach, to having a large family, to building a house, buying a farm, by now I'm probably at the highest version of me yet. The 51.0, I guess. But, I've had enough learning. I don't want to improve or learn anymore. Enough is enough. Can't I just relax? Can't I just stay the same for once? For heaven's sake, I can pickles and beets! I feel like that is enough growing for one person. I do not need to or want to improve and learn new skills anymore. She said, "That's fine. You don't have to. You can stay the same and be like all the other people who don't grow....but the farms and the farmers who choose to grow and choose to move past the River of Misery, those are the ones who are profitable and who achieve their goals." Darn it.
So, I was sitting on my dumb stationary bike and I was literally growling. I was so mad. I peddled faster and angrier than ever. I knew something awful was going on inside of me. I was waging war with myself, in my own mind. Who would win, old me or the new me that wanted to come out? I stumbled upstairs finally and looked at my husband and told him how much I couldn't stand the podcast. He was shocked. I explained how she wouldn't leave me alone and kept calling me out on my bad attitude. "I don't want to change!" I yelled. "I don't want to grow!" But then finally, I admitted defeat, "Ok! I give up! I'll do it!" And just like that, I jumped out of the River of Misery. I had made it through! Suddenly, it was like the scales fell off my eyes. What was so hard about learning a few new skills? I could do that! I wasn't going to be doing it all alone. RM had already reminded me he would be coming alongside me. My kids would be helping me, too. And, so all my fears started to vanish again and I felt excited. Maybe I could really be a profitable farm!
This is how I really knew I was out of the River. We had talked about selling maybe 10 boxes this year, just in case the garden wasn't successful. We had also talked about maybe not even selling any and just making them available at the side of the road or online if the vegetables grew well. After that awful podcast, we decided, enough is enough, we're doing this. We are selling 25 for sure and we are going to 100% sell 25 more at the side of the road. We ran out, got the seeds yesterday, all the mini pots for transplanting, and started the whole process. We now have a seedling room temporarily set up on in the mudroom and we are doing this. A flyer will be put together and I will go door to door handing that out. My husband shakes his head. He can't understand what has happened to me. He thinks it's just because of Charlotte Smith as he had been telling me all the things she said before she said them to me. No. He had told me all those things, to not be afraid, to set goals, to learn new things. Then I had read over and over in Scripture recently about not being afraid to "possess the land", but she was the final blow. She was the 3rd thing God used to get through to me. RM is getting used to this and is patient with me as I learn these new things.
So I can't believe it. I'm going to grow again. I'm going to learn new skills that I've been dreading and I am going to make us a profitable farm this summer. My goals are ridiculously high and I'm super excited about it. It's official. The next version of me is coming soon......
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