I Need a Shepherd

It comes down to this - will I trust God to defend me?  I don't know if I've written about this yet, can't remember, but we've had our first wine delivery disaster.  We shipped with UPS to a customer outside Toronto and not only did they lose an entire case (read: stole), but they also broke 3 bottles, repackaged the remaining bottles into a old grocery store box with some scrunched up paper and made it look like that's how we ship bottles.  AWFUL.  The customer thinks we have no idea how to ship wine and it looks like we don't know how to fulfill orders.

But then I read about Mary this morning and how she was wrongly accused.  She was found to be pregnant before she was married and Joseph had decided to divorce her quietly.  No one believed what she said had happened, i.e., the angel appearing to her.  It seemed too far-fetched.  But in the Bible study I read, it simply said she had to trust God to vindicate her.  She had to trust Him to come to her defense.  I am in a situation where I must do the same.  I want to explain away what happened.  I want to make sure everyone knows, "It wasn't us!"  "We do know how to ship wine!"  But all I can do is deliver it by myself, apologize for the terrible mistake and hope for the best.  I truly have to leave it in God's hands, so that was a good reminder to me.

Mary also probably second-guessed to herself many times, "Did I really see an angel?"  No doubt there were times when her mind was full of questions, but God doesn't leave her there.  He sent shepherds.  Shepherds came and told her, they, too, had seen angels and that they knew she had just delivered the Son of God.  The Star, the shepherds, the angels....if anyone was doubting, God put all their doubts to rest.  That's what I pray all the time - just send me some encouragement, Lord.  Send someone to reassure me, whenever doubts enter my mind.

My son was full of hope this week - he has now heard from two schools out east.  He had hoped so badly to hear that he had an interview out there, but now, two for two, it's a no go.  But, back to Mary.  We heard a sermon this past week about her as well.  The pastor was talking about Mary and her plans.  She had so many plans.  She was going to marry Joseph.  She was in the exciting betrothal stage.  Yet her plans were completely upset and that was his point.  We all have plans.  He went on to say that sometimes our plans are pleasant, perplexing or painful.  Well, that just about nails it.  My son sure had plans.  He had moved out east in his mind.  I had moved with him.  I had pictured the drive out there with him, dropping him off.  I was so excited for him.  I knew he was going there.  I had enough faith for him, myself and every med student they were going to interveiw.  I knew he was going to get in.  But he didn't.  As the schools get checked off, one by one, his hope is fading.  But the pastor didn't leave us in despair.  He told us about how Mary responded.  "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be according to your word."  Ok, here's my translation, "Behold, no way, I am NOT the servant of the Lord, too angry and sad.  Let it be to me and my son according to MY word."  I should be struck down just for writing it.  I sat there in the pew on Sunday and the pastor had the nerve to read my mind and my son's.  He said, "Maybe you are waiting to get into a school...."  What?!  How did he know?!  He went on and said that we have to have the same response as Mary.  Fighting words.  Calm down.  We are supposed to think to ourselves when our plans get interrupted, "I am the servant of the Lord.  Whatever you do, I know your plans for me are good.  Let it be to me......." just like Mary.  As I sat in the pew that day it was easy to say because I knew he was getting in, so of course I could say, "Sure!  Let it be to me, let it be to my son, according to your word..."  No problem.  I even turned to my son when the sermon was over, "You have to be able to say that this week when you hear."  He knew.  He thought the same thing.  But the whole time we waited, I anticipated how he was going to tell me how he had the interview.  Then, on Monday morning - he heard - no interview.  It is SO different to know how to react and then to actually be put to the test.  However, the sermon did help.  The sermon did allow both of us to read the email and just calmly go on with our day.  By faith, though we were soooooo disappointed, there was this reminder that all God's plans our good.  But right about now I could use a shepherd to remind me of that.  Send a shepherd!  To me, to my son.  

So that's been the week - amongst a thousand other things - I will keep hoping for my son and one day we'll understand why going out east wasn't right.  We have to trust God and not yell at him.  Faith is kind of exciting when you can stand back and be objective, but that takes a lot of faith muscle to do that.  I guess I'll just have to keep working out my faith muscles.

"The Jonas Manifesto" and "The War Measures Act"

I normally don't write my children's names in the post, but this time I just have to.  We are currently in the middle of writing "The Jonas Manifesto".  My husband put it this way yesterday, "We are invoking The War Measures Act" on him.  Everyone who meets Jonas loves Jonas.  He's amazing.  He's full of life and lives it to the fullest - every single second of the day he's moving, talking, living life to the absolute fullest and everyone sees this.  This is what they love about him.  However, this constant living to the fullest has a downside as we long for him to live life to the fullest for the glory of God, not for the glory of Jonas, thus, The War Measures Act.  

With the other children we never had to invoke such measures - they typically listened to correction, rebuke and training in righteousness.  This guy isn't quite the same.  He seems to think he is in charge most days, in charge of me, in charge of his siblings (and I don't mean the 9 year old - I mean the 23, 22, 20, 17, 15 and 13 year olds....)  He actually bosses them all around and expects them to listen to him.  On any given day he'll basically attempt to tell me how he thinks his day should and will go.  If it doesn't go according to his plan, well...that's a problem.

So I pray and I pray.  Every day I start a new day, asking the Lord for help, wisdom, patience.  We all love him so much and our family wouldn't be the same without him as the life he brings to our family is amazing!  I don't want him to change, I just want him to conform to the will of God, to my authority, to be the best Jonas he can be.  It's kind of like training a tsunami to go the other way.  Not really that easy and quite unnatural to him.

As I trust God for his life, a unique opportunity has shown itself.  If I were a celebrity parent I would send my child to boarding school to "get fixed".  My husband and I have joked that it's an option, but I know that would kill him.  I'll NEVER do that.  I won't even send him to a Christian school down the street.  That would kill him, too.  I am so determined to be beside this boy as much as I can - he can hardly stand it.  The opportunity that has shown up is like a school, in the form of a co-op.  I typically don't do co-ops.  In fact, I don't really like them, but this one seems different.  It's not free -eeek, but maybe that's why it works because you're invested.  A few families from church have started homeschooling and they are homeschooling hard core.  I have always homeschooled hard core, too, but with a waaaay more relaxed hardcoredness (new word?).  I've avoided this type of learning on purpose for years and have done fine.  My older kids prove to me, whatever we did seemed to work.  But this younger set are not the same and now that's it's basically just me and the younger 3, it seems like something has to change.  If I can scrape some extra cash together, I'm considering this co-op for January. 

My husband was totally against it.  I knew he would be so I've been slowly talking about it for awhile now, but then yesterday I explained to him how my son is needing more discipline within the home, more order, more authority and how this outside source could be just the thing we need.  What I love about it is that I'm still the main teacher, I'm still at the co-op, I don't drop him off.  That, in fact, is what he would prefer - to be dropped off, but he will not be getting his way.  As I described this need to my hsuband yesterday, he suddenly got it.  We need to write "The Jonas Manifesto", he said.  We need to invoke "The War Measures Act" on him, he said.  And this will be part of the plan, Lord willing.  January typically represents a new start, a new year, a new everything.  By being involved with this new group, he'll be obligated to not be the same child he was the year before.  He'll have new standards to reach, new goals, new friends, new authorities, new ways of learning, new location (once a week).  It could be just what he needs.  The manifesto isn't in writing yet - but it just may be, we'll see if we actually put it into words.  Not a bad idea.

As I was reading in Scripture yesterday when he was still sleeping, I read about David and how he ate the holy bread when he was running from Saul.  One of Saul's bad guys saw him do this and ran and told Saul.  Saul then called all the priests, 85 of them, and had them killed for doing this.  David found out that Doeg had told on him and said (and I'm paraphrasing here), "I knew it!  When I saw him, I thought he would go and tell Saul.  It's my fault these priests were killed.  It's on me."  Now that might not sound like a passage related to me at all, but I actually felt like it was speaking to me.  David was responsible for the killing of 85 priests.  He made them give him the bread when he really wasn't supposed to eat it.  Here's the thing, he knew something bad might happen yet he continued on doing what he knew would get him in trouble, or the priests, and he kept on doing what was wrong.  Ok - fast forward to me.  I have a situation with my son.  I'm seeing patterns I don't love in his life.  If I keep doing what I'm doing and don't change things, I will ultimately be responsible especially if I knew things needed to change.  Perhaps a bit of a stretch, but it spoke to me.

A few verses later, David is still running from Saul and he gets stuck in a town "with gates and bars".  He inquired of the Lord what he should do because he heard that Saul was coming to get him.  Two times the Lord says, "Yes they're coming and yes they are going to surrender you".  David runs for his life with 600 men and flees and is saved.  Again, I heard God talking to me about my son.  Like David, I found myself thinking about my own situation.  Gates and bars.  I don't want my son to feel like he's stuck in selfish behaviour.  I don't want him to be stuck.  If I keep doing what I'm doing, will things go well?  Do I need to change how things are going?  I felt like it was God saying, "Do something.  Run."

Joining a co-op is the LAST thing I thought I would ever do, but that is sometimes how you know it's a good thing.  He is RESISTANT.  I love that.  It's also how you know it's a good thing, because he DOESN'T want to do it.  But I shared these verses with the kids.  I think I even got them a little excited.  They just need a vision of victory and just because they are the last ones to attend my little homeschool doesn't mean I have to fade out, why not end on a awesome note, on a high note?  No need to fade into oblivion.  I have to keep going!  I can't stop or get tired.  

I tried to avoid talking to the other co-op moms.  I didn't go to their meetings.  I refused to engage.  But one after another, I keep coming into contact with them.  One mom just kept bringing it up, every time I met her.  She started suggesting it and tried to convince me about how much I would love it.  Then another mom did.  Then another mom and another mom.  Then the emails started flowing back and forth.  Then the passages of Scripture, and then finally my husband declared the "Manifesto" and the "WMA" - it almost seemed done and I hadn't even signed any papers or paid any tuition.  I prayed with the kids about it.  Now I'm just waiting for the leader of our family to figure out a way to pay, lol, and then we'll start in January.  

It all goes back to Jonas.  I am so glad God gave him to me.  He has humbled me so much.  He has made me rely on God in a way I never did before.  There is a greatness in him and it is my job as his mom to bring it in him, not to squash him.  I am excited because I feel in a way that God has shown me so clearly to not give up, but to press on.  Giving up is not an option.  Boarding school, not an option.  Allowing him to be in charge, not an option.  He wants to be trained, sort of.  He just needs some pressure on him.  I told him it's the way a diamond is made - under pressure.  This co-op brings the best of both - an outside source of authority with me right there.  I'm excited to see the man he will become.

A Good Day

Up ridiculously early today - not on purpose.  After a while, I give up, come downstairs, have my coffee, read the news, workout and today I'll write and read, all well before there is movement upstairs.

Yesterday was a great day.  There are so many ups and downs in life that is nice to write about just the "ups" sometimes.  First of all, I cannot say enough how impressed I am with my nearly 18 year old daughter.  This is such a shout out to the power of God as I honestly wasn't sure how things were going to go with her once she started college - would she do well?  would it be a struggle?  I didn't know.  This girl had some pretty serious health struggles for a loooong time which left her feeling awful and really unable to do school most days.  She would attempt, but always fell behind.  I knew she was a great writer though and very mature her whole life, so I knew once we could get her health back on track, which we did by God's grace, she could pick up the pace and hopefully be ok.

So that's what we did.  She got healthy and went at it at school, graduated last year and now is in her first year of business at Niagara College.  She is excelling and has become a peer tutor for 3 of her classes!  Yesterday she had her first tutoring session.  She was so nervous, so I prayed for her while she was upstairs online with the student.  It went so well!  She met this other student through the college and was able to easily help her with her struggles.  It turns out she is from Mexico and really doesn't understand the retail world up in Canada so the assignments made no sense to her.  After it was finished the girl asked if my daughter was Catholic or a Christian as she follows her on instagram and noticed all the posts she made were related to church or worship nights, etc.  She is Catholic and is looking for a church, so my daughter immediately invited her to our church!  It was such a neat moment!

As soon as she got off the computer she saw a message from my son-in-law-to-be asking the young adults if anyone wanted some extra cash by doing janitorial work for the church - she immediately responded yes and then came downstairs to tell me about it.  My next immediate thought was to see if my 15 year old son could help out with her.  So she asked and hopefully this will work out.  Now, once again, this might not seem like a big deal - BUT IT IS.  My 15 year old has been watching how all his older siblings are making money, even his younger 13 year old sister who now babysits every day, and he is broke.  He would apply for work except covid has knocked all his social confidence out of him and he isn't sure that he would feel comfortable in an environment that is new.  Even so, we are always hesitant with part-time work because of negative influences, etc.  so what else could I do, but pray, and on Friday I prayed and prayed for him.  My daughter has also been praying for work that is "safe" and was given this AMAZING opportunity, literally from heaven, to sanitize an office near us twice a week - so many opportunities literally dropped into my kids' laps.  But the office sanitizing job wasn't enough money for her so to get this other janitorial job might be just the thing.  AND if it works out that my son can go with her, it solves all my concerns about putting him in a safe place, literally a church, with my daughter (kind of fun to work with a sibling), plus I don't have to drive as she now has her license (another miracle), it's only part time so won't impact his or her schooling - I just couldn't believe it.  So I pray this will work out.

And that was all before noon.  Meanwhile, I was supposed to be getting together with a few young moms for the Bible Study I hold with them.  It has been so inconsistent because so many viruses have been going around week after week.  So we had to cancel again yesterday.  I got a text from one of the moms who seemed unusually upset about her day and how she has been struggling with homeschooling and life.  I thought I should probably try to reach out to her to see her in person, but then I thought, no I'll just call her.  I had barely dialed her number when she answered the phone crying.  The poor woman!  I was so glad I called!  It turned out to be one of those pep talks to pick her up that was apparently just what she needed.  I praised God for the timing.

After this I went home to prep for dinner - for the first time in months we were having multiple families over for a Taco Tuesday meal.  I wasn't prepared how great it felt to be with others again.  We've had family over and individuals, but not large groups and it was awesome.  At the end of the night, we all just sat together and talked about how wonderful it was.  That was when my oldest son shared a really neat thing he had read.  He is in the middle of the longest waiting game of his life so far - waiting for rejection from all the medical schools he's applied to.  I wish I could write "acceptance", but he just feels so hopeless at times as the stats are against him.  However, I always encourage him to stay hope-Full.  So this week when he was feeling so down again, I just told him to keep surrendering, to keep praying, to attempt a fast, to trust God, to cry out to Him.....I saw him head down with the "giving up" look and just committed to him to prayer all day yesterday.  God showed up, as He always does, in such a neat way.  Without me knowing. my son did cry out, he did pray, he got into the Word -he'd been reading in Esther - and he came to this passage where Esther didn't know what to do as she and her people were going to be killed.  After fasting, she summoned up her nerve to stand before the king, trusting the he would not kill her because she hadn't been asked to come see him - this was against the law.  At that point the king held out his royal scepter and she was allowed access to his inner court.  My son, too, had fasted that day, and when he read this he felt like it was a direct encouragement to him.  Not unlike Esther, he, too, is outside the inner court of medical schools.  He feels as hopeless as she did that he can do anything to get in.  Yet, he has done all he can do to be faithful to what he's been shown to do and his prayer became yesterday that God would extend the royal scepter to him just as it was to Esther - "And when the king saw Queen Esther standing in the court, she won favor in his sight, and he held out to Esther the golden scepter that was in his hand."  I actually found that so powerful.  I was so encouraged for him as he felt like that was just for him.  How I pray he will be accepted and not rejected.

All of this - in just one day.

Furnaces, Gas Lines, Vehicles - Status: Grateful

What a week.  What a weekend.  Talk about superhero husband.  He continues to amaze me.  I'll explain....For the whole time we've lived here - over 10 years, we've been on oil as a source of fuel.  This is just plain expensive.  The numbers, if I dared to print them out, to heat our house, would blow you out of the water - we could heat all of Antarctica.  However, switching to gas would also blow your mind, so alas, year after year, we swallowed the pain, and paid the bill, barely, and pressed on.  Then, last year, our oil tank was condemned.  The oil company took a look at the tank and it had some rust on the bottom and they said, no more.  We won't fill it.  So we were left with a choice - replace the oil tank with a very expensive new one or switch to gas, also very expensive.  For the remainder of the heating season and up until recently, we had to top up the tank on our own with diesel from the gas station - also a very expensive makeshift option which meant the older boys running off to the gas station all the time, then putting it in in the dead of winter with howling winds, then RM would have to go downstairs and restart the furnace, which is also no fun, nearly every single time - obviously not sustainable and miserable for everyone.  How I prayed.

Enter in the new neighbour, R.  

R works for the gas company and as a young guy with lots of energy and great ideas and a low tolerance for paying oil bills, he rallied the neighbours nearest to him and easily convinced all of us to chip in a manageable amount to put in a gas line all the way up the street.  The gas line went in a few weeks ago, the beginning of turning our heating life around.  Then this past weekend, our new furnace went in - glory to God!  With a new thermostat!  Why is that exciting?!  Because even that stopped working - I swear - our whole house should be condemned.  But we couldn't put in a new thermostat knowing we were about to get one, so we had to wait and manually turn the heat on and off each time by connecting wires, oh my goodness.  It was a joke.

After the guys were here installing the furnace and the heat turned on ALL BY ITSELF without any boys putting in fuel and without anyone touching the wires together at the thermostat, we all just sat around and said, "Listen to the vents!  They're working!  It's a whole new house!  The air feels new!  Warmer!  Cleaner!"  It was pretty sad how excited we were about the heat in our house.  But this is the deal and this is why I am sure we had to go through that - so we will NEVER take heat for granted ever.  I also always tell the kids that I'm sorry they had to go through that difficult season of being cold, delivering gas (which they did time after time without EVER complaining - they are saints, I swear) and going without heat for a few hours if we ran out of diesel fuel (boo hoo - we all survived a few hours here and there), BUT God allowed it in our lives and this is why - so they'll all have stories and memories to tell their kids.  They'll never grow up and not realize where their heat comes from - they know!  They'll be sitting with their new wife or husband and the heat will come on and they'll say, "Look, honey, the furnace works!  I LOVE our new thermostat!"  It'll be so funny - they're spouse will say, "Uh, yeah, of course, what's the big deal - everyone has heat and a thermostat...."  and that's when my kids will tell their super exciting story of the day they got a new furnace and how they had to go without for a few months.....a great story!

But why is RM the hero?  Because as usual, it takes a lot of coordination.  Gas men don't just show up.  It's a lot of work to get all that together and for ONCE he didn't have to be the one installing it, praise God.  But, he still got stuck doing work.  The whole time the gas guys were here, he was under not one car, but two!  Yes, our used car lot of cars is slowly getting fixed....could it be that the ruins are being rebuilt?  I pray.

So he fixed my daughter's car - wow, that was a HUGE deal and saved her thousands - and the next day, he literally fixed the brakes on the truck - saving us hundreds.  I don't know how he does it, honestly.

The fix on my daughter's car was only temporary, however - another light turned up right away on her car, this time my husband had run out of time.  He actually has to do his job!  So ironically we had to take it in to a mechanic for that light, but it'll save time and money in the long run, but again, a lot of know-how and coordination to get even that pulled together.  Even last week, when the sump pump failed, he knew what to do and had it fixed ASAP.  Which, when you look back, is awesome timing.  We didn't know the whole gas line/furnace event was going to happen this past weekend.  It's fantastic that the sump pump failed when it did.  I'm so glad that was taken care of and that there was no flood when the gas guys came.  

I wish I had all that money that we spent on the furnace, gas line, sump pump, brakes, and car alternator to do something that would make my house a little more aesthetically pleasing as no one is going to ever comment on how amazing our gas line and new furnace is YET these are the foundational, essential things that had to be fixed and so I'm grateful that we are rebuilding from the inside out.  To go ahead and do superficial fixing would just be dumb and I know that God knows where our house is sick and He is literally forcing us to fix things in His timing, so I'm actually quite grateful for the order it is happening.  On the list of foundational, not aesthetically pleasing list, are things that again, no one will say, "Wow!" to, such as our roof and eavestroughs, but if we don't fix those soon, our house is going to be rotten as there are leaks affecting all parts of the house, but I'm ok with getting things like that done as they'll save our house in the long run.

Through it all, I'm grateful to God for a husband who knows what to do, how to coordinate it all, and is willing to work in really unforgiving cold, under cars while he aches, in order to get his children in vehicles driving to where they need to go.  As in social media where you click on your status, mine would be "grateful".

Tasmanian Devils and Sump Pumps

This week I wrote a devotional for our homeschool group called "Raising Tasmanian Devils".  I laughed at I wrote it almost all the way through as I'm not talking about the actual animal from Tasmania, but instead I'm talking about my two youngest boys who remind me of the Tasmanian Devil from Bugs Bunny.  I would be worried if I didn't have 6 older children who have somehow made it to the 13+ stage, so I actually think there might be hope for these two.

The reason I got to thinking about this was because of my 13 year old daughter who came complaining to me the other night about school.  I was dismissing her at first as everyone hates school it seems at some point, but then I realized I had heard all these complaints before by the older kids and somehow they had worked through it and gotten down to work and done really well.  This led me to thinking about how I should write something to encourage the other homeschool moms to press on as even though it seems like they'll never get past the "Tasmanian Devil" stage, which my younger two are currently in, or perhaps the other moms are worried that their kids will always stay in the "I hate school stage", these children we all have in our care will eventually, somehow, miraculously survive and get to the next stage of possibly even adulthood.

I will have 4 adults in the home as of a month from now and each one went through the "I hate math and science" stage or at least the "I don't know how to organize my time" stage - none of them were ever in the "Tasmanian Devil" stage - this is new for me to be raising livestock indoors, but because of these older ones, I remain hopeful that they'll make it!

The 13 year old was offered a part time job this week.  She was asked to babysit each morning.  Christmas is coming and she wanted to make some money, but I wanted her to do school.  So I made a deal with her, if she promised to do her school in the afternoon or evening then she could do it, so she is currently on probation.  Well, after day 1, she came home and got her books and did her school right away!  I was impressed.  It was partly because of the talk we had after she said how much she hated school.  I told her it's fine to hate school and I told her to journal about it and tell God how much she hated it and why she hated it, but then I told her to also write that she is sorry for hating it and to confess that perhaps she is struggling with laziness and diligence and that she needs His help.  I told her to write all this down and then to ask for His help and then to determine to be more diligent and to make a schedule, etc., etc, all in the name of turning over a new leaf in becoming more mature and responsible.  In just a few days I'm already seeing this.  And I've seen this now in all the older kids as well so I know she can do it.

My Tasmanian Devils are something else.  When #7 was born and he was a boy, I was hoping we would have another boy just so that he would have a brother.  Well, guess what - we got another boy and now I see how this was and is so amazing - they are two peas in a pod.  They are each other's best friends.  They go everywhere together.  They have all the same interests.  They speak their own secret codes and they have write their own secret notes to each other - HOWEVER - they both get into all the same trouble together and are very good at getting out of school.  Each time it happens, besides the obvious frustration, there is a little part of me that loves it so much as it is so adorable in its Dennis the Menace kind of way, or Calvin and Hobbes kind of way - they are just always up to so much mischief and it makes my day quite humourous, if it weren't so maddening.  BUT, my encouragement to the moms was that I know I only have a couple more years before the 11 year old comes to me and is suddenly hit by the fact he's going to be a teen and that means he's going to be an adult and that means he's going to have to get a job and maybe a car and a house and a wife and then what will he do if he only knows how to play all day......ahhhhhhh!!!  That's what has happened to all my older kids as they've suddenly all been hit by reality at some point - THEY CAN'T PLAY ALL DAY FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!  But Calvin and Hobbes haven't realized that yet, so I'm enjoying this play all day stage as it's almost over.  We get in enough school to survive.  They can all read and write, add and subtract, multiply and divide, so I know they're good.  They'll be hit in a very short time by reality, so in the meantime I don't need to panic like I used to.  I recognize I've written this kind of thing before, but it just keeps hitting me as time is flying so fast and everyone is getting older so quickly.

A quick thing to be grateful for - yesterday we woke up with a small flood in our basement - the sump pump stopped working.  But, RM was home, quickly went out - picked up another one - installed it, problem solved.  If I were negatively focused I could complain about "another problem" or how expensive it was or "here we go again", but I was reminded yesterday to try to make it through the day with looking at things with gratitude - one small thing at a time - and that made all the difference.  My husband was home, knew how to fix it, some money had come in to pay for it, there was little damage, flood was fixed almost immediately, not in the middle of winter.....etc. etc...so it really is all about perspective.  There is no other way to look at life - a quick change in perspective and life is good.

Thanks Ruth, Naomi and Boaz

As I said before, reading Ruth this time is so interesting as I can relate to so many parts of the book just because of living on the farm.

When Ruth arrived in Bethlehem it was the beginning of barley harvest.  When I started reading that we were in the beginning of grape harvest.  Just the word "beginning" is interesting as that implies there might be a longer process to it - including a middle and then, of course, an end.  It is never a simple process over here either.  Some of our grapes took one day, others took a series of days, not including all the processing.

Boaz was the farmer/owner of the field.  He must have done well as he had servants working for him.  He had noticed Ruth and asked on of the reapers who she was.  He told him she had come back with Naomi and had asked to glean and "she has continued from early morning until now, except for a short rest."  Seems like something unimportant except that I know these are traits my husband appreciates in his help.  He is so grateful to our kids that when he needs them on board, they all seem to step up.  They work from early morning and really only stop for a "short rest" here and there.  During our grape harvest everyone was working very hard.  That kind of work is just understood for all farmers - harvest is an incredibly intense time and everyone does it because they know it isn't forever.

Ruth wasn't doing anything for show or to get recognized, but she was noticed and her kind reputation went before her.  "Why have I found favour in your eyes that you should take notice of me, since I am a foreigner?"  It was only because he had heard about her, "All that you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband has been fully told to me, and how you left your father and mother and your native land and came to a a people that you did not know before."  I found this also so encouraging as there were many hours I spent in the vines, or even this summer in the garden, or at a washing machine or sink......it seems sometimes like no one knows or appreciates the sacrifices made, yet, Boaz went on and told her, "The Lord repay you for what you have done, and a full reward be given you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge!"  Ruth was comforted, as was I, by these words and said, "I have found favour in your eyes, my lord, for you have comforted me and spoken kindly to our servant...."  It was a reminder to me that I am seen, God knows any sacrifice made.  To know it really is God who will repay or reward, though I'm not seeking that.  It was a great reminder to keep seeking refuge under His wings, that living a life for God is a place of refuge.  I have found favour.  He favours me.  

Our pastor said this week, light always comes after darkness and Ruth experienced tremendous darkness, yet remained faithful.  Her time of darkness was nearly up and she didn't even know it.  However, it wasn't with a snap of the fingers.  She had to keep gleaning among the reapers.  And, just like with the grape harvest, it wasn't just a matter of picking the grain, after she was done doing this in the evening, she still had to "beat out what he had gleaned".  This was super interesting to me and I could relate so well to this.  We harvested all the grapes and then even though it was supposedly all done, it wasn't.  We had to go several more hours into the evening to destem and press it all out.  It isn't enough to harvest the grapes, they had to be dealt with.  Same with Ruth.  It wasn't enough to glean the grain, they had to be beat out.  She must have been tired!  Talk about long days.  I'm sure she wished it would end, that her days would be easier.  Did she have a happy heart while she did it, or was she grumbling the whole time.  I'm sure she wasn't grumbling.

Finally, one of my favourite parts of the story which always seemed strange to me was when Ruth went to sleep at the feet of Boaz, on the threshing floor.  But now I get it.  Why was the man sleeping on a threshing floor?  I know why.  It wasn't because he had no home or that he was poor.  Quite the opposite - he was a wealthy man, but a BUSY man - classic farmer.  He had no time to go all the way to his cozy bed for sleep.  He worked probably until late at night and then fell asleep on the floor.  No doubt Naomi knew this and told Ruth - this is where you'll find Boaz - on the floor in the barn.  And that's kind of what it has been like around here.  Where's Dad?  In the "winery/cellar room".  Late at night.  We almost need to put a bed in there.  At one point when all the grapes were coming in, I knew if I wanted to speak to him, I needed to head out to the shop.  Scripture just gets it, gets my life, and makes me feel less strange.  So thank you, Ruth, Naomi and Boaz for understanding me.

We are now currently in a marketing blitz, trying to unload all the wine in time for Christmas.  Will we manage to do it?  Can we somehow sell it all before the next vintage comes in?  I sure hope so.  The only problem continues to be the same problem it always has been - just need to somehow multiply my husband into ten husbands.  But because that isn't a possibility yet, I help by being his salesperson, which relieves him a bit and then I pray for strength for him all day every day.  And we take one step at at time, one day at a time.  And trust that God is in control of everything.

We did reach out to our friends who are home/garden designers/planners.  We hope they'll make it out here within the month to help us have an overall plan for the property at some point.  Even if it takes years to complete on our own, at least it'll one day look more cohesive than it currently does!  

As Christmas approaches, we've made a few changes this year.  It looks like the kids will just pick names for one another and then try and work within a budget.  That way everyone gets a little something or some "things" and it's exciting to look forward to and it doesn't have to stress me out shopping for everyone, although I'll be taking the little guys out I guess to help them.  The older kids have their own money, mostly.  It certainly makes for a calmer Christmas.

Well, off I go to continue my sales and marketing job.

Don't Call Me Mara

I slowly but surely have moved into the book of Ruth.  I could never be one of those people who read the Bible in a year.  Not because I don't try to read every day, but because I'll often sit in a book, a verse, or a chapter for a really long time, just reading a few verses at a time, never a prescribed reading plan.  But I get so much more out of Scripture this way.  

I never know what will be revealed to me, but as I started reading this short book I was amazed at all that I have learned that I never would have learned had I read this a few years ago.  It starts off sad as Naomi loses her husband and then ten years later loses her sons, too.  Ten years is an interesting number.  I've come across that number a few times in the last few weeks - it's been ten years since we moved into this farmhouse, it's been ten years since our church got started, and we are currently in a series at church in Philippians that followed a church that was around for about ten years.  And then, in ten years all those sad things happened to Naomi and her daughters-in-law.   I started to pay attention a little more to the storyline in the book just because of that.

In our church so many new things are happening that are so good - though we lost several pastors, so many new things are happening, including a new senior pastor, a new young adults/youth pastor (my future son-in-law!), new worship teams rising up because of the lack of a worship pastor, new ministries (including Bible Quizzing with other church families that we are heading up)....it feels like we are on the verge of something new and exciting and it is fun to be a part of.  

In our life, we have had a full ten years, babies have been born, children have been raised and are starting to get launched, houses have been continually renovated (though that has stopped for several years because of other new things that have started!), new businesses have begun - yet it has been hard - could we possibly be on the verge of new things, too?  Is it possible that a time of peace is coming after so many years of "hard"?  Or is it possible that maybe it isn't going to change, but we'll just be better prepared for the next ten years of "hard"?  I hate to get my expectations up, however, hope is the cornerstone of our faith so I do hope, not for a life of ease, even Scripture says that isn't going to ever happen this side of heaven and that we shouldn't be surprised by our trials...but, I do still hope - just in general - for whatever hope brings.

As the story goes, Naomi gave her in-laws the option to stay or go and one stayed and one left.  Ruth stuck with her and they decided to go back to Bethlehem where Naomi was originally from.  As she enters town the women start talking wondering if it is her and ask, "Is this Naomi?"  But she answered them, “Do not call me Naomi;[a] call me Mara,[b] for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. 21 I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?”  I had never noticed this before, how incredibly miserable Naomi was and I'm not sure if it's because I'm a "cup is half full" kind of person, but it seemed a little "I'm feeling sorry for myself" kind of reaction.  I know it is never nice to try and tell a depressed person, "You have so many reasons to be grateful!"  when they are down.  However, I don't think it is healthy to stay in a depressed state.  There are some who kind of seem to enjoy the pity they get from others.  I'm not sure if this is the case with Naomi, but she certainly made it clear her life was hard.  She mentions it over and over in different ways. 

 "Call me Mara", she says, which right away tells you something - I'm bitter - the literal meaning of her name.  She changes her name so everyone knows how miserable she is, or literally bitter.  We are not supposed to let bitterness take root in our lives, yet this is exactly what she does.  Next she says, "the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me".  So if you didn't know the meaning of her name, now you do.  She almost seems mad.  God did this to me.  But just in case you missed that she says, "I went away full, and the Almighty has brought calamity on me".  Yes, she experienced loss, no one can deny that, but is she as empty as she thinks?  She has Ruth!  Her own daughter-in-law chose to stay with her and said, "For where you will I go I will go and where you lodge I will lodge.  Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.  Where you die, I will die and there I will be buried."  That is commitment!  Naomi is not empty!  Naomi also traveled back to her hometown where no doubt old friends lived and even some family, including Boaz.  She was back where she was comfortable, but her bitterness wouldn't allow her to see that.  She says another time, still going on about her awful life, "the Lord has testified against me AND the Almighty has brought calamity upon me" - she just won't stop.  I'm sure there were women in Bethlehem listening to her and they were also thinking, "I also lost a husband" or "we've also suffered", or "you aren't the only one who has had a hard time".  Isn't that just life sometimes?  But when you are in a place of bitterness, that's how it goes, you can only see bitterness.  It's nearly impossible to see any good and this is where Naomi is, though she has so much to be grateful for, she can't see it.

There's a funny movie the kids like called Meet the Robinsons.  This movie is so interesting as there is a character who experiences a traumatic event (missing an important catch in a baseball game!) and he blames his scientific roommate who kept him up all night the night before the game doing an experiment.  He becomes bitter about this his whole life and when he retells the story later on in the movie he says how everyone "hated me" in school growing up, but in the actual real life scene, it shows all the kids not saying that at all, but instead they were saying, "Hey!  Want to come over today?" or "I really like your new binder!"  But he was so tainted by bitterness that he heard, "We hate you!"  when they never said that at all!  I kind of see this in Naomi - so tainted by bitterness towards, I can only assume God, that she can no longer see any of the good in her life.  Big warning to me and anyone else about the dangers of bitterness.

YET.....God is amazing and doesn't let her stay in that place and this is where the grace of God doesn't give us what we deserve - ever.  He blessed her despite her bitterness and was kind to her, turning her very dark time into an incredible love story.  One of the best parts of this book that I had never paid attention to before were the words, "And they came to Bethelehem at the beginning of barley harvest".  This meant more to me than ever before as I knew it meant she had miraculously arrived at at time of provision.  She would be able to have food because people were harvesting!  I know what that means!  And, miraculously, it meant Ruth would be able to work and make some income for them or at least they would have some form of provision.  This is amazing and would have been lost on me any other time I've read it.

There are many more lessons from Ruth - but to start - it seems bitterness is a common problem with women so the warning is obvious to not let bitterness take root.  As an outsider, I was easily and quickly able to see without even thinking too much about it all the good things in Naomi's life, so a quick note to myself was to try to do the same.  Treat myself as an outsider looking in at my life and instead of seeing all the things that are wrong with it and all the things that bother me, try to look at my life and quickly see all the good, as there is so much good.  It is a reminder of how easy it is to see the negative.  I've been thinking about the phrase, "Call me Mara" - she's basically walking around saying "Call me Angry, Bitter Lady".  I don't want that to be what I do, but sometimes I do it subtly in a passive way, complaining to whoever will hear me.  In a way that is exactly what I'm doing.  I'm basically saying, "Call me Mara!"  That is bad and a pattern I don't want my girls, or my sons, to fall into.

Poor Naomi.  I didn't mean to make a lesson out of her sad life.  She probably wouldn't appreciate that too much, but I'm at least grateful for her honesty.  She didn't pretend life was perfect.  She said it like it was - hard.  I think that is ok to be honest.  My life is hard sometimes.  Not really compared to most women.  I have it pretty good, pretty great in fact!  But to me, sometimes it appears hard.  I think I can be honest that it isn't a walk in the park, but I think the wrong thing is to go on and on about that and to only complain instead of looking, or at least trying, to see the positives.  I'm sure that is why God allowed this story to be in the Bible - just for all of us women who tend to sit there in our negative, complaining puddles, enjoying the pitiful thoughts, succumbing to them again and again.  This book is a wake up call to stop them as soon as they start.

Here's a silly example, that make this super practical for me - 

My dishwasher is broken - bitter feelings start......OR....I thank God for the opportunity to teach my kids what most people in the world do - wash dishes by hand!  We have a source of hot water!  A beautiful view to look at!  Work ethic being taught!  Food to eat that made the dishes dirty!  It's way easier to think of the list of things of positives...I've seen how my bitterness is poison to the whole family, particularly my husband.  He wants to move to the corner of a rooftop when I'm bitter.  So I'm learning the way of Naomi, who was probably a happier person than Mara.  I just have to decide each day who I want to be.

Lessons from the Vines

A lot has gone on this week as we've gone the full circle now.  We had two good days to pick our Baco Noir grapes before the rain came this week.  It required the whole family, including RM's parents and our crew we've been hiring throughout this past year.  It was actually the most beautiful day weather-wise.  The sun was warm, the breeze was amazing and the Fall sounds of the birds still around were so beautiful.  We were all having an amazing time.  I knew people were praying for us and I could tell because everyone's spirits were good and all attitudes were in check - not too much grumping even from those who typically resist all the hard work.

RM was in charge of the whole process and he did an amazing job.  From basically dawn until dusk he was picking up bins of grapes that we would fill in the vineyard  - all hand-picked, I might add - he'd scoot down in the gator, which he remarkably got going after a summer of sitting quiet from a dead battery (I was so glad that was an easy fix), throw the bins of grapes in the back, sometimes as many as 16 bins at a time.  Then, he would go and dump them in another huge 1/2 ton bin and go back and repeat the process all day, always replacing our need for empty bins in the vineyard.  It was an amazing process.

The whole time he was doing that, he was also managing another vineyard we farm down the street, doing the same thing there - so he was back and forth between the two vineyards as both vineyards were being picked at the same time.

As if that wasn't enough, when all the grapes were picked in the Bacos, we had to keep going....they needed to be immediately destemmed and the crushed grapes/juice had to quickly be transferred into waiting vats.   That meant a lot of work for two of my boys who are thankfully sooooo strong.  They would take huge pails of grapes and pour them into the destemming machine, one after another countless times.  My one son came down yesterday and described how sore his shoulders were after doing that over and over!  But were we ever grateful for their strength as it saved RM from all of that allowing him to manage the process instead of killing himself with the heavy lifting.  Even the 11 year old got involved as his job was to remove the bins of empty stems, dumping those bins in the compost pile - what a great job for him.  By 7:30 pm we had all the bins of grapes, nearly 3 tons of them, all destemmed and in the vats, waiting to turn into wine.  It was an amazing experience to reflect on what had just happened - from plants 3 years ago, to picking the grapes that we never thought we'd see, to processing them - all in one day.

As we continued to reflect, we were in awe of all that God had done that day.  RM's parents were involved this week which seems like a nice thing as they knew we needed the help and we did, but there was a much greater thing going on.  We started to appreciate our vines so much more when we realized as much as they were helping us, the vines were helping them!  After RM's dad's stroke, he just hasn't been the same.  He's been much slower, harder to get his thoughts out, a little more frustrated with his inability to communicate quickly, bored easily as he's limited in his what he can do, etc.  The vines changed all that.  He absolutely loved it and so did his mom.  They were given purpose for living.  They were outdoors.  They were using tools, having to do hand-eye coordination which is so good for his brain.  They were working alongside their grandchildren, having a bunch of laughs along the way.  They were able to enjoy the Fall weather and get some exercise.  It was just so incredibly satisfying, words can't describe, except to say it was the abundant life.  Our kids were all in and they always have been, but it was different.  They were sacrificing, as they all had school to do,  helping their dad, believing in him and his crazy dreams.  When we picked the whites the week before, there was a lot of rot.  The grapes did not look good due to wet weather and insect damage.  I felt disaster feelings and I told my son this.  He said to me, "I feel those feelings, too, but I believe in Dad and I'm going to support him no matter what."  Wow.  That boosted me and encouraged me so much, as well as RM when I told him what his son said.  So great.

This was when I realized the power of our vines and how much I love them so much!  My kids said in the vines this week, so many times, "WHY DID OUR DAD PLANT VINES?????"  One child said, "WHY COULDN'T WE HAVE AN ICE CREAMERY INSTEAD?????"  Sorry kids.  I know why and one day they will look back and see why we did this, too.  It has been hard, no doubt, and very stressful at times, 100%, time consuming, money consuming....all these things, but we have loved how it has allowed our family to work together, to bring in others around us.  It has given us a full life, a hard-working life, a productive life and one of amazing industry.  It has allowed our kids to see that you have to commit to something for the long haul and that there is no short cut to "fast money".  I do wish there was an easier way, but there just doesn't seem to be and my kids are witnesses to that.

We had huge victories this week though as we got into our second restaurant, and a big one at that - one that our kids have worked at that all of Niagara goes to.  How we pray we will have success at that restaurant as well as hopefully others to come.

When the Israelites sent spies into Canaan to see if it was a fruitful land, they brought back evidence to all of Israel to show them it was a land flowing with milk and honey.  And what was the evidence?  Grapes.  Huge grapes.  A cluster so big they had to carry it on a pole between two men.  Well, that's kind of what happened this week.  We had so many grapes, more than we expected, almost twice as much in one of the vineyards, we had to bring in extra guys to help.  A sign of blessing I would say.  It is sooooo easy to not see this.  

Ok - so now it is 3 days later - we have now officially harvested all the grapes.  This past weekend there was major pressure to get it done as rain was coming.  We are so grateful for weather apps that allow you to know the weather in advance!  What did farmers ever do before weather apps?!  It went from being balmy Fall weather to very cool and damp, nowhere near as fun, yet it was another really amazing experience.  I was out there picking in the vineyard down the street from us that is across from a winery we've gone to for over 15 years on many anniversaries.  As I was picking the Gewurtztraminer grapes by hand, I couldn't help but remember the first time I had the grape in wine form.  I had never even heard of the grape before.  I was 9 months pregnant, due any day with our 5th and I was going to have a glass of wine as I had been alcohol free for 9 months and I figured the baby was cooked, lol.  So the waitress described the wine and it sounded nice, so I tried it and really enjoyed it.  Fast forward 15 years.....there I was across the street from that same winery, but not on a patio enjoying a glass of wine.  No, I was in the very vineyard where that grape had grown that made that glass of wine so many years earlier and I wasn't visiting, I was living just up the street, helping to farm that vineyard with the son who was now 15 years old!  What a crazy reflection it was!  We had driven to that winery for many years and gone up the street multiple times and each time I would say to RM, "Who gets to live out here?" as I felt it was so unfair.  Even though my fingers were cold and I was working hard, I was thanking God over and over that day for how He has blessed us.

We were even able to get our skid steer out of axel-deep mud yesterday.  It had been stuck in another vineyard for days, but we really needed it out as it was going to get worse and worse with the amount of rain forecasted.  I prayed and prayed.  RM got really creative with the way he used chains on the back of the tractor and with multiple tries and lots of prayer, out it came.  We both just praised God as he had really thought it was going to be an all day thing, but it was less than an hour.  Soooooo grateful.

After studying Caleb this week, I fully get why people name their sons after him and his pal, Joshua.  But why not name them after Jephunneh or Nun, the fathers of these boys?  I wonder why they don't get more credit for raising boys that were so different than those around them.  Over and over you see Caleb described as one who "wholly followed the Lord".  Looking back on Caleb's life, he would have been alive during the time of slavery.  Perhaps his parents helped him to trust God even then as faith doesn't just happen.  It is work.  He then saw the miracles of the plagues, the Red Sea, water from a rock, etc.  He learned to trust God through the hard times and because of the hard times.  He had a great resume of faith that allowed him to be recognized as a leader of his tribe which then allowed him to be chosen as one of the men to go as spies.  He then rose to the top again and was one of only two men out of 12 who could see past the scary giants who lived there because he had what one commentator said, "the lenses of faith", whereas the other spies didn't even mention God, only the scary things they saw.  Caleb continued to trust God and was blessed to be one of the only men to see the Promised Land.  At 85 he approached Joshua and said to him, 

"You know what the Lord said to Moses the man of God in Kadesh-barnea concerning you and me. 7 I was forty years old when Moses the servant of the Lord sent me from Kadesh-barnea to spy out the land, and I brought him word again as it was in my heart. 8 But my brothers who went up with me made the heart of the people melt; yet I wholly followed the Lord my God. 9 And Moses swore on that day, saying, ‘Surely the land on which your foot has trodden shall be an inheritance for you and your children forever, because you have wholly followed the Lord my God.’ 10 And now, behold, the Lord has kept me alive, just as he said, these forty-five years since the time that the Lord spoke this word to Moses, while Israel walked in the wilderness. And now, behold, I am this day eighty-five years old. 11 I am still as strong today as I was in the day that Moses sent me; my strength now is as my strength was then, for war and for going and coming. 12 So now give me this hill country of which the Lord spoke on that day, for you heard on that day how the Anakim were there, with great fortified cities. It may be that the Lord will be with me, and I shall drive them out just as the Lord said.”

This has to be one of the most amazing passages in Scripture.  I love how he reflected on his life, always recognizing and giving the Lord credit for literally keeping him alive and giving him strength even in his old age  I also love his boldness, "So now give me this hill country....."  I see so much of Caleb in RM.  He's extremely unique.  He wholly follows the Lord to the best of his human ability.  He's experienced the miracles of the Lord so many times in his life he's lost count.  He would definitely have been one of the two spies to see past the scary giants as that's who he is, never falling into what others see.  He has the rare ability to see opportunity and isn't afraid.  He would say his strength is failing and perhaps isn't as strong as he was at 40, yet he is still strong and to me doesn't act his age at all.  And the most amazing part is years ago we prayed that God would bless us with land.  We longed to move to the country.  I even dared to pray, without knowing this verse even existed, that we could live on a place with rolling hills.  Who prays prayers that specifically?  I just liked the idea of not living in a flat place.  I wanted a view!  Well, guess what?  We were given "hill country".  We literally live on top of a hill - the escarpment.  And, we live on top of a hill on top of the escarpment - the highest place in our little town, we've been told.  So high in fact that at one time, during the war, our land was used as a transmission tower for the army.  Joshua blessed Caleb with the hill country and then "the land had rest from war".  We are still at war in a way, fighting to make a living, fighting the land itself, the weeds, the weather, yet we see the blessing of God in our life because of the lens of faith.  As long as we keep that lens up, we won't fall into the trap that the other spies did.

So - a long reflection, but so many amazing truths, just from being in the vines these last few days.  I could never have known all these things that would come out of living here.  It is not an easy life that is for sure, but it surely is an abundant one.

Looking Back, but Not to Yesterday, to a Year

Last night we were looking through RM's phone at all his pictures.  Sometimes pictures are taken and you don't realize the significance of them until much later.  He had a picture of our "winery" from a year ago and it was amazing to see the difference from last year to this year.  Last year he had a barrel or two, a bin or two, a small fruit press we used by hand to press all the grapes, a couple of cars, a milling machine, all his shelving, all shoved into that one little space - what a mess it was!  What a difference a year makes.  Now it has grown to 21 barrels, many bins, a huge 80, 000 tons of pressure/press that he designed by himself, all the shelving and junk is gone (moved to the bottom of the barn out of sight), the cars are out (still need fixing, but that's another matter), the milling machine is moved....the floors are even clean.  I cannot believe the difference.  Yet, when you don't look back, all you see is the mess you're in.  You just can't look back one day, one week, or even a month.  You really have to step back at least a year to see how far you've come.  And, RM heard this week, don't compare yourself to others.  Instead, compare yourself to yourself, from a year ago - how far have you come?  We have definitely changed from one year to another and each year we accomplish new things.  Yet, we forget and we feel down or discouraged because we compare ourselves to others and it doesn't seem like we're getting anything done.  But we are!  That short little look back was so helpful!

We also held a mini "tasting" over the weekend as the weather was so bad and we couldn't harvest.  We had one friend in particular come by that we hadn't seen in a long time.  She's known us as long as we've lived here and has followed our story.  I always tend to apologize for how things look, the mess, the lack of having things all together, etc., etc., but she said, "But you're doing it!  You aren't waiting to have it all together!  Look where you've come from!"  I always pray that RM will feel some form of encouragement, but that day I was the one who was encouraged.  To hear her say those things was great, just what we needed to hear.  

Another very unexpected visitor was a friend RM used to know from 40 years ago from Winnipeg!  She and her husband farm 2500 acres in Manitoba and their harvest also hadn't gone well due to weather so they decided to take their new corvette for a road trip.  What a beautiful car!  Out they came to Ontario and stopped in for a tasting as they had heard through Facebook that we had something going on.  In his mind, we were living the dream that he wanted - to retire in Niagara on a winery and farm grapes, not wheat.  He was ready to buy our farm.  His wife said he was all talk, so not gonna happen, but it still made me reflect that even though it isn't picture perfect, it is wonderful living here, wonderful to farm, wonderful to experience the ups and downs of farming, to see how it all comes together, to work alongside the kids, friends, grandparents, to have so many conversations all day long, to work through the hardships of stuck equipment, to figuring out how to bring in the harvest.....we are learning so much!  Our kids are learning so much!

I read my "verse of the day" that comes in my phone each day and it was perfect, "Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, For I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God."  Psalm 42:11  So, though we have days where we are downcast and disturbed, I feel like we have so many reasons to praise God and we are constantly reminded to put our hope in God.  

This week we'll have many reasons to keep trusting Him as we have two more blocks of grapes that have to come in and we're running out of time with the weather.  We have a very stuck skid steer in the vines and no way to get it out with the weather we're having, but we must keep trusting.  

Reflections on My Grandmother at 13

Yesterday my 13 year old went to a friend's house to help her catch up on her cleaning as she has 3 kids under 4 and was feeling a little overwhelmed.  My daughter thought this was an ok idea as she was going to get paid for it and loves the extra income as she is now enjoying doing her own shopping.  I also enjoy it as I no longer have to pay for all the things she wants!  This is her third job in her life.  Her first one was being a mother's helper for another young family, such a great experience all summer.  She also started babysitting and loved that, too.  I'm so grateful for the jobs a young girl can do that are safe and teach them so much.

What she didn't expect, however, yesterday, was how hard it was going to be!  She was washing and cleaning 3 bathrooms and mopping floors in the house for several hours.  She came home tired and sore.  My first thoughts were pity, I have to admit.  I felt sorry for her.  I make her clean here, too, but hours at a time?  No.  But then, I thought, wow, this is exactly what I wanted, isn't it?  We say that we have arrows in our quiver, but do we ever send them out to help others? Then I thought about the character she was learning.  You can only learn character by doing hard things and here she was doing very hard work.  Some good has to come out of that!  

Then, I thought about my grandmother.  She came over from Germany to Canada at 13 years old (I think I have that age right).  She came as an orphan and was immediately put to work as a housekeeper in someone's house at a very young age.  She wasn't treated nicely from what I was told.  Yet, here was my daughter, in a house of a friend who kept checking on her to see if she was ok, offering her food, telling her to not push herself too much, and then coming home to a family where she is loved and encouraged.  My daughter was working hard, yes, but she has it waaaaay better than my grandmother ever did.  At the same time, it made me appreciate my grandmother so much more to think about what she would have been like, what she would have been doing at that young age, all alone.  I ached for her wishing I could have talked to her last night and thanked her for all she did as a young girl, knowing she probably never had any appreciation.

That's all I have time for now....I'm now going to attempt to wake up the slumberers who are against waking up....

The Gardener of All Seasons

In the last two weeks we've aquired 3 new animals.  We don't need more animals in our home, but we have them.  But, great news, lol, they all came free of charge.  Yay, sigh.  My oldest son was given a bird-eating tarantula, apparently the 3rd largest spider in the world.  My 2 youngest boys found 2 free hamsters online, with all the cages, food and shavings.  But, they, I have to say, are very cute, so I don't mind them as much.  I guess it is the small things in life, right?

Today, I'm not sure what to do with myself.  I know I should be doing school and I will, but normally I would be harvesting vegetables for most of the day.  No more customers!  But I still have vegetables in the garden.  They didn't just stop growing, so now I have to force myself to go out there anyway and harvest what is left, which is a lot, and wash, peel, prep and freeze them for the winter.  This may seem like a basic and straightforward task, but I'm actually finding it quite overwhelming.  I don't want to let them go to waste, yet the work ahead of me isn't fun.  I pretend to be a homesteader, but I'm really not, clearly.  So we'll see what happens.  It isn't going to get any warmer, so I have to go out in the name of saving us a few bucks over the winter.  When I told my kids what they would be helping me with all I heard was, "But I don't even like turnips!"  Sorry.....If it were just for the potatoes, it would be worth it, but where are the potatoes?  No ones knows!  The potato plant dies and then if you don't know where they potato plant was in the first place, good luck...so I have all sorts of potatoes underground because the weeds took over and now, to begin looking for those potatoes is also very overwhelming!  Oh well.  I will say, when I find myself in what could be a very real and dark place, I have to remember how God took me through the entire summer, even with the weeds.  He allowed me to grow vegetables and provide them for so many people and He'll now help me take the garden down.  It's His garden anyway, so I don't need to worry even about that.

I'm now re-taking a Bible Study from years ago called MotherWise.  This study was the one that transformed my marriage and so many marriages of friends around me.  I'm doing it with just a small group of women and this is week 4 of the study where we begin to study marriage from a Biblical perspective, starting in Genesis 2.  I was brought back to the many verses God gave me in the Spring when I was first considering the planting of a garden.  Some of them came from Genesis 2, so it was neat to be studying marriage and yet be reminded of the garden verses, too.

Before God created Adam there was no bush, no plant, no rain, no man.  Then God created Adam.  Then God "planted a garden in Eden, in the east, and there he put the man he had formed.  And out of the ground the Lord made to spring up every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food....The Lord took the man and put him in the garden to work it and keep it."  These verses reminded me then in the Spring, and now in the Fall, about how HE is the ultimate gardener.  He is the one who really planted the garden, even though I think I was the one who did it.  Looking back I now see how He literally "made to spring up"  each plant.  Each plant that grew was so "pleasant to the sight" and they were all "good for food".  My vegetables grew so well because of all the manure and rain that I now have "kale trees".  The plants are so high that they are past my waist when I walk by them to harvest kale.  Unbelievable.  And talk about good for food...so good!  Adam's first placement was a garden.  Again, I find this so encouraging as I'm about to go back in there despite the fact I have no customers, and I'm going to have to go in there and work it and keep it.  It feels like a curse and it is to some degree as I'm fighting weeds that I'm sure Adam didn't have to fight, but it originally wasn't.  So, I'm going to have to take Adam's approach and consider my garden more Eden-like.  I really need to make sure my attitude is better and thank God for the privilege of working and keeping a garden.

More on the marriage aspect later, but I'm just grateful that God reminded me of these amazing verses even when I wasn't looking for them, when I was studying something entirely different, and brought me back to how He is the gardener in all seasons, Spring, Summer and now Fall.  I pray He'll help me find the vegetables and figure out what to do with them all.  Even that can be for His glory if I go in with the right attitude!

It's Real

So it happened - we did our first social media blitz and came out of the closet, so to speak.  Now it's out there.  People know.  Pressing the "share" button was scary, but exciting.  We are now a real winery, with cases bottled, barrels everywhere, labeling and bottling stations all over and people coming for tastings.

Saturday was the day we decided to introduce the world to Urban Tractor Winery because it was the last day of the Harvest Boxes.  Our customers received a complimentary wine tasting with their box and it was fun.  We even sold a few bottles so that was exciting seeing our first bottle ever sold!

The official launch is unofficially October 16.  That's when we'll host a bigger celebration where people will buy tickets and there will be a meal, a jazz band, tastings, and a big bonfire.  It'll be a fun event where we truly get to celebrate and introduce the wines to the world.

One of our garden customers introduced us to a local sommelier and yesterday she and her husband popped in for a tasting.  She's going to be a great contact to help us get our wine label out there.  One interesting thing she said was, "Write a book".  Hmmmmm.....maybe?  I've been writing for so long and have kept this blog all through the journey, so we will see if maybe one day it'll make it into print.  Perhaps a joint husband and wife book that we write together?

As we sat around as a family the other night discussing and brainstorming our launch party, it was almost as if our kids finally understood what we were doing.  "Hey, we should start a winery!"  Uh, we did.  "Hey, we should sell our wine!"  Uh, we are.  So, a little slow, but they're catching on to the vision and starting to see this is their inheritance, so they need to keep buying into it.  

As RM sets things up in the winery side of our shop, more and more of my house furniture is disappearing including my kitchen table, so that's made meal time interesting....

Well, the day has started.....it's going to be a very busy grape week I think as the harvesting process is just beginning...

Bible Quizzing is Back and Saying No to a Critical Spirit

Yesterday was exciting as Bible Quizzing started up again and with a vengeance.  The last couple of years have not been so good.  I can never understand that.  I see the value of memorizing God's Word as so critical, but for some reason not everyone else does so we don't get a good turn out no matter how many families I invite, but this year was different.  So many people showed up!  We have at least 15 junior quizzers and more senior quizzers than we've ever had.  It was sooooo encouraging.  

My younger boys had spent the last two weeks memorizing and were doing really well and then in the last few days, I swear, a demon from hell had been sent to them just to make them see it as pointless and stressful.  I really can't explain their sudden change in behaviour except that they were seen as a threat to the kingdom of darkness so they went from "I'm memorizing!" to "I'm dropping out" in one day.  I told them to keep at it and so they did, but not without constant bugging from me.

Then yesterday, they were the ones getting all the jumps and quoting all the correct answers.  It all made sense to them and myself as we reflected on the practice after everyone left.  They were so excited again and they were keen to keep memorizing.  What had happened earlier on in the week was clearly a spiritual battle to discourage them and attempt to keep them from memorizing.  There isn't a week when some kind of battle takes place.

This week I found myself unknowingly being the one who was critical or snippy.  The irony is I'm mentoring these younger moms and yet I was falling into the very trap I was discouraging them to avoid particularly with their husbands.  Seeing how that was not what I wanted to keep doing, I was suddenly keenly aware of every word that came out of my mouth.  I often say this to the kids as my mom used to say to me, "If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all", but had I ever really thought about EVERY word?  

This week that's what I have found myself doing.  I have literally thought through EVERY word.  Knowing I can cause tremendous discouragement and how criticism is never received well, I just quit cold turkey.  If a thought comes into my mind that is critical, then I just don't talk.  I catch myself and turn it around into something I'm grateful for.  If I find myself worrying, I realize how I discuss my concerns can then turn into a form of disrespect as I end up questioning RM on what decisions he's making or what he's doing, so now I just stop.  I try to discuss it very carefully as I'm uber aware now of how it makes him feel.  I've never  had this level of sensitivity before, but as we talked through a few things this week, he made it very clear how the criticism is hard for him and so I just stopped.  I don't plan on adding it back into my life!  Even though I've worked on this before and have seen major differences in our marriage, I realize I can still grow, still improve and why not, I plan on being married a lot longer, so I'd like to make it go the distance!

Well, I'm off to drive a son to school and start another day.....

Just in Chapter 1

Every week so much life happens.  I still regret not writing more during the summer.  We picked up my "blog book" last night.  The kids absolutely love reading little snippets of our life and who knew I'd been writing for over 7 years.  We read about my son's 8th birthday last night.  That 8 year old is now 15.  He's so big now.  I didn't write about what we did for his 8th birthday, but I did reflect on his 5th in the post.  The night of his 5th the cows we bought arrived.  Ten years later we used all the manure from those cows to grow our garden.  It was an amazing reflection to see how those cows would be used in our life without us knowing at that time.  For his 15th birthday, no cows, just a day of trampolining and flipping with a couple friends.  I'm in awe of his bizarre talent!

This week we are prepping for our the grape harvest.  This will be way more intense than last year as this year we actually managed to save the grapes with netting, so we have 5 acres to bring in BY HAND.  Needless to say we'll be calling all the contacts we've ever had to help.

We also spent the entire weekend prepping all the bins for the actual grapes to be pressed in as well as moving barrels around, cleaning and prepping the machinery and also getting everything ready for bottling.  We are also bottling we hope any day now.  We are waiting on one more approval on the red wine and then we order the labels and we will be selling wine.  That'll be a big day when we sell the first case.  Seven years ago when I was writing, I definitely did not see this day coming.

When we moved in to this place, we were still running an engineering business.  We had so much stuff from all RM's contracts that we didn't take the time to go through it, so it all came into what we call "the shop".  We've since gotten rid of so much stuff as he shut down his business and started at the college, but not everything was dealt with.  Over the last few weekends, we have, or I should say, the older boys have, taken EVERYTHING out of the shop and moved it into the bottom of the barn, then swept up all the mess and remarkably mopped the floors over and over until it looks brand new.  We are now moving in the vehicles that need to be fixed (yes, that's plural) and then the idea is we hope to actually fix them!  They've been sitting around for months because you can't jack them up and work on them while they are on a gravel surface.  Once they're in the shop, it'll be way easier to work on.  None of them have anything serious.  They are all "quick fixes", if that's possible with cars.  This might not seem like a big deal, but it's a huge answer to prayer for me.  When you have dumpy cars all over your property sitting there, you start to look like a junk yard.  How I hate that.  Getting things like this out of the way and cleaned up is a big deal.  I always want things done fast and when I want, but what I've learned is to be patient and trust and hope.  When you have as much going on as we do, you have to learn to wait.  And as a Psalm says that I read recently, you have to wait - in silence - that means no complaining, no nagging.  RM knows that I don't like the junky look.  He hates it, too, but one man can only do so much, so I have waited and things are slowly, but surely getting better.

We have friends who have an amazing home and garden renovation business.  The homes they renovate pretty much always end up in national decorating magazines, literally.  If we get brave enough, we're considering asking them to come by our place and give us a master plan for our place.  We could never hire them to coordinate the whole thing....we just want a plan that we could then do in phases.  Those phases might just take another 25 years to complete, but you never know, maybe just a 5 year plan!  Anyway, we'll see if we get our courage up to call them.  Every minute on the phone is like talking to a lawyer, you get charged!  So....don't know, can't say, want to hope.....ugh, I want them to come today!

I'm reading in Ruth right now.  In just the first  5 verses, 3 men died.  Three women were left with heartache.  The book itself is only 4 chapters long.  My niece's boyfriend broke up with her this week and she was left broken hearted.  As I read those 5 verses I could almost feel the heartache of Naomi, Ruth and Orpah and it made me feel my niece's heartache.  But as I kept thinking about it, I knew I wasn't really that sad because I knew the book ended on a happy note.  Ruth meets Boaz and ends up being in the line of Christ.  It was an amazing love story.  So I made a video to my niece explaining to her how "she's just in chapter one" of her life, actually she's just in the first 5 verses of her life.  There are 4 more chapters of her life to go!  There will be a "Boaz" one day.  Ruth didn't know who, how or when.  None of us do.  I am in maybe chapter 2 or 3 of my life.  I've met my Boaz, thank the Lord.  I still have lots of questions though as to how my life will go.  But, I need to give myself the advice I gave my niece - trust God to write the chapters of your life.  I don't need to worry or dread.  I can be excited about what He's going to do in her life and what He'll do in mine.  He wrote my love story and my life story.  I'm excited to see what will happen next, for my niece and for myself and our family.

My Life Should Be a Documentary

 After months of going off-line, I'm happy to be writing again.  I didn't intend to stop.  I just knew it was one more thing I couldn't add to my already-too-full plate.  Plus, I needed the sleep.  This whole market garden thing was exhausting.  But, do I ever regret not writing all the stories that came out of this summer.  

One of my last posts was right after our first harvest box pick up.  We are now less than 2 weeks away form our final box and all the way through our boxes have been full with AT LEAST 12 different kinds of vegetables each week.  Hard to believe.  I am in complete awe that the garden grew and produced so many different kinds of vegetables.

One of the few things I learned over the summer was not to fear, as I've stated so many times before.  One example was not being afraid of the weeds.  That might sound funny, but weeds really stressed me out and made me feel like a bad gardener.  I would go out each day and see how fast the weeds were growing, and of course, always faster than the vegetables, particularly in our mesclun mix bed.  We overseeded several mesclun mix beds and the weeds just freaked out.  But knowing I wasn't supposed to be afraid of anything, I just stopped worrying.  I knew I would get to them eventually and if I didn't what was the worst thing that could happen?  A weedy lettuce bed?  Who cares?!  The irony is that in a very strange way, the weeds protected the lettuce that was growing.  The weeds helped slow down the growth of the lettuce, allowing it to grow at the speed I could handle.  Without the weeds, the lettuce would have grown too quickly.  It made it possible to have lettuce in our harvest boxes longer than I anticipated.  It was another amazing example of how learning not to fear and seeing how even thanking God for weeds could be turned into a bizarre blessing!

Another fear I had all summer was would the garden provide enough vegetables for the boxes week after week?  I knew I had enough for week one, but what about week 14?  We were super ambitious in promising so many weeks of vegetables.  What were we thinking?!  But, without being an expert gardener, I just relaxed and trusted God week by week and day by day.  Those first few weeks were just basically greens, such as lettuce, microgreens, kale, swiss chard, spinach and radishes, but just when people were kind of getting sick of those, another vegetable would appear, like zucchini or turnip or cucumber or some other amazing surprise.  I always, literally every week, had a new vegetable to introduce to the boxes - you would almost think I planned it, but I never did.  I ended up having enough for extra boxes to sell and I always had extra food to give away to friends.  Even in the final weeks, when I thought "Oh no, the garden is slowing down, I won't have enough", a new vegetable would appear like tomatoes, potatoes or carrots and beets.  I know that even when the CSA is done, I'll still have vegetables for ourselves for the winter and I can't believe it.  In fact, my freezer is quite full already and I've managed to can quite a bit.

It was a hard summer as we worked a lot, yet it was a good summer.  My "middle" kids were the most helpful.  My younger ones mostly ran away from me whenever weeding was necessary.  My older ones were busy a lot of the time, but I had regular help from the middle guys and it was super fun hanging out with them listening to worship music and just always talking, talking, talking.  That'll be a great memory for me.

I loved the connections made with customers and as I've talked with them, most of them want to do it again - oh no.  On weekends when they couldn't make it, they would send neighbours to pick up their boxes, this in turm made more customers for me next summer!  Oh no. 

In May, June and even part of July, my kids would say, "Why can't you just be normal?  Why do we have to do this dumb garden?  We are NOT doing this next summer?"  But then, by August, we were already talking about next year's garden......and so were my customers.  They are expecting it!  Oh no.

But then, July 9, our daughter got engaged.  Oh my goodness, so many blog posts missed on that one.  She'll be getting married in June next year.  Right in the middle of gardening season.  Oh no.  We have a problem.  But, not going to worry.  If it's meant to be, it'll somehow work out.  I'm barely done this one.

If you were to see my garden now, it is covered in weeds.  I had to let it go due to school starting, but the vegetables are still there, just have to hunt a little.  I'm still in shock that my little garden business succeeded.  We spent so much money on an irrigation system.  I think I turned it on twice.  Every time I was about to, it would rain and always just enough so that the garden would get what it needed.  That was amazing.

While I was busy in the garden, RM was in the vines, designing equipment for the winery, doing his actual full-time job, or farming hay.  He was on one side of the farm and I was literally on the other.  I would walk past him carrying a load of vegetables and he would walk past me carrying equipment for the winery.  It should have been a documetary.  Our life was hilarious.  All the while, kids, chickens, cats, a dog and two rogue horses were running around in between us.  Our children will never be able to say their life was boring or that their parents were boring.  

Then, at night, many nights, RM and I would sit and say, "What have we done?" or "Forget it, let's just sell the farm" and we would look online for fun to see what was out there, but after our short mid-life crises, and there were many, we realized time and time again, that yes, our life was a little nuts, actually very over-the-top nuts, but it was exactly the life we wanted and the farm we live on is exactly where we want to live.

Because of what we took on, on purpose, all entirely self-inflicted, once again, our house was ignored for another season.  It continues to get more and more worn down.  I used to just long for cosmetic changes, but now I'm the one hoping for a new roof, a new septic system, new eavestroughs....what's happened to me?  Our vehicles are barely alive and we have little things that need fixing literally all through our house.  The list is so long it's laughable, if it weren't so serious.  This summer, as I saw this list getting longer and longer, I struggled, so as our anniversary approached, I once again attempted a type of fast where I prayed specifically for contentment.  What came out of that was a reminder to wait and to be silent.  These are all things God knows about.  

While I was fasting for contentment, RM was fasting "laziness".  He is hardly lazy, one of the most diligent men I know, yet he knew he could do even more in this area of surrender.  And though our anniversary has come and gone (that's when we stop the fast), he has continued to amaze me.  Instead of buying a whole new roof, he went up a put a few shingles on where they had blown off.  Instead of buying a brand new truck, which he wanted to badly, he fixed the wheel bearing himself and found a set of used tires for a fraction of the price.  The septic bed got another year of life by getting it pumped out last week.  I keep cleaning the house though it is unfinished in so many ways.  I try to overlook all the broken things and wait in silence until RM can get to them.  Winter is coming, the farm will go to sleep for at least a few weeks, though the wine will still demand his attention, and then maybe we'll get to that long list.  But, even if he doesn't, it'll be ok.  We have a roof over our heads and food in our stomach and a freezer full of even more food.  

Every day is full.  I will have no shortage of things to write this year.