Love Languages....A Caution!

I listened to a lady whining and complaining about her husband the other day.  Another wise woman told this unhappy wife about the book on love languages and how there are different languages we use to communicate love, such as acts of service or actual gifts.  Her advice was to read the book so she would know what language her husband was perhaps trying to use to communicate love and what language she was using. This way if they understood one another better maybe there would be less conflict.

I agree with this....sort of.  I think it is helpful to know what love language you and your spouse use, but then, upon realizing that, I think it is critical to surrender your rights to be spoken to in that language.  For example, in our house, I love getting gifts.  I need words of affirmation.  Fortunately for me, my husband is always very affirming, but giving gifts is not who he is.  He does acts of service all day everyday, but buying a gift?  Very hard.

I have learned, the hard way, to not demand this.  Instead I have to see all the "gifts" he gives me that are not your typical from-a-store-gift.  He gives me the gift of time.  He gives me the gift of conversation.  He gives me the gift of taking care of all the things that I find overwhelming, like taking care of the vehicles, the bills, banking......I know many women who get gifts, perhaps, from their husbands, but don't do any of these other things that I find so helpful.  Or, they get gifts, but never a touch or a word of affirmation.  My husband is great at affirming me and never misses an opportunity to hug me or touch me.

For me to sit there and demand,"Where is my gift????" would nearly drive him to the brink of insanity.  I have more than hinted in the past my disappointment when he doesn't speak to me in the "gift" language.   I should say, some years, on either birthdays or anniversaries, he has bought something.  I've actually received a number of gifts over the years, but some years it is just easier than others.  Other years, it's been a real challenge, both financially or just time-wise.  It is really tricky trying to get out and buy gifts with a large family!   Some might argue that he should try harder, but that is to suggest that he can only love me in that language and that if he doesn't buy me a gift, he isn't loving.  I don't think so.

Mother's Day, Hallmark, malls, flyers, ads.....it's worse than Christmas.  We are so inundated with pressure to spend, spend, spend.....the marketing geniuses know how to play the "Mom card".   I can get caught up in the frenzy and I actually think Satan can use these occasions to create tension in a marriage instead of using them to show love to one another.  

Now we are in our 21st year of marriage.....still learning about how we can best communicate our love to one another.  When I first started this blog, it was with the audience of a young mom or wife in mind.   If I had been able to communicate to that wife I talked about at the beginning of this post, I would have encouraged her to still read the book, but then once she saw what language her husband spoke, to be content with that.  Learning another love language isn't impossible, but it seems to me to breed more discontentment.  If my husband does try to get me a gift, he's learned over the years, it's complicated!  In my ideal gift world, he'd have to buy a different gift representing all the different sides of me.....that works out to about twenty different gifts!  Poor guy, I'm very hard to please...... But that is how I shop for him, something practical, something sentimental, something delicious.....see what I mean?  I will probably still buy gifts for him as that is my love language and hey, I won't deny it, if he shows up with a gift any day,  I'll take it!  But, if he doesn't....then I've learned, that is ok!  It doesn't mean he loves me any less.

When I consider gifts (and how I love them), I have discovered that God still meets this (pathetic) need many other ways.  Guess what?  Some of my kids love to give gifts!  Yeah!  I have very generous friends, sisters, parents, in-laws.....I get gifts a variety of ways.  I am blessed, all the time.  

God has created us to love, to give love, to show love....and that is good, but we must be careful how we demand it.  True love doesn't demand it or expect it.  True love "does not insist on its own way" or on its own "love language" (1 Cor. 13).