This is My Confidence

I've caclulated that on some days I am in a car up to three hours.  No wonder I'm not accomplishing all that I hope to each day.  Because I get so tired the second I get in a car, I now lie down for a few minutes, even if it's a 4 pm, to take the edge off before picking up my son at 7 pm.  It's the only way to survive!

We've now passed 9 years living in Niagara.  That has gone so fast I can hardly believe it.  We left the GTA (the suburbs) when my daughter was just 1.  She just had her 10th birthday.  I can't believe all that we've been through in those 9 years.  I can't believe all the people we've met, the places we've lived, the experiences we've had....mostly good, some not so good, but all have been used by God to mold us into the family He wants us to be.

I have to admit, I thought we'd be further along by now in our debt retirement.  It is hard not to feel disappointed by that and it can make me fall into that pit of discouragement if I'm not careful.  My husband reminds me all the time about the strides we've made, so I need to focus on that.  I didn't anticipate the needs of our older children and the financial impact they make on our lives and that is with them paying most of their way through life now that they have jobs.

I came across a song that is so moving and it describes my feelings exactly.  It is called "Do It Again", by Elevation Worship

Walking around these walls
I thought by now they'd fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle's won
For You have never failed me yet

Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You've never failed me yet

I know the night won't last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You're still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again

Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed

Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet

The first two lines are what strike me the most....."Walking around these walls, I thought by now they'd fall".....that is it.  I thought my walls would be down by now and they aren't, not where I want them to be at least.  Yet, the next line reminds me quickly, "But you have never failed me yet".  This is so true.  I am not homeless, not without shelter or food.  I have clothes on my back, animals and crops in my fields, children in beds.....why am I so quick to see what I don't have?!

The song goes on, "I know the night won't last, Your Word will come to pass.....Jesus you're still enough".  His promise "still stands".  This song captures all I feel and if I put it on and turn up the volume I can barely get through it without tears.  I love it so much!

Last week when I was feeling somewhat overwhelmed by all my older kids' needs, out of the blue I got an email from someone I've only met once.  She's an older mom of 10 who has more than half of her kids married and I think only 4 at home.  We were on the large family panel at the recent homeschool conference.  She said my name had been on her mind for awhile and that she felt compelled to write me a note of encouragement.  These are some of her words to me, "You are a wife, a mother and above all a CHILD of GOD!  God is with you.  He is walking beside you holding your hand.  Remember He gave you the kids you have.  He doesn’t make mistakes. We do what we can when raising them, God takes it from there.  We can not make choices for them as they get older.  We must stand back and watch, praying God will send others into their lives that will help them and guide them in the Way they should go.  But this is hard... REALLY HARD! "

If that wasn't a message straight from God.  I couldn't believe it.  How did she know?  What made me come into her mind?  The song talks about God's faithfulness, how He never fails, how I'm still in His hands.....what a great reminder to me.  I immediately wrote her backing telling her the timeliness of her letter was perfect.  I'm sure she has no idea the impact it would have on me.  I've said it before, sometimes God just comes into our lives with "skin on".  He uses real people, letters, phone calls, texts to encourage us in our lower times.  This is not the first time this has happened to me.  Though the times where I feel down are not what I prefer, I'm always amazed how God meets me there and doesn't leave me there.

We had some of our old neighbours come over from the suburbs on the weekend.  As I showed them around the house and farm (they'd never been here before some of them), I was able to show them all the work we'd done.  It was a good reminder to me all that we had accomplished!  I know that we still have a long ways to go, but we have done a lot!  It is not the place we moved into, that is for sure.

They were hilarious....they wondered where I kept my clothes if I had no closets.  When I took them to the mudroom and showed them all the crates full of clothes, all their cell phones came out, snapping away, taking pictures of my "family crate closet".  It is picture worthy, I have to admit.  Then, when they saw my 10 kg of oatmeal and my 10 kg of brown sugar and whey powder and flax meal.......more pictures.  I guess they've never seen bulk food!  Most of them have one or no kids left at home.  To think I still have 8 kids all at home blows their minds away.  It explains the mess a lot and my need for bulk food and perhaps why we aren't making the great strides I hoped for!  Needless, to say, the wineries were not the great attraction, our crazy family was.  Very amusing to them, indeed.  

All this to say, I start my week off today full of hope.  The sun is shining, the breeze is beautiful.  I will be in the car again shortly, but now I'm starting to plan things we can do out the Niagara Falls way.  There are so many hikes and things to see out that way.  I'll also be planning yet another birthday tomorrow!  My rascally 7 year old turns 8!  I can't believe it.  He's the one that truly marks our Niagara experience as he never lived in the suburbs and truly grew up on the farm.  Total farm boy through and through and he's got the abs to prove it.  I'll probably have a discouraging thought try to enter my head today or one that tries to make me afraid, but I have found lyrics from that worship song (above) race around in my head and that is what sends the lies away and defeats the enemy.  This is my confidence....You've never failed me yet.