Death Thou Shalt Die

Last night we lost Stephanie's mom to a battle with cancer that lasted nearly three years.  Stephanie got the call from the hospice around 4:30 in the morning that her mom's condition had changed.  Her breathing had gone from somewhat regular to shallow and rapid.  The nurses told her it could be 10 minutes or 10 hours, it was hard to know.  Her husband whipped over there and then she was able to arrive a little while later.

We got the call around 9 am or so asking if our girls could come watch her kids for the day, not knowing how long it would be.  Without hesitation, we all loaded in the car, knowing this would probably be the last time we would have to do this.

Stephanie wanted to know when we were leaving so she could meet us there, pick up her husband and then take him back to the hospice with her.  I immediately texted her back and asked if she wanted me to drive him so she wouldn't have to leave her mom.  I really didn't want her to say yes as I had no interest in going to the hospice.....I was too afraid to see her mom.  I had never seen anyone that close to death.

But she did say yes.  Oh no.  That's ok, I figured.  They probably don't want anyone to come in and see her.  They probably want just family around.  I was right.  Her brother didn't want any visitors.

We drove over, but when we pulled in, Stephanie's husband texted her to tell her I was there, so I did go in to see her in the lobby.  But then, I asked her, did she want me to go in and see her mom?  She said it was ok as her brother had changed his mind knowing people would probably want to come once they knew she was dying.

The moment of truth - in that split second I knew I should go and not be afraid.  It was a privilege to be able to see her.  So I went.  It was sad and hard to see her in that condition.  Her head was off to the side.  Her eyes were open.  Her pupils were flitting back and forth somewhat unvoluntarily.  It looked like she needed to have her nose wiped.  Her facial muscles were gone and her mouth seemed somewhat contorted - that was what was the hardest to see.  She lay there breathing just as they said, shallow and rapid.

Immediately, I felt tearful.  I grabbed her hand which was quite cool and just told her what a great friend she had been, how she had blessed so many people, including ourselves.  I told her we loved her and would look so forward to seeing her again.  I tried to get down right on her level and look her in the eyes.  She blinked, but that was the only response, but I'm not convinced she didn't hear me.

I knew it was an honour to be there.  I made sure I told Stephanie and her brother that.  I thanked them over and over again for the privilege of being there, knowing their mom.  It was good for me to see it as I know death is a reality in life and really, up until that moment, I had never seen it.

She hung in there the whole day, right up until about 6 pm.  Just before 6, I got the call from Stephanie that she needed me to come get the girls as the baby was fussy and her husband needed to bring her to the hospice to nurse her.  He was going to bring my girls to the hospice, too, and then I would pick them up from there.

I hung up and got in the truck to go get them, but didn't have my cell phone as my daughter had it.  It was at that moment that she died.  I didn't know this and kept driving to the hospice not realizing what had happened.

When I arrived at the hospice, I signed in as the girls weren't there and waited.  Then the volunteer at the desk asked me if I wanted to go see Stephanie.  I said, "Sure."  When we got close to her mom's door, it was shut.  I hadn't seen that before and wondered right away if something had happened.  We immediately turned around.

Suddenly Stephanie appeared and walked towards me with an empty look of loss in her eyes, "She's gone."  I couldn't believe it.  It was as if God had sent me.  I was allowed to be there within minutes of her death.  I hugged Stephanie and was able to hear the whole story of her final minutes, how she smiled just before she passed, how Stephanie's dad asked her to pray and how the whole family was able to be around her in those last moments.  Wow.  It was amazing.

I thank God that I was able to be there.  As I left Stephanie said, "You've been at all my most significant life events!"  Thank you Lord!  What a privilege to share these moments with her.

It struck both of us that, yes, there is of course sadness, but I think we were also shocked that we were ok.  We both knew she was in glory.  She smiled right before she died.  Did she see Jesus?  I wonder.

John Donne is my favourite poet of all time.  He wrote a holy sonnet that sums it all up for me - it is called "Death, Thou Shalt Die".  Here it is:

Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and souls deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die

Isn't that it?  Death need not be proud as death itself will die one day and death will be no more.  

So today, I'm sure Stephanie is sad.  We are sad.  I am sad, but my life is richer for knowing her mom, even for losing her mom.  I plan on stepping in as much as possible where I can to help out in the future.  I know I'll never replace her mom, I'm not supposed to, but I will try to give her the support she'll need as I know the hardest times are yet to come.  I still have my mom and I can't imagine how I would have gotten by these last few years without her help emotionally, spiritually, even practically. 

Oddly enough, I look forward to her funeral.  I know it will be a time of rejoicing!  I can't wait to hear how many lives she's touched.  She was a very special woman and had many, many friends.  I think it will be packed full of people from around the country.  She impacted all of us.  

Our lives are so short, a vapour.   Death reminds us of that.  May I live my life making every moment count for eternity.