It's Not My Fault!

What a breakthrough yesterday.  I have been struggling with a child, who shall remain nameless!  As the school year started to approach, I was dreading it!  How was I going to handle him, I mean, uh, this person?  I was praying for wisdom, but didn't feel like any was coming.  We were having a lot of conflict it seemed.  He was getting into so many arguments with me or little skirmishes with his siblings.  I felt like I was always having to work through so many issues all day long!

Then, I started to see a pattern.  Every time an issue came up, the same types of words and phrases were heard.  I almost missed it because the phrases always changed, but when I stopped to think about it, he was really only saying the same thing over and over, just in a different way.  Maybe you've heard these words before, too....

"I didn't mean to."
"I didn't do it on purpose."
"It was an accident."

What is the common theme amongst all these phrases?

"It's not my fault."

That was it!  I suddenly saw what the problem was.  He refused, adamantly, I might add, to take responsibility.....ever.  I had to stop him yesterday.  As my lights were going on I had to tell him, enough was enough.  This is literally what our conversation was yesterday,

"Ok, from now on, when there is an issue, this is what you are going to say......'Mom, I'm sorry, it was my fault, I shouldn't have done this or this....'"

"What?  How can I say that if it was an accident!?"

"There are no accidents anymore."

"Why was the word 'accident' invented then!?" he said rather snarkily.

"Because people don't want to take responsibility for their actions," I said matter-of-factly.

I explained that even if he accidentally hit someone by just walking by them or something like that, he still HAS TO take responsibility for not looking or walking too fast or whatever it is, so that he can learn to take responsibility for his actions.  I really meant it.  He needs to learn to BE SORRY!  He is never sorry first.  Yes, eventually I can get him there, but who has time for the half hour conversation that takes.  I need to see it right away.  He must learn to be immediately repentant when there is an altercation.  He MUST  learn to stop blame-shifting.  He must learn to realize he played a part.  As my mom always used to say, "It takes two!"  It does.  It is never just one person's fault and he always tries to find out, "Whose fault is it?  Mine or his?' 

His eyes opened, too.  After our ridiculously long conversation about it, he looked at me and with a true repentant tone, which I hadn't heard in a looooong time, he said, so simply, yet so profoundly, "I'm sorry."  I nearly jumped up and down.  I ran over to him.  I hugged him.  I told him, "That was it!  You did it!  You were sorry!  Did you see how that changed me?  Did you see how that completely disarmed me?!"  He did.  His heart went from stone to flesh, before my very eyes.

Eve did it.  Adam did it.  They blamed the other one.  Original sin.  Right from the get-go.  My son comes by it honestly.  Well, we all do.

Character training.  I no longer need to panic about the school year.  I feel like God opened my eyes to the true issue, it was a heart problem.  I'm not afraid of next week anymore.  I think I can handle it now that I know what the problem was.  Instead of running from one issue to another, I've identified what the character flaw is.  Before I used "Band-Aid" type solutions which really never changed the situation.  I can now go to the heart, literally, of the matter and take out the cancer that was not only eating me up, but him, too. 

It won't be easy at first as the pattern of shifting blame is so a part of his character.  He immediately says one of those phrases I wrote above....every single time.  But now that I've shown him that, I think he will be more aware and I've asked him to catch himself now.  Which just means I really have to catch myself, too.  And, truly, it isn't just this one child, all of my children, and myself, and my husband have this terrible character flaw, too.  We are blame shifters.  Ugh.  I'll blame Adam.

On a happier note, today is my 21st wedding anniversary!  This day last year we were on our way to the Outer Banks.  So sad we aren't going every year.  But we still savour the memories from a year ago.

Today it's "me day".  I will be spoiled by my husband, well, on a budget/spoiled!  That's the deal.  We actually started a new tradition as of last night.  We began the celebrations early by going out for a wine and cheese event at a local winery on what I called, "Anniversary Eve".  Why not?  Life is too short!  We even kept it economical because I found out all the cheese platters were half-price on that particular night, so I didn't feel too badly for going out.  It was a beautiful warm night, sitting outside on a patio, listening to a singer playing guitar...so fun.  We know we are blessed to have one another and we are enjoying the later years of our marriage even more than the first 21!

My parents will come over to watch the kids which is a very fun part of the tradition as well.  My kids pick movies specifically with my dad in mind, as he loves to watch them with the kids, too.  They'll talk about his days in Africa...he has so many stories.  So my kids will have a fun time as well.

I think I will be killing a rooster later on today, too.....woke me up before 5 am.......Oh well, that's the funny side of farm life.....