Well, it hasn't happened yet, but it's looking like we'll be able to creatively cover our huge dentist bill this week. We finally got around to listing our gigantic fish tank to sell and it looks like we have a couple of interested buyers which would pay for the entire bill! It's all in His care, so I'm not worried. Stretching that faith muscle is so key, refusing to let Satan make me doubt God's goodness, His faithfulness. There is more to that story as we had quite a miracle yesterday, but that is for tomorrow......
Chronic Soul Amnesia. I just found out that is the condition I suffer from! Ann Voskamp told me. Well, her countertop calender did. This is how she describes this spiritual condition,
"I am of the chronic soul amnesia, ever the losing of memory, ever the surprise of remembering, circling again into the old new ways, always re-found. I empty of truth and need the refilling. I need come again every day, bend, clutch and remember, for who can gather the manna but once, hoarding, and mind store away sustenance for all of their living?"
That was it! That described exactly all the ups and downs I have and it also described the absolutely necessary daily refilling from scripture. She refers to the manna the Israelites used to get sent to them from heaven. It came every morning and they were only allowed to gather what they needed for that day, never hoarding or storing away for the rest of the week or it went bad. It was a picture of Jesus - the bread of life - who daily supplies - DAILY - what I need to live. I can't just read the Bible once and then hope to remember a verse when I'm in desperate straits. I can't hoard Jesus for the future. I have Chronic Soul Amnesia - if I did that, I'd turn around and forget as soon as the hard times would come! I can memorize His Word and it will absolutely be there for me when I need it, but I must daily read His Word as well and that is what has been getting me through these ups and downs.
This can be a real challenge for me after I spend time with another mom or talk on the phone with another friend. We, as women, as moms, have to be so careful when we talk to other moms, don't we? It doesn't take much to suddenly sit there and compare our situations, our lives and we get all insecure or we start to covet, wishing we had the other mom's life or whatever she's doing well at. It happens to me and it's just another area to nip in the bud, the second I start to feel that woe-is-me feeling. This time of year it's usually when I hear about someone else's extravagant vacation or fun outing that I start to feel I may not be providing what my kids need - it goes back to Christmas presents, thinking I'm a bad parent if I don't buy them lots of stuff. Chronic Soul Amnesia. I forget!!! (It sounds like it must happen to Ann Voskamp, too, so I don't feel so bad....)
It used to be an initial sinking feeling in my stomach. My thoughts would start to race as I compared my situation to what I wish it were, but now, I fight back. I've been using those phrases all week from Hebrews 11 - I quench the power of fire. I close the mouths of the lions. I cling to the promises I've obtained. It's been so powerful and has really helped me if a negative thought pattern tries to enter into my thinking.
I found another scripture this week that has been just so clear on how I should view things. This is a great example of that daily refilling. I found myself empty of truth and needed to replace it, refill, fast. Again, I've read it before, but I needed it this past week, on one day in particular. It wasn't in my memory. The fact I naturally came across it in my daily reading was perfect timing. Though it was familiar, this time I really stopped and meditated on it, word by word, phrase by phrase, and I prayed it back to the Lord....
"But godliness with content is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, in a snare, into many senselss and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs." 1 Timothy 6:6-10
This passage is so freeing. I read it again and again. My husband woke up and sat with me and we enjoyed a coffee together. I shared with him epiphany after epiphany. He's seen me in my ups and downs since we went more hard core in our debt-reduction decision. It hasn't been easy for him to see me struggle as I can make him feel like he's not doing enough. All along we communicate to one another, which is the key I think in a marriage to not letting a brick wall form between each other. I've shared every thought, even if it's a pathetic one, and he's helped me work through it. He's listened time and time again as I explain the spiritual battle I feel I'm in on certain days. But he can't "fix me"! I'm sure he wishes he could! I bet he wishes the battle would just stop once and for all! I am in the process of being sanctified, being taught lesson after lesson. I think he's grateful for what I'm learning and this lesson in particular was a good one for him to hear. This was what I shared with him...
Food and clothing, that's all I need. I have those things - quite a bit actually! I can be content with that. Once again, it doesn't say anywhere that I need to entertain my kids with huge vacations (though it is still fun!), or give them something I cannot afford. We know one day, when all is free and clear, we would love to travel and bless our kids in that way, but for now, it just isn't wise.
I've never really thought of myself as someone who desires to be rich. I see myself more as someone who desires to be out of bondage. However, occasionally, I still find myself wishing my circumstances were different - either way it is a temptation towards discontentment. This was where the verse really hit me. It says I've fallen "into a snare". That is how it feels sometimes. Being in that snare brings "senseless and harmful desires". Interesting descriptions. Senseless. That means there is no point to dissatisfaction. It'll get me, or anyone, nowhere. Harmful. Wrong desires have the potential of getting me into trouble in some way. Maybe it'll be a complaining attitude or perhaps it'll be modeling bad behaviour for my children. Like I said, it can often come in the form of making my husband feel like he's not doing enough to make his "dripping faucet" wife happy. Those negative desires also not only get me into a snare, but literally "plunge people into ruin and destruction". That is so true! Isn't that exactly what I've been writing about recently? When I have allowed discontentment to creep into my life, I plunge. I don't slip slowly. It's one minute to the next. One minute I'm ok with my life and the next minute, I've plunged. Great word. Plunge. There is no literal pit, but it is definitely ruin and destruction nevertheless. Ruin in my thoughts. Destruction in how my perspective on life gets so skewed. If I were not to have God's Word to pick me up and I just let myself stay in that pit, I can only imagine how awful things would get around here, so it could really be ruin and destruction.
The next verse convicted me, too. I've also read it before, but never thought it applied to me... "for the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs." See? It couldn't apply to me, I used to think. I don't "love money", or do I? When I asked myself the question and truly thought about it, I guess I kind of do! I suppose I do love it in a way. I love how it appears to solve problems! But I must be careful - all kinds of evils.....well, it seems a little bit harsh to call being discontent an evil, but maybe it is! It calls it a craving and could lead someone away from the faith. That couldn't happen to me! But, in a way, when I doubt God's faithfulness, that is leading me away. The verse then says that I pierce myself with "many pangs". Sure enough. It does feel like I'm being pierced sometimes and the irony? I'm doing it to myself by allowing those discontented feelings.
These are all the things I shared with RM that day. He's always happy when Scripture puts me on track. I know Satan isn't going to give up on trying to make me doubt God. But my aresenal keeps growing. I shared with my kids later on that day what I read and I think it really helped them as well because, believe it or not, they get discontent, too! Great reminders.
Am I cured of Chronic Soul Amnesia? I don't think so. It might just be a condition for life, but I'm so grateful for the antedote - The Word of God, daily.
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