The Fear Tests

Two things happened early on in our marriage that I realize have affected me for years.  It's silly really, but Satan has used them to create fear in me all this time.  It was only yesterday that I realized this, because of what I had written about, having no fear, no panic, no dread, and that I must conquer these fears once and for all.

A looooong time ago, when we only had one child, we were looking to put in an apartment suite in our home so that we could rent out part of our home for some extra income (it was a good-sized house).  We were living in a part of town where you just didn't do these sorts of things. It was highly looked down upon and we didn't realize it at the time, but it was creating a slow burn in our neighbours as I guess they were viewing us as "bringing down the neighbourhood". 

Sure enough, they called the "by-law enforcement" officers and reported on us, sure that we were doing something we weren't allowed to do.  Turns out, we were completely within our rights to do what we were doing as long as we made a few adjustments to keep it within the by-laws, which we did right away.  I'm sure the neighbours weren't happy about that, but oh well.  We didn't stick around that part of town much longer, needless to say.

However, that was the beginning of fear #1 - I have always felt a twinge of, let's say, concern....when it comes to the city or town authorities since then and their silly little vehicles.  Even if we aren't guilty of anything!  That's ridiculous!  Just because of that one time......ages ago.  This week, a city truck drove into our driveway to ask a simple question about where we were thinking of putting some solar panels, but at first, I assumed we were in trouble!  Satan loves to have my stomach in knots and will do whatever it takes to make me feel anxious.  I hadn't studied that passage I wrote about yesterday, so fear gripped me, even though there was no reason for fear!  It was a nation God wanted me to possess and yet I couldn't because I was "fearful and fainthearted".  The man left, nothing had happened.  All my concerns were completely pointless and misguided.

The other silly thing was also early on, when we had only 2 or 3 children.  One time I told my husband I was going grocery shopping and I checked to make sure there was money in the bank.  We were good.  But when I went to pay, the machine said "declined".  I was mortified.  There was money in the bank, but of course, they just assume you are trying to cover up.  Some mistake was made or some cheque was held, I can't remember what it was, but since then, I often feel afraid when I get to the cashier, even if I know 100% that there is money in the bank.  That's how fear works - it makes you irrational.

But yesterday was different.  I went grocery shopping.  It was a big shop.  I had once again checked in with my husband and he said we were good.  But as I shopped and started stocking up on lots of big ticket items, fear started to eat at me - what if I'm buying too much?  What if a mistake was made at the bank?  Perhaps I shouldn't buy so much.  It was a big cart full by the time I was done.  I had a huge knot in my stomach which I have felt before, but hadn't recognized it at as something I could deal with. 

The moment of truth.  I stood at the cashier - it was a big bill.  Suddenly I remembered what I had written about just that morning and realized I was afraid, dreading and possibly even slightly panicking - once again, for no reason.  I started to say to myself, "No fear, no panic, no dread."  I repeated it in my mind because I knew I needed to stop this terrible pattern of thinking.  I saw it for what it was for the first time - it was truly a spiritual battle.  A nation was in front of me, could I take this one?  Could God help me get victory in this area?  As I thought through it, right there, in the aisle, on the spot, I worked through it.  I asked myself, "What is the worst thing that could happen?"  I knew I could handle it!  It wouldn't be the end of the world!  No problem - I was approved and scooted out to do a few more errands with the same calmness that had suddenly come over me.  Victory.   

I do not need to be afraid.  I think that really was another nation for me.  I realized that if I am "fearful" or "fainthearted" I better just drop out of the game.  The Bible says, "lest he make the heart of his fellows melt like his own." (Deut. 20:8)  If I am afraid, it makes my husband afraid, my children afraid...we all affect one another.  If I am confident in the Lord and show my trust in Him, then they trust in Him, too. 

I think when we think of fear, we think of big things like, I don't know, fear of an earthquake, or something huge like that, but that is too obvious.  Satan will try to paralyze us with the little fears or for me, a strange pattern of thinking that was based on something seemingly unimportant, a little incident that became a foothold for me for a long time ago.  We need to ask God to reveal to us what those footholds are so that we can conquer them one at a time.  It's a victory God wants us to win.  I can see now why He would tell the fearful and fainthearted to turn back.  You're really good for nothing in His army if you are stuck in that way of thinking.  He needs people who trust in Him - 100%.  In the big things for sure, but more importantly, in the small things.