I Need a Shepherd

It comes down to this - will I trust God to defend me?  I don't know if I've written about this yet, can't remember, but we've had our first wine delivery disaster.  We shipped with UPS to a customer outside Toronto and not only did they lose an entire case (read: stole), but they also broke 3 bottles, repackaged the remaining bottles into a old grocery store box with some scrunched up paper and made it look like that's how we ship bottles.  AWFUL.  The customer thinks we have no idea how to ship wine and it looks like we don't know how to fulfill orders.

But then I read about Mary this morning and how she was wrongly accused.  She was found to be pregnant before she was married and Joseph had decided to divorce her quietly.  No one believed what she said had happened, i.e., the angel appearing to her.  It seemed too far-fetched.  But in the Bible study I read, it simply said she had to trust God to vindicate her.  She had to trust Him to come to her defense.  I am in a situation where I must do the same.  I want to explain away what happened.  I want to make sure everyone knows, "It wasn't us!"  "We do know how to ship wine!"  But all I can do is deliver it by myself, apologize for the terrible mistake and hope for the best.  I truly have to leave it in God's hands, so that was a good reminder to me.

Mary also probably second-guessed to herself many times, "Did I really see an angel?"  No doubt there were times when her mind was full of questions, but God doesn't leave her there.  He sent shepherds.  Shepherds came and told her, they, too, had seen angels and that they knew she had just delivered the Son of God.  The Star, the shepherds, the angels....if anyone was doubting, God put all their doubts to rest.  That's what I pray all the time - just send me some encouragement, Lord.  Send someone to reassure me, whenever doubts enter my mind.

My son was full of hope this week - he has now heard from two schools out east.  He had hoped so badly to hear that he had an interview out there, but now, two for two, it's a no go.  But, back to Mary.  We heard a sermon this past week about her as well.  The pastor was talking about Mary and her plans.  She had so many plans.  She was going to marry Joseph.  She was in the exciting betrothal stage.  Yet her plans were completely upset and that was his point.  We all have plans.  He went on to say that sometimes our plans are pleasant, perplexing or painful.  Well, that just about nails it.  My son sure had plans.  He had moved out east in his mind.  I had moved with him.  I had pictured the drive out there with him, dropping him off.  I was so excited for him.  I knew he was going there.  I had enough faith for him, myself and every med student they were going to interveiw.  I knew he was going to get in.  But he didn't.  As the schools get checked off, one by one, his hope is fading.  But the pastor didn't leave us in despair.  He told us about how Mary responded.  "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be according to your word."  Ok, here's my translation, "Behold, no way, I am NOT the servant of the Lord, too angry and sad.  Let it be to me and my son according to MY word."  I should be struck down just for writing it.  I sat there in the pew on Sunday and the pastor had the nerve to read my mind and my son's.  He said, "Maybe you are waiting to get into a school...."  What?!  How did he know?!  He went on and said that we have to have the same response as Mary.  Fighting words.  Calm down.  We are supposed to think to ourselves when our plans get interrupted, "I am the servant of the Lord.  Whatever you do, I know your plans for me are good.  Let it be to me......." just like Mary.  As I sat in the pew that day it was easy to say because I knew he was getting in, so of course I could say, "Sure!  Let it be to me, let it be to my son, according to your word..."  No problem.  I even turned to my son when the sermon was over, "You have to be able to say that this week when you hear."  He knew.  He thought the same thing.  But the whole time we waited, I anticipated how he was going to tell me how he had the interview.  Then, on Monday morning - he heard - no interview.  It is SO different to know how to react and then to actually be put to the test.  However, the sermon did help.  The sermon did allow both of us to read the email and just calmly go on with our day.  By faith, though we were soooooo disappointed, there was this reminder that all God's plans our good.  But right about now I could use a shepherd to remind me of that.  Send a shepherd!  To me, to my son.  

So that's been the week - amongst a thousand other things - I will keep hoping for my son and one day we'll understand why going out east wasn't right.  We have to trust God and not yell at him.  Faith is kind of exciting when you can stand back and be objective, but that takes a lot of faith muscle to do that.  I guess I'll just have to keep working out my faith muscles.

"The Jonas Manifesto" and "The War Measures Act"

I normally don't write my children's names in the post, but this time I just have to.  We are currently in the middle of writing "The Jonas Manifesto".  My husband put it this way yesterday, "We are invoking The War Measures Act" on him.  Everyone who meets Jonas loves Jonas.  He's amazing.  He's full of life and lives it to the fullest - every single second of the day he's moving, talking, living life to the absolute fullest and everyone sees this.  This is what they love about him.  However, this constant living to the fullest has a downside as we long for him to live life to the fullest for the glory of God, not for the glory of Jonas, thus, The War Measures Act.  

With the other children we never had to invoke such measures - they typically listened to correction, rebuke and training in righteousness.  This guy isn't quite the same.  He seems to think he is in charge most days, in charge of me, in charge of his siblings (and I don't mean the 9 year old - I mean the 23, 22, 20, 17, 15 and 13 year olds....)  He actually bosses them all around and expects them to listen to him.  On any given day he'll basically attempt to tell me how he thinks his day should and will go.  If it doesn't go according to his plan, well...that's a problem.

So I pray and I pray.  Every day I start a new day, asking the Lord for help, wisdom, patience.  We all love him so much and our family wouldn't be the same without him as the life he brings to our family is amazing!  I don't want him to change, I just want him to conform to the will of God, to my authority, to be the best Jonas he can be.  It's kind of like training a tsunami to go the other way.  Not really that easy and quite unnatural to him.

As I trust God for his life, a unique opportunity has shown itself.  If I were a celebrity parent I would send my child to boarding school to "get fixed".  My husband and I have joked that it's an option, but I know that would kill him.  I'll NEVER do that.  I won't even send him to a Christian school down the street.  That would kill him, too.  I am so determined to be beside this boy as much as I can - he can hardly stand it.  The opportunity that has shown up is like a school, in the form of a co-op.  I typically don't do co-ops.  In fact, I don't really like them, but this one seems different.  It's not free -eeek, but maybe that's why it works because you're invested.  A few families from church have started homeschooling and they are homeschooling hard core.  I have always homeschooled hard core, too, but with a waaaay more relaxed hardcoredness (new word?).  I've avoided this type of learning on purpose for years and have done fine.  My older kids prove to me, whatever we did seemed to work.  But this younger set are not the same and now that's it's basically just me and the younger 3, it seems like something has to change.  If I can scrape some extra cash together, I'm considering this co-op for January. 

My husband was totally against it.  I knew he would be so I've been slowly talking about it for awhile now, but then yesterday I explained to him how my son is needing more discipline within the home, more order, more authority and how this outside source could be just the thing we need.  What I love about it is that I'm still the main teacher, I'm still at the co-op, I don't drop him off.  That, in fact, is what he would prefer - to be dropped off, but he will not be getting his way.  As I described this need to my hsuband yesterday, he suddenly got it.  We need to write "The Jonas Manifesto", he said.  We need to invoke "The War Measures Act" on him, he said.  And this will be part of the plan, Lord willing.  January typically represents a new start, a new year, a new everything.  By being involved with this new group, he'll be obligated to not be the same child he was the year before.  He'll have new standards to reach, new goals, new friends, new authorities, new ways of learning, new location (once a week).  It could be just what he needs.  The manifesto isn't in writing yet - but it just may be, we'll see if we actually put it into words.  Not a bad idea.

As I was reading in Scripture yesterday when he was still sleeping, I read about David and how he ate the holy bread when he was running from Saul.  One of Saul's bad guys saw him do this and ran and told Saul.  Saul then called all the priests, 85 of them, and had them killed for doing this.  David found out that Doeg had told on him and said (and I'm paraphrasing here), "I knew it!  When I saw him, I thought he would go and tell Saul.  It's my fault these priests were killed.  It's on me."  Now that might not sound like a passage related to me at all, but I actually felt like it was speaking to me.  David was responsible for the killing of 85 priests.  He made them give him the bread when he really wasn't supposed to eat it.  Here's the thing, he knew something bad might happen yet he continued on doing what he knew would get him in trouble, or the priests, and he kept on doing what was wrong.  Ok - fast forward to me.  I have a situation with my son.  I'm seeing patterns I don't love in his life.  If I keep doing what I'm doing and don't change things, I will ultimately be responsible especially if I knew things needed to change.  Perhaps a bit of a stretch, but it spoke to me.

A few verses later, David is still running from Saul and he gets stuck in a town "with gates and bars".  He inquired of the Lord what he should do because he heard that Saul was coming to get him.  Two times the Lord says, "Yes they're coming and yes they are going to surrender you".  David runs for his life with 600 men and flees and is saved.  Again, I heard God talking to me about my son.  Like David, I found myself thinking about my own situation.  Gates and bars.  I don't want my son to feel like he's stuck in selfish behaviour.  I don't want him to be stuck.  If I keep doing what I'm doing, will things go well?  Do I need to change how things are going?  I felt like it was God saying, "Do something.  Run."

Joining a co-op is the LAST thing I thought I would ever do, but that is sometimes how you know it's a good thing.  He is RESISTANT.  I love that.  It's also how you know it's a good thing, because he DOESN'T want to do it.  But I shared these verses with the kids.  I think I even got them a little excited.  They just need a vision of victory and just because they are the last ones to attend my little homeschool doesn't mean I have to fade out, why not end on a awesome note, on a high note?  No need to fade into oblivion.  I have to keep going!  I can't stop or get tired.  

I tried to avoid talking to the other co-op moms.  I didn't go to their meetings.  I refused to engage.  But one after another, I keep coming into contact with them.  One mom just kept bringing it up, every time I met her.  She started suggesting it and tried to convince me about how much I would love it.  Then another mom did.  Then another mom and another mom.  Then the emails started flowing back and forth.  Then the passages of Scripture, and then finally my husband declared the "Manifesto" and the "WMA" - it almost seemed done and I hadn't even signed any papers or paid any tuition.  I prayed with the kids about it.  Now I'm just waiting for the leader of our family to figure out a way to pay, lol, and then we'll start in January.  

It all goes back to Jonas.  I am so glad God gave him to me.  He has humbled me so much.  He has made me rely on God in a way I never did before.  There is a greatness in him and it is my job as his mom to bring it in him, not to squash him.  I am excited because I feel in a way that God has shown me so clearly to not give up, but to press on.  Giving up is not an option.  Boarding school, not an option.  Allowing him to be in charge, not an option.  He wants to be trained, sort of.  He just needs some pressure on him.  I told him it's the way a diamond is made - under pressure.  This co-op brings the best of both - an outside source of authority with me right there.  I'm excited to see the man he will become.

A Good Day

Up ridiculously early today - not on purpose.  After a while, I give up, come downstairs, have my coffee, read the news, workout and today I'll write and read, all well before there is movement upstairs.

Yesterday was a great day.  There are so many ups and downs in life that is nice to write about just the "ups" sometimes.  First of all, I cannot say enough how impressed I am with my nearly 18 year old daughter.  This is such a shout out to the power of God as I honestly wasn't sure how things were going to go with her once she started college - would she do well?  would it be a struggle?  I didn't know.  This girl had some pretty serious health struggles for a loooong time which left her feeling awful and really unable to do school most days.  She would attempt, but always fell behind.  I knew she was a great writer though and very mature her whole life, so I knew once we could get her health back on track, which we did by God's grace, she could pick up the pace and hopefully be ok.

So that's what we did.  She got healthy and went at it at school, graduated last year and now is in her first year of business at Niagara College.  She is excelling and has become a peer tutor for 3 of her classes!  Yesterday she had her first tutoring session.  She was so nervous, so I prayed for her while she was upstairs online with the student.  It went so well!  She met this other student through the college and was able to easily help her with her struggles.  It turns out she is from Mexico and really doesn't understand the retail world up in Canada so the assignments made no sense to her.  After it was finished the girl asked if my daughter was Catholic or a Christian as she follows her on instagram and noticed all the posts she made were related to church or worship nights, etc.  She is Catholic and is looking for a church, so my daughter immediately invited her to our church!  It was such a neat moment!

As soon as she got off the computer she saw a message from my son-in-law-to-be asking the young adults if anyone wanted some extra cash by doing janitorial work for the church - she immediately responded yes and then came downstairs to tell me about it.  My next immediate thought was to see if my 15 year old son could help out with her.  So she asked and hopefully this will work out.  Now, once again, this might not seem like a big deal - BUT IT IS.  My 15 year old has been watching how all his older siblings are making money, even his younger 13 year old sister who now babysits every day, and he is broke.  He would apply for work except covid has knocked all his social confidence out of him and he isn't sure that he would feel comfortable in an environment that is new.  Even so, we are always hesitant with part-time work because of negative influences, etc.  so what else could I do, but pray, and on Friday I prayed and prayed for him.  My daughter has also been praying for work that is "safe" and was given this AMAZING opportunity, literally from heaven, to sanitize an office near us twice a week - so many opportunities literally dropped into my kids' laps.  But the office sanitizing job wasn't enough money for her so to get this other janitorial job might be just the thing.  AND if it works out that my son can go with her, it solves all my concerns about putting him in a safe place, literally a church, with my daughter (kind of fun to work with a sibling), plus I don't have to drive as she now has her license (another miracle), it's only part time so won't impact his or her schooling - I just couldn't believe it.  So I pray this will work out.

And that was all before noon.  Meanwhile, I was supposed to be getting together with a few young moms for the Bible Study I hold with them.  It has been so inconsistent because so many viruses have been going around week after week.  So we had to cancel again yesterday.  I got a text from one of the moms who seemed unusually upset about her day and how she has been struggling with homeschooling and life.  I thought I should probably try to reach out to her to see her in person, but then I thought, no I'll just call her.  I had barely dialed her number when she answered the phone crying.  The poor woman!  I was so glad I called!  It turned out to be one of those pep talks to pick her up that was apparently just what she needed.  I praised God for the timing.

After this I went home to prep for dinner - for the first time in months we were having multiple families over for a Taco Tuesday meal.  I wasn't prepared how great it felt to be with others again.  We've had family over and individuals, but not large groups and it was awesome.  At the end of the night, we all just sat together and talked about how wonderful it was.  That was when my oldest son shared a really neat thing he had read.  He is in the middle of the longest waiting game of his life so far - waiting for rejection from all the medical schools he's applied to.  I wish I could write "acceptance", but he just feels so hopeless at times as the stats are against him.  However, I always encourage him to stay hope-Full.  So this week when he was feeling so down again, I just told him to keep surrendering, to keep praying, to attempt a fast, to trust God, to cry out to Him.....I saw him head down with the "giving up" look and just committed to him to prayer all day yesterday.  God showed up, as He always does, in such a neat way.  Without me knowing. my son did cry out, he did pray, he got into the Word -he'd been reading in Esther - and he came to this passage where Esther didn't know what to do as she and her people were going to be killed.  After fasting, she summoned up her nerve to stand before the king, trusting the he would not kill her because she hadn't been asked to come see him - this was against the law.  At that point the king held out his royal scepter and she was allowed access to his inner court.  My son, too, had fasted that day, and when he read this he felt like it was a direct encouragement to him.  Not unlike Esther, he, too, is outside the inner court of medical schools.  He feels as hopeless as she did that he can do anything to get in.  Yet, he has done all he can do to be faithful to what he's been shown to do and his prayer became yesterday that God would extend the royal scepter to him just as it was to Esther - "And when the king saw Queen Esther standing in the court, she won favor in his sight, and he held out to Esther the golden scepter that was in his hand."  I actually found that so powerful.  I was so encouraged for him as he felt like that was just for him.  How I pray he will be accepted and not rejected.

All of this - in just one day.

Furnaces, Gas Lines, Vehicles - Status: Grateful

What a week.  What a weekend.  Talk about superhero husband.  He continues to amaze me.  I'll explain....For the whole time we've lived here - over 10 years, we've been on oil as a source of fuel.  This is just plain expensive.  The numbers, if I dared to print them out, to heat our house, would blow you out of the water - we could heat all of Antarctica.  However, switching to gas would also blow your mind, so alas, year after year, we swallowed the pain, and paid the bill, barely, and pressed on.  Then, last year, our oil tank was condemned.  The oil company took a look at the tank and it had some rust on the bottom and they said, no more.  We won't fill it.  So we were left with a choice - replace the oil tank with a very expensive new one or switch to gas, also very expensive.  For the remainder of the heating season and up until recently, we had to top up the tank on our own with diesel from the gas station - also a very expensive makeshift option which meant the older boys running off to the gas station all the time, then putting it in in the dead of winter with howling winds, then RM would have to go downstairs and restart the furnace, which is also no fun, nearly every single time - obviously not sustainable and miserable for everyone.  How I prayed.

Enter in the new neighbour, R.  

R works for the gas company and as a young guy with lots of energy and great ideas and a low tolerance for paying oil bills, he rallied the neighbours nearest to him and easily convinced all of us to chip in a manageable amount to put in a gas line all the way up the street.  The gas line went in a few weeks ago, the beginning of turning our heating life around.  Then this past weekend, our new furnace went in - glory to God!  With a new thermostat!  Why is that exciting?!  Because even that stopped working - I swear - our whole house should be condemned.  But we couldn't put in a new thermostat knowing we were about to get one, so we had to wait and manually turn the heat on and off each time by connecting wires, oh my goodness.  It was a joke.

After the guys were here installing the furnace and the heat turned on ALL BY ITSELF without any boys putting in fuel and without anyone touching the wires together at the thermostat, we all just sat around and said, "Listen to the vents!  They're working!  It's a whole new house!  The air feels new!  Warmer!  Cleaner!"  It was pretty sad how excited we were about the heat in our house.  But this is the deal and this is why I am sure we had to go through that - so we will NEVER take heat for granted ever.  I also always tell the kids that I'm sorry they had to go through that difficult season of being cold, delivering gas (which they did time after time without EVER complaining - they are saints, I swear) and going without heat for a few hours if we ran out of diesel fuel (boo hoo - we all survived a few hours here and there), BUT God allowed it in our lives and this is why - so they'll all have stories and memories to tell their kids.  They'll never grow up and not realize where their heat comes from - they know!  They'll be sitting with their new wife or husband and the heat will come on and they'll say, "Look, honey, the furnace works!  I LOVE our new thermostat!"  It'll be so funny - they're spouse will say, "Uh, yeah, of course, what's the big deal - everyone has heat and a thermostat...."  and that's when my kids will tell their super exciting story of the day they got a new furnace and how they had to go without for a few months.....a great story!

But why is RM the hero?  Because as usual, it takes a lot of coordination.  Gas men don't just show up.  It's a lot of work to get all that together and for ONCE he didn't have to be the one installing it, praise God.  But, he still got stuck doing work.  The whole time the gas guys were here, he was under not one car, but two!  Yes, our used car lot of cars is slowly getting fixed....could it be that the ruins are being rebuilt?  I pray.

So he fixed my daughter's car - wow, that was a HUGE deal and saved her thousands - and the next day, he literally fixed the brakes on the truck - saving us hundreds.  I don't know how he does it, honestly.

The fix on my daughter's car was only temporary, however - another light turned up right away on her car, this time my husband had run out of time.  He actually has to do his job!  So ironically we had to take it in to a mechanic for that light, but it'll save time and money in the long run, but again, a lot of know-how and coordination to get even that pulled together.  Even last week, when the sump pump failed, he knew what to do and had it fixed ASAP.  Which, when you look back, is awesome timing.  We didn't know the whole gas line/furnace event was going to happen this past weekend.  It's fantastic that the sump pump failed when it did.  I'm so glad that was taken care of and that there was no flood when the gas guys came.  

I wish I had all that money that we spent on the furnace, gas line, sump pump, brakes, and car alternator to do something that would make my house a little more aesthetically pleasing as no one is going to ever comment on how amazing our gas line and new furnace is YET these are the foundational, essential things that had to be fixed and so I'm grateful that we are rebuilding from the inside out.  To go ahead and do superficial fixing would just be dumb and I know that God knows where our house is sick and He is literally forcing us to fix things in His timing, so I'm actually quite grateful for the order it is happening.  On the list of foundational, not aesthetically pleasing list, are things that again, no one will say, "Wow!" to, such as our roof and eavestroughs, but if we don't fix those soon, our house is going to be rotten as there are leaks affecting all parts of the house, but I'm ok with getting things like that done as they'll save our house in the long run.

Through it all, I'm grateful to God for a husband who knows what to do, how to coordinate it all, and is willing to work in really unforgiving cold, under cars while he aches, in order to get his children in vehicles driving to where they need to go.  As in social media where you click on your status, mine would be "grateful".

Tasmanian Devils and Sump Pumps

This week I wrote a devotional for our homeschool group called "Raising Tasmanian Devils".  I laughed at I wrote it almost all the way through as I'm not talking about the actual animal from Tasmania, but instead I'm talking about my two youngest boys who remind me of the Tasmanian Devil from Bugs Bunny.  I would be worried if I didn't have 6 older children who have somehow made it to the 13+ stage, so I actually think there might be hope for these two.

The reason I got to thinking about this was because of my 13 year old daughter who came complaining to me the other night about school.  I was dismissing her at first as everyone hates school it seems at some point, but then I realized I had heard all these complaints before by the older kids and somehow they had worked through it and gotten down to work and done really well.  This led me to thinking about how I should write something to encourage the other homeschool moms to press on as even though it seems like they'll never get past the "Tasmanian Devil" stage, which my younger two are currently in, or perhaps the other moms are worried that their kids will always stay in the "I hate school stage", these children we all have in our care will eventually, somehow, miraculously survive and get to the next stage of possibly even adulthood.

I will have 4 adults in the home as of a month from now and each one went through the "I hate math and science" stage or at least the "I don't know how to organize my time" stage - none of them were ever in the "Tasmanian Devil" stage - this is new for me to be raising livestock indoors, but because of these older ones, I remain hopeful that they'll make it!

The 13 year old was offered a part time job this week.  She was asked to babysit each morning.  Christmas is coming and she wanted to make some money, but I wanted her to do school.  So I made a deal with her, if she promised to do her school in the afternoon or evening then she could do it, so she is currently on probation.  Well, after day 1, she came home and got her books and did her school right away!  I was impressed.  It was partly because of the talk we had after she said how much she hated school.  I told her it's fine to hate school and I told her to journal about it and tell God how much she hated it and why she hated it, but then I told her to also write that she is sorry for hating it and to confess that perhaps she is struggling with laziness and diligence and that she needs His help.  I told her to write all this down and then to ask for His help and then to determine to be more diligent and to make a schedule, etc., etc, all in the name of turning over a new leaf in becoming more mature and responsible.  In just a few days I'm already seeing this.  And I've seen this now in all the older kids as well so I know she can do it.

My Tasmanian Devils are something else.  When #7 was born and he was a boy, I was hoping we would have another boy just so that he would have a brother.  Well, guess what - we got another boy and now I see how this was and is so amazing - they are two peas in a pod.  They are each other's best friends.  They go everywhere together.  They have all the same interests.  They speak their own secret codes and they have write their own secret notes to each other - HOWEVER - they both get into all the same trouble together and are very good at getting out of school.  Each time it happens, besides the obvious frustration, there is a little part of me that loves it so much as it is so adorable in its Dennis the Menace kind of way, or Calvin and Hobbes kind of way - they are just always up to so much mischief and it makes my day quite humourous, if it weren't so maddening.  BUT, my encouragement to the moms was that I know I only have a couple more years before the 11 year old comes to me and is suddenly hit by the fact he's going to be a teen and that means he's going to be an adult and that means he's going to have to get a job and maybe a car and a house and a wife and then what will he do if he only knows how to play all day......ahhhhhhh!!!  That's what has happened to all my older kids as they've suddenly all been hit by reality at some point - THEY CAN'T PLAY ALL DAY FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!  But Calvin and Hobbes haven't realized that yet, so I'm enjoying this play all day stage as it's almost over.  We get in enough school to survive.  They can all read and write, add and subtract, multiply and divide, so I know they're good.  They'll be hit in a very short time by reality, so in the meantime I don't need to panic like I used to.  I recognize I've written this kind of thing before, but it just keeps hitting me as time is flying so fast and everyone is getting older so quickly.

A quick thing to be grateful for - yesterday we woke up with a small flood in our basement - the sump pump stopped working.  But, RM was home, quickly went out - picked up another one - installed it, problem solved.  If I were negatively focused I could complain about "another problem" or how expensive it was or "here we go again", but I was reminded yesterday to try to make it through the day with looking at things with gratitude - one small thing at a time - and that made all the difference.  My husband was home, knew how to fix it, some money had come in to pay for it, there was little damage, flood was fixed almost immediately, not in the middle of winter.....etc. etc...so it really is all about perspective.  There is no other way to look at life - a quick change in perspective and life is good.

Thanks Ruth, Naomi and Boaz

As I said before, reading Ruth this time is so interesting as I can relate to so many parts of the book just because of living on the farm.

When Ruth arrived in Bethlehem it was the beginning of barley harvest.  When I started reading that we were in the beginning of grape harvest.  Just the word "beginning" is interesting as that implies there might be a longer process to it - including a middle and then, of course, an end.  It is never a simple process over here either.  Some of our grapes took one day, others took a series of days, not including all the processing.

Boaz was the farmer/owner of the field.  He must have done well as he had servants working for him.  He had noticed Ruth and asked on of the reapers who she was.  He told him she had come back with Naomi and had asked to glean and "she has continued from early morning until now, except for a short rest."  Seems like something unimportant except that I know these are traits my husband appreciates in his help.  He is so grateful to our kids that when he needs them on board, they all seem to step up.  They work from early morning and really only stop for a "short rest" here and there.  During our grape harvest everyone was working very hard.  That kind of work is just understood for all farmers - harvest is an incredibly intense time and everyone does it because they know it isn't forever.

Ruth wasn't doing anything for show or to get recognized, but she was noticed and her kind reputation went before her.  "Why have I found favour in your eyes that you should take notice of me, since I am a foreigner?"  It was only because he had heard about her, "All that you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband has been fully told to me, and how you left your father and mother and your native land and came to a a people that you did not know before."  I found this also so encouraging as there were many hours I spent in the vines, or even this summer in the garden, or at a washing machine or sink......it seems sometimes like no one knows or appreciates the sacrifices made, yet, Boaz went on and told her, "The Lord repay you for what you have done, and a full reward be given you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge!"  Ruth was comforted, as was I, by these words and said, "I have found favour in your eyes, my lord, for you have comforted me and spoken kindly to our servant...."  It was a reminder to me that I am seen, God knows any sacrifice made.  To know it really is God who will repay or reward, though I'm not seeking that.  It was a great reminder to keep seeking refuge under His wings, that living a life for God is a place of refuge.  I have found favour.  He favours me.  

Our pastor said this week, light always comes after darkness and Ruth experienced tremendous darkness, yet remained faithful.  Her time of darkness was nearly up and she didn't even know it.  However, it wasn't with a snap of the fingers.  She had to keep gleaning among the reapers.  And, just like with the grape harvest, it wasn't just a matter of picking the grain, after she was done doing this in the evening, she still had to "beat out what he had gleaned".  This was super interesting to me and I could relate so well to this.  We harvested all the grapes and then even though it was supposedly all done, it wasn't.  We had to go several more hours into the evening to destem and press it all out.  It isn't enough to harvest the grapes, they had to be dealt with.  Same with Ruth.  It wasn't enough to glean the grain, they had to be beat out.  She must have been tired!  Talk about long days.  I'm sure she wished it would end, that her days would be easier.  Did she have a happy heart while she did it, or was she grumbling the whole time.  I'm sure she wasn't grumbling.

Finally, one of my favourite parts of the story which always seemed strange to me was when Ruth went to sleep at the feet of Boaz, on the threshing floor.  But now I get it.  Why was the man sleeping on a threshing floor?  I know why.  It wasn't because he had no home or that he was poor.  Quite the opposite - he was a wealthy man, but a BUSY man - classic farmer.  He had no time to go all the way to his cozy bed for sleep.  He worked probably until late at night and then fell asleep on the floor.  No doubt Naomi knew this and told Ruth - this is where you'll find Boaz - on the floor in the barn.  And that's kind of what it has been like around here.  Where's Dad?  In the "winery/cellar room".  Late at night.  We almost need to put a bed in there.  At one point when all the grapes were coming in, I knew if I wanted to speak to him, I needed to head out to the shop.  Scripture just gets it, gets my life, and makes me feel less strange.  So thank you, Ruth, Naomi and Boaz for understanding me.

We are now currently in a marketing blitz, trying to unload all the wine in time for Christmas.  Will we manage to do it?  Can we somehow sell it all before the next vintage comes in?  I sure hope so.  The only problem continues to be the same problem it always has been - just need to somehow multiply my husband into ten husbands.  But because that isn't a possibility yet, I help by being his salesperson, which relieves him a bit and then I pray for strength for him all day every day.  And we take one step at at time, one day at a time.  And trust that God is in control of everything.

We did reach out to our friends who are home/garden designers/planners.  We hope they'll make it out here within the month to help us have an overall plan for the property at some point.  Even if it takes years to complete on our own, at least it'll one day look more cohesive than it currently does!  

As Christmas approaches, we've made a few changes this year.  It looks like the kids will just pick names for one another and then try and work within a budget.  That way everyone gets a little something or some "things" and it's exciting to look forward to and it doesn't have to stress me out shopping for everyone, although I'll be taking the little guys out I guess to help them.  The older kids have their own money, mostly.  It certainly makes for a calmer Christmas.

Well, off I go to continue my sales and marketing job.

Don't Call Me Mara

I slowly but surely have moved into the book of Ruth.  I could never be one of those people who read the Bible in a year.  Not because I don't try to read every day, but because I'll often sit in a book, a verse, or a chapter for a really long time, just reading a few verses at a time, never a prescribed reading plan.  But I get so much more out of Scripture this way.  

I never know what will be revealed to me, but as I started reading this short book I was amazed at all that I have learned that I never would have learned had I read this a few years ago.  It starts off sad as Naomi loses her husband and then ten years later loses her sons, too.  Ten years is an interesting number.  I've come across that number a few times in the last few weeks - it's been ten years since we moved into this farmhouse, it's been ten years since our church got started, and we are currently in a series at church in Philippians that followed a church that was around for about ten years.  And then, in ten years all those sad things happened to Naomi and her daughters-in-law.   I started to pay attention a little more to the storyline in the book just because of that.

In our church so many new things are happening that are so good - though we lost several pastors, so many new things are happening, including a new senior pastor, a new young adults/youth pastor (my future son-in-law!), new worship teams rising up because of the lack of a worship pastor, new ministries (including Bible Quizzing with other church families that we are heading up)....it feels like we are on the verge of something new and exciting and it is fun to be a part of.  

In our life, we have had a full ten years, babies have been born, children have been raised and are starting to get launched, houses have been continually renovated (though that has stopped for several years because of other new things that have started!), new businesses have begun - yet it has been hard - could we possibly be on the verge of new things, too?  Is it possible that a time of peace is coming after so many years of "hard"?  Or is it possible that maybe it isn't going to change, but we'll just be better prepared for the next ten years of "hard"?  I hate to get my expectations up, however, hope is the cornerstone of our faith so I do hope, not for a life of ease, even Scripture says that isn't going to ever happen this side of heaven and that we shouldn't be surprised by our trials...but, I do still hope - just in general - for whatever hope brings.

As the story goes, Naomi gave her in-laws the option to stay or go and one stayed and one left.  Ruth stuck with her and they decided to go back to Bethlehem where Naomi was originally from.  As she enters town the women start talking wondering if it is her and ask, "Is this Naomi?"  But she answered them, “Do not call me Naomi;[a] call me Mara,[b] for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. 21 I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?”  I had never noticed this before, how incredibly miserable Naomi was and I'm not sure if it's because I'm a "cup is half full" kind of person, but it seemed a little "I'm feeling sorry for myself" kind of reaction.  I know it is never nice to try and tell a depressed person, "You have so many reasons to be grateful!"  when they are down.  However, I don't think it is healthy to stay in a depressed state.  There are some who kind of seem to enjoy the pity they get from others.  I'm not sure if this is the case with Naomi, but she certainly made it clear her life was hard.  She mentions it over and over in different ways. 

 "Call me Mara", she says, which right away tells you something - I'm bitter - the literal meaning of her name.  She changes her name so everyone knows how miserable she is, or literally bitter.  We are not supposed to let bitterness take root in our lives, yet this is exactly what she does.  Next she says, "the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me".  So if you didn't know the meaning of her name, now you do.  She almost seems mad.  God did this to me.  But just in case you missed that she says, "I went away full, and the Almighty has brought calamity on me".  Yes, she experienced loss, no one can deny that, but is she as empty as she thinks?  She has Ruth!  Her own daughter-in-law chose to stay with her and said, "For where you will I go I will go and where you lodge I will lodge.  Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.  Where you die, I will die and there I will be buried."  That is commitment!  Naomi is not empty!  Naomi also traveled back to her hometown where no doubt old friends lived and even some family, including Boaz.  She was back where she was comfortable, but her bitterness wouldn't allow her to see that.  She says another time, still going on about her awful life, "the Lord has testified against me AND the Almighty has brought calamity upon me" - she just won't stop.  I'm sure there were women in Bethlehem listening to her and they were also thinking, "I also lost a husband" or "we've also suffered", or "you aren't the only one who has had a hard time".  Isn't that just life sometimes?  But when you are in a place of bitterness, that's how it goes, you can only see bitterness.  It's nearly impossible to see any good and this is where Naomi is, though she has so much to be grateful for, she can't see it.

There's a funny movie the kids like called Meet the Robinsons.  This movie is so interesting as there is a character who experiences a traumatic event (missing an important catch in a baseball game!) and he blames his scientific roommate who kept him up all night the night before the game doing an experiment.  He becomes bitter about this his whole life and when he retells the story later on in the movie he says how everyone "hated me" in school growing up, but in the actual real life scene, it shows all the kids not saying that at all, but instead they were saying, "Hey!  Want to come over today?" or "I really like your new binder!"  But he was so tainted by bitterness that he heard, "We hate you!"  when they never said that at all!  I kind of see this in Naomi - so tainted by bitterness towards, I can only assume God, that she can no longer see any of the good in her life.  Big warning to me and anyone else about the dangers of bitterness.

YET.....God is amazing and doesn't let her stay in that place and this is where the grace of God doesn't give us what we deserve - ever.  He blessed her despite her bitterness and was kind to her, turning her very dark time into an incredible love story.  One of the best parts of this book that I had never paid attention to before were the words, "And they came to Bethelehem at the beginning of barley harvest".  This meant more to me than ever before as I knew it meant she had miraculously arrived at at time of provision.  She would be able to have food because people were harvesting!  I know what that means!  And, miraculously, it meant Ruth would be able to work and make some income for them or at least they would have some form of provision.  This is amazing and would have been lost on me any other time I've read it.

There are many more lessons from Ruth - but to start - it seems bitterness is a common problem with women so the warning is obvious to not let bitterness take root.  As an outsider, I was easily and quickly able to see without even thinking too much about it all the good things in Naomi's life, so a quick note to myself was to try to do the same.  Treat myself as an outsider looking in at my life and instead of seeing all the things that are wrong with it and all the things that bother me, try to look at my life and quickly see all the good, as there is so much good.  It is a reminder of how easy it is to see the negative.  I've been thinking about the phrase, "Call me Mara" - she's basically walking around saying "Call me Angry, Bitter Lady".  I don't want that to be what I do, but sometimes I do it subtly in a passive way, complaining to whoever will hear me.  In a way that is exactly what I'm doing.  I'm basically saying, "Call me Mara!"  That is bad and a pattern I don't want my girls, or my sons, to fall into.

Poor Naomi.  I didn't mean to make a lesson out of her sad life.  She probably wouldn't appreciate that too much, but I'm at least grateful for her honesty.  She didn't pretend life was perfect.  She said it like it was - hard.  I think that is ok to be honest.  My life is hard sometimes.  Not really compared to most women.  I have it pretty good, pretty great in fact!  But to me, sometimes it appears hard.  I think I can be honest that it isn't a walk in the park, but I think the wrong thing is to go on and on about that and to only complain instead of looking, or at least trying, to see the positives.  I'm sure that is why God allowed this story to be in the Bible - just for all of us women who tend to sit there in our negative, complaining puddles, enjoying the pitiful thoughts, succumbing to them again and again.  This book is a wake up call to stop them as soon as they start.

Here's a silly example, that make this super practical for me - 

My dishwasher is broken - bitter feelings start......OR....I thank God for the opportunity to teach my kids what most people in the world do - wash dishes by hand!  We have a source of hot water!  A beautiful view to look at!  Work ethic being taught!  Food to eat that made the dishes dirty!  It's way easier to think of the list of things of positives...I've seen how my bitterness is poison to the whole family, particularly my husband.  He wants to move to the corner of a rooftop when I'm bitter.  So I'm learning the way of Naomi, who was probably a happier person than Mara.  I just have to decide each day who I want to be.