He Will Carry Me No Matter What

Not sure how I feel about writing this as it will be the first time some read it and I apologize for that.  Sometimes, the computer is a safer way to communicate as face to face can be more painful and those who know me know that I am a big cry baby in person. 

It appears we are in the middle of losing a baby - I found out I was pregnant just over a week ago.  I immediately ran to get blood work and ultrasounds to make sure this was a viable pregnancy as the older I get the more certain I want to be.  The doctor called yesterday to tell me my hormone levels are dropping - this is never a good thing.  The more pregnant you are the higher they should go with each passing day.  I was shocked and saddened.  So many things run through your mind, so many emotions as you try so hard to not get attached to the baby at first as you know it is a possibility in each pregnancy that you could lose it, but inevitably.....the bonding happens.  I pictured myself pregnant, ready to deliver - I LOVE labour and delivery.  I pictured myself nursing the new baby.  We thought we were done....remember I had given everything away!?  But, apparently not!  Well, then again, maybe we are. 

I know of many women in their 40s who long to be pregnant and continue to have babies.  I didn't think I would have anymore, though I was thrilled to think about the possibility and perhaps deep down hoped it would happen.  When I was late, I didn't dare hope, but then as more and more time went by, I started to wonder and the possibility of being pregnant got me so excited!  When the test was positive, and I mean really positive - a set of two blazing red lines - I couldn't believe it!  We were stunned and wondered immediately if this was what Abraham and Sarah felt!  We are old enough to be grandparents, not new parents!  After the shock, we settled into the idea really quickly and that's when the bonding started. 

We waited a few days to tell the kids, but I couldn't keep it to myself much longer.  They, too, were thrilled - they all felt 8 kids was a rather small family.  Then, being who I am - a bit of a blabbermouth, I started to leak it out to a few close friends.  I had already told most of the family and they, too, were very supportive.  Sometimes I wonder if I tell people then maybe God will make sure I don't lose the baby!  Wrong thinking, obviously, as you can't play games with God.  Now, I've got some back tracking to do with the people I've told.  I wonder if that is the harder part.

Now, miracles can happen.  I have an ultra sound booked in a week or so, but the doctor is fairly certain it'll just be to confirm the loss and check to see if there is any remaining tissue. 

Pain is what God uses to speak to us.  I don't want pain.  Ravi Zacharias spoke on the radio this week and read a beautiful hymn by a woman whose name I wish I could remember.  Ravi said, "If I told you could write a hymn like this, too, but it'll require the loss of your sight, the worst case of arthritis you could ever get, your body will be eaten alive by cancer and you'll lose both your parents, would you want to write that hymn?  I don't think so."  We don't want pain.  We want to hear from God and have a deeper sense of himself without going through any pain.

I've also been writing about the heroines of Canadian history.  These women are very well known and accomplished amazing things, but the things they suffered, including children, were awful.  I've been kept fairly protected from major levels of pain, yet I often pray for a close walk with God.  Is this how He wants to achieve that in my life?  I am not enjoying the process especially being in the early stages of loss - I know there is more to come and it could get worse, even physically painful.

But at the same time, I will not fight it.  I will accept it.  It is a strange gift from God in a way, but a good gift.

Though it was a sad day yesterday, let me show you how I think God carried me all throughout the day.  It was upon reflection last night that I started to see his hand the whole day.....

I wrote about the power of male friendship and alluded to the power of female friendship, too in yesterday's post.  What an interesting day I had in light of that!

My day started by having two younger moms over with their little children - we talked for a couple hours about everything from homeschooling curriculum to pregnancy and I shared with them what I thought might be happening.  Meanwhile the nurse called to tell me everything was normal with the ultra sound and blood work - great!  The ladies stayed for lunch and we continued our talking - it was a wonderful opportunity to pass on the many things I've learned over the dozen years or so I've homeschooled.  I didn't have a lot of people to do that with when I first started and I now feel a huge responsibility to share with as many young moms as I can what I wish I could do differently or the things I would never change.  I was buoyed up by their enthusiasm just as much. 

I had started the day texting a couple people to pray as I didn't like the symptoms I was experiencing, so I was getting regular encouragement throughout the day just by picking up my cell phone.

As the younger moms were getting ready to go, another mom showed up with her kids for piano lessons. My oldest daughter teaches them each week. We were all able to chat for a bit, which again, I love!  Getting a bunch of moms together who don't know one another is fantastic as you start to feel the Christian fellowship knowing the reason we are all connecting immediately on a deeper level is because we all have the same God in common - hard to explain and it sounds cliche, but you know what I'm talking about.  The two young moms left, leaving behind the piano students and their mom.  Once again, the phone rang in the midst of all this.

This time it was the doctor herself.  That can't be good.  She shared with me the not-so-good-news about my hormone levels going down.  I wasn't able to share with my friend as I wanted to communicate the news to my husband and children first, so I had to put on a happy face and keep the visit uppity!  Inside I was so sad.

But no time for despair, as soon as my piano family started to get ready to leave, another two friends showed up, somewhat unannounced in that I hadn't officially invited them.  I had just told one of them a couple weeks ago that chicks were arriving this week and she was welcome to come by and see them.  She was one of the library ladies, so I didn't know for sure if she would take me up on it as the library girls don't always show up when I invite them!  But there she was and she brought another friend with both of their children.  My goodness, this was a busy day!

We went to look at the chicks.  So cute!  Then we hung out for a bit by the playground while the kids played.  I was still numb, but the conversation was flowing.  Somehow it came up that my youngest sibling and only brother had just gotten married last year to a wonderful girl after many years of being single.  My friend wanted to know why he had finally settled on this one.  What an interesting opening......I was able to share my brother's faith story on how he had come to accept Christ.  I was able to share the gospel with these two women through the telling of my brother's conversion.  Oh my goodness, it was awesome!  The whole time, I'm having to just put it out of my mind that a miscarriage was taking place!  Bizarre!

Then, if that wasn't enough visitors for one day, my in-laws showed up to see the chicks.  We hadn't shared the news with them either as we were waiting till I was farther along.  But it was still a fun time of showing them around.  All the while, my library friends were still there.   And all the while, I'm still getting the odd text from someone just sending me a silent note of encouragement!

Once everyone was gone - it was 5 pm!  What a day!  I was finally able to sit with my husband alone in his office and share what had happened or what we think is happening.  He was sad, but grabbed his Bible and encouraged me that God was even in the pain.  That's when I started to look back on the day.  God hadn't left me alone in a puddle of tears for even a moment that day!

From the minute I woke up, I was surrounded by Godly women, either in person or on the phone.  And when there was an unbeliever present, God was even able to use me to share my faith even at such a low point in my day.  There wasn't one opportunity for me to get down and when I started to feel the pangs of sadness, "Ping!", my cell phone would go off with a word of encouragement.  The Lord carried me all day through what could have been a real rough day if I'd been left to myself.  He knew what I needed that day and so much of it was unplanned.  The young moms were supposed to come last week, but everything got changed to yesterday last minute.  The other two library moms were completely unexpected and I never knew for sure if my in-laws were coming until that afternoon.  It was a great day!

In the end, I'm still hoping for a miracle.  Even the doctor said, nothing is certain at this point, so you never know.  If it is over, I'll be ok.  If it is still a viable pregnancy and there was some mistake, I'll be thrilled.  Looking back over my day yesterday helps me to see that He will carry me no matter what happens.