Loss, Sad but Good (read second)

Life and death.  It is just a natural cycle, isn't it?  Why are we so shocked and saddened when we experience it?  I think it is simply because we are on this side of eternity and until we are on the other side, there will be a hole.  So I am experiencing my first major loss and there is a hole.  One of my children said, "We just lost an Annie."  Annie is a friend of ours who is a 9th child.  We really did lose a child, even if it was just a small one barely registering on the ultrasound, there really was a child there full of potential and a long life, but it wasn't meant to be.  The saddest thing was seeing that the baby is still there, just not living.  Even I could notice the difference from last week's ultrasound, to this week's.  The place where the heart once was was no longer there - it was as if it had been erased.  One friend prayed that the technician would be kind and she was.  She explained everything that she was seeing and that she was sorry.  That actually made me more emotional.  Had she been callous and cold, I probably would have been, too, but in her kindness, she was acknowledging the loss of life, too.  I love that!  I needed that!  It shocks me to read about women who film their own abortions so they can show that it was just tissue.  I'm grateful that it happened early on.  I'm grateful to experience on a small level what some of my friends have experienced.  It helps me understand their pain a little better.  I'm grateful that my children now know about death on a more personal level.  It gave them an opportunity to be kind to me, too.  Just before I left for the ultrasound my two oldest girls came down with an envelope of money.  They gave me the money they had earned on the weekend selling smoothies and told me to not come home before I had gone for a pedicure!  Ok, how to get an already emotional mom more emotional - so sweet, so thoughtful!  It meant so much.

But, like I wrote before, I knew somehow God would carry me.  I laid down when I got home, I was so wiped from all the emotion of the day and the physical loss had seriously begun.  When I got up, I was tempted to do a few things around the house, but didn't.  Shortly after, we were all looking outside, when suddenly a huge RV pulled by a big van pulls up slowly in front of our house.  We couldn't figure out who this could be.  It turns out it was a good friend and her family that decided to come our way after two days of camping.  She knew things hadn't gone how we had hoped and was praying about the ultrasound yesterday, also hoping and praying for a miracle.  They had literally driven out of her way to see how I was and if there was any news.  She also was holding her 9th child and knows what a miracle each one is. She cried with me as I told her there was no heartbeat.  Don't you see?  The arms of God?  Sent once again in female form.  I welcomed their whole family to stay for a visit and once again, I wasn't on my own.  Some cope better in silence, but I like having people around me.  Their whole family stayed for the rest of the afternoon and even had dinner with us.  Somehow between the two moms and the older girls we combined food and there was enough for everyone, even some left over.

Was it a rough day?  Yes and no.  My sister's and brother were in constant contact via the cell phone and I felt their arms around me all day.  I felt their prayers.  My parents were also very supportive and I knew they, too, had been praying for days as well.  How can it be a rough day when so many are caring for you? How can it be a rough day when your toddler doesn't comprehend what has happened and just wants you to CUT THE WATERMELON, MOM!!!!!  Life has to go on and it does so easily here as there is always so much going on.  I like it that way.  God creates distractions for me in a way in the form of little kids, messy houses, loads of laundry.  I walk around, going from task to task and while I do, I pray, I reflect.  It's been a blip in our summer for sure, but I can move on.  My source of strength hasn't changed, never will.  I'll be ok.