Life Goes On

So it is over now.  I'm fairly certain there is no more life inside of me as of last week.  The bleeding has virtually stopped and any other signs of pregnancy are gone, too.  It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It was more the unknown, never having experienced a miscarriage before.  Perhaps it was a little easier to go through because I was so early on.  I sure feel for the women who lose babies later on in their pregnancies.  I'm still so grateful for the whole experience - it has given me a greater appreciation for how blessed I am to have the children that I have.  I have become one of those women who passes by other pregnant women and feels sad and wants to go up to those other women and say, "I hope you know and appreciate that what is inside you is a GIFT!!!  Don't take that baby for granted!"  Don't worry, I won't ever do that, but it does occur to me sometimes!  So, I'm glad that I can understand on a very small scale what an infertile woman must feel when all she sees are pregnant women everywhere, pregnancy test ads, maternity clothes in every store or even movies in  the library about how funny it is to be pregnant - that was me last week - it was all I saw and it always brought on this very sad feeling in me of loss.  And I have 8 kids!!!!  What about the poor woman who can't have one!  So you see, I needed to experience it.  I don't feel like I didn't ever have compassion for those women, I certainly did.  In fact I was a prayer warrior for years for a whole list of women I personally knew who could not conceive.  But it wasn't the same as going through it.  Now that I've walked their road, just a little, on that very small scale of pain, I now have a small taste of what is what like for them in their struggle.  That is why I am grateful and would go through it again if that would be the Lord's will for my life. 

I found it very interesting how many people came up to us this week while we were out and about and blatantly asked us if we were open to more - they had no idea how this could have been a difficult question for us, but we always answered honestly, in spite of what we knew had gone on, yes, we would welcome another child.  Then, I always added, it may not be possible at my age anymore, but it would be wonderful if it happened.  So there you have it...whatever God gives us we'll take, even if it involves pain again.  It may just be how my body is slowly closing the doors.  For some, they just never get pregnant again.  For others, it may be a miscarriage or even two or three miscarriages before the body naturally stops doing what it was made to do.  So our times are in His hands. 

Ok - allow me to change the topic as lots has gone on in and around this difficult time, but it hasn't been all pain - lots of great things are happening on the farm!  Believe it or not, it still ties in to getting rid of debt as each project will allow us to make money either through farming or spending less on insulation, etc., so it will help us put away that debt slowly but surely.

Renaissance Man and I continue to get up early.  Despite the fact I was going through lots of aches and pains last week, I managed to work out 4 out of 5 days.  Somehow another virus entered our home, so less writing, but that accountability partner stuff really kept me on my toes with respect to exercise.  RM was busy getting things done around the farm while doing some business work as well.

We really try to let God determine our steps sometimes as the list is so long we often don't know where to start.  When the good weather finally hit (thank you Lord!  I LOVE SUMMER!!!!) RM determined he would do the plowing of one of our fields.  It was a very sweet moment I must say.  I joke that it looked like he got his plow at Toys 'R' Us because it is so tiny compared to the big farmer's plows around here.  But out he went as the weather was perfect. 

I thought he was doing a great job and was cheering him on from the distance, but then I watched how he got off his tractor and went and talked to our neighbour at the other end of our field.  He and this neighbour have a really good relationship and he cuts some of our hay for us.  Next thing you know, the other farmer is on our tractor plowing our field for a few minutes.  It was too far away, so I couldn't exactly tell what was going on.  Turns out it was quite a funny exchange.  The farmer saw what RM was up to and said, "What do you think you are doing?"   "I'm plowing my field?"  "That is not how you plow a field.  You're just going to make a big hole in your field if you keep doing it that way.  You have to do it this way (and went on to try to describe how to do it)."  Then, suddenly, he said, "Ahh, I'll just have to show you."  With that, he jumped up on RM's tractor and proceeded to show RM how to do it.  So funny.  RM was so grateful that he did show him as I guess he wasn't doing it right and he really was going to be making a big hole instead of plowing his field.  Once he got the concept the rest of the plowing went swimmingly!  We're so grateful for our neighbours that are willing to step in and help us novice farmers out!

Meanwhile in his downtime, RM thought he would attempt to do the barn floor as the hay is coming off the field any day now and we've got to get in the barn!  "Doing the barn floor" is no easy task as I've tried to describe before.  I honestly thought we were going to need 10 guys.  The skid steer was supposed to be a major part of this renovation as it was supposed to haul over the railway ties.  We didn't have 10 guys and no skid steer, so once again I wondered what he was going to do.  I knew he was counting on the boys, but for the whole floor??  As usual, I went inside.  I didn't really want to watch.

This time I got called out to help!  What?!  I'm not lifting any 300 lb beam!  Oh yes you are!  So, with my two boys, my oldest daughter and myself on one end (as some are heavier than others and needed more power to lift) and RM on the other end, we lifted several of these beams over to the barn and RM moved them into place.  Next thing you know, more than half the floor is done!  So we are making serious progress.  A great miracle.

It always comes back down to the ant, doesn't it?  Literally lifting more than we are supposed to be able to lift, working without an overseer to manage our time for us, and working until the sun goes down.  At the end of the day, we are all falling into bed exhausted, but loving it!  We all are feeling like we are doing what we were created to do.  I wonder if the ant could talk if it would say, "I'm a little overwhelmed" or "I feel like I'll never get this all done", but even if it were to say that, it keeps working anyway......so do we.