Rest in the Struggle

Saturday we were on our own, just the girls, the little boys and me.  The older 3 boys and RM had gone on a day trip to pick up another piece of equipment we needed.  The first part of that day found me feeling really blue.  It bothered me so much that he had to drive so long (over 5 hours one way) all in the name of trying to make a little extra money to kill debt.  I must have been under some kind of attack as it was just so hard to see the good in all of this struggle.  Most days I'm fine.  I'm clearly seeing the Lord work, but then once in awhile, maybe when I'm tired and possibly because we're still in the midst of Lent, my defences are down.

Then, around noon, I asked my daughter to play this song, "Worn", by Tenth Avenue North.  I've included the video, if you're interested.  The artist captured how I was feeling that day.

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

That was my prayer that day.  I was feeling tired and worn.  It was becoming a longer struggle than I would have wished for.  I wanted to know the struggle would end.  That even that trip, so far away, was worth it.  I felt frail.  That day I needed to lift up my eyes.  I knew that, but again, was feeling too weak to do so.  In a way I was praying all day, yet still struggling.  After the song was over, I dried my wet eyes. Thanked God for the struggle yet again and went on with my day.  Somehow the cloud was lifted, I don't know exactly when, but the heaviness wasn't there as much.  RM and the boys had a great day. They were able to see an aviation museum when they were in Ottawa and lots of fast food which made their day awesome!  My 9 year old came in at 11 pm bouncing off the walls.  That's sugar and caffeine for you.  Once in awhile, once in a while.....

We made the rest of our day productive, too.  After a morning of cleaning, the house was looking good.  Then I started a sewing project, a little blanket for a newborn girl.  The whole day, my youngest boy was sad, too.  He felt ripped off that he'd been left behind with a bunch of girls.  He knew they were having fun without him.  So all day long I tried to make him feel special by telling him how important he was being the oldest boy left behind.  He needed to be "the Dad" while the real dad was gone.  He looooves being the oldest and wishes that he were, so that seemed to help.

After dinner, when we typically do family worship, I said to him, "Well, go gather everyone.  You are leading family worship today cause you're the Dad!"  "What?  Really?"  "Yes, go pick a Bible story you want to read.  You have to ask all the questions tonight."  He couldn't believe it.  He took this role very seriously.  He picked Jonah from The Beginner's Bible.  Perfect.  He knew it well and so I read it and after every short page he would ask a child a question.  "So why did Jonah run away?"  He looked to his 7 year old sister.  "Very good," he would say after her answer.   "Why did they throw Jonah in the water?"  Another sister would answer, taking him very seriously as well.  He did so well, kind of smirking to himself the whole time.  It was very sweet.  I was very proud of him as normally he is bouncing off walls himself.  Very tricky to get him to sit for a few short minutes.  But he was "the Dad".  He rose to the occasion.

Church was great.  Still in Hebrews.  The sermon was on "Rest", ch. 4.  It reminded me of how I longed for rest from the struggle.  God doesn't promise me rest from my struggle.  In fact, my struggle may never ever be over.  But I can still experience rest in the midst of my struggle.  The writer of Hebrews seemed concerned, in fact, if you couldn't experience rest, "...let us fear lest any of you should seem to have failed to reach it." (4:1)  If you haven't experienced rest, why not?  He promises rest to the believer.  He's available to us, why wouldn't we experience this available rest? The main reasons?  We're either not believers or our eyes are off Jesus.  That was probably my problem.  For that Saturday morning, I "fell away".  I stopped experiencing His rest because my eyes fell on my circumstances.  It is work to enter that rest, though.  Hebrews 4:11 says, "let us therefore strive to enter that rest..."  I needed to make a deliberate choice that morning, but it was way easier to be miserable.

Thank the Lord for His word that is "living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."  He saw me that day.  "No creature is hidden from His sight..."  He saw me, but I'm responsible for even my pity parties.  I have to give an account even for that, "...but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account." (4:13)  I don't think it's unusual to fall into those pits.  It will probably happen again, and He will pick me up again.  We are human and frail beings, so susceptible to the enemy's attacks.  But out of the pit, I can see things so clearly now.

One of our seniors in the church passed away on Saturday.  I accidentally sat in "his pew" on Sunday, right where he would have normally sat.  There was something really beautiful though about being where he had sat so many years.  He was a very godly man and left a godly legacy.  I plan on attending his funeral as I want to know more about him having only met him a few months ago.  I know he sees things differently now.  He has the advantage of truly seeing things clearly, from heaven's vantage point.  His struggle is over.  Dying was what ended his struggle on earth. Ultimately that will be the case for me, too.  I know my current earthly struggle will only be replaced by a different one if we ever conquer this debt.  I know that this side of heaven will always be imperfect.  I just need to continue to strive for rest while I'm here and it is achievable.  I can experience rest.  The writer says that only "some" will enter that rest though. There will be those who will fail to enter "because of disobedience" (4:6)  I want to be one of the people who experience rest, now, "Today". (4:7)  It is possible.  Unbelief, disobedience, myself...those are the things that keep me from experiencing it.  The struggle will end one day, that is certain, but rest is possible now, even on this side of heaven, right in the midst of my struggle.  Amen.

So Glad I Went

I'm always amazed when I struggle whether or not I should head out to our homeschool support group.  It was very cold, windy and snowy last night and everything in me wanted to stay home under a blanket with a hot cup of tea.  But alas, I knew it was important to go.  I always benefit even if I don't know exactly how I will be impacted.  The topic was on dealing with children with learning difficulties.  I figured I probably wouldn't get too much out of it as I didn't have a child that fit that description necessarily, but you never know, so I went anyway.

What an evening.  I think it had to be one of the best meetings yet.  And why?  Because the people who shared last night opened up and because of their willingness to share their struggles, everyone was incredibly blessed.  Three women shared three different types of learning challenges they've experienced in their lives.  The first one had a brother who was considered "special needs" twenty plus years ago.  Nowadays he would have been called "ADHD" or something like that.  All she knew was that he got a lot of attention and that made her jealous.  The public school offered him lots of special programs and special attention.  She figured she was missing out.  She only found out much later that he had these learning difficulties.  Part way through their schooling she and her brother were taken out of the public school and put in a Christian school.  They agreed to take her brother, but they told the parents, "We won't be able to offer you all those fancy programs and teachers, but we can offer you prayer."  His new teacher prayed for him everyday and within 3 months, everything changed for him.  He became a new kid apparently.  She shared her story with us to remind us of the power of prayer especially if we have a child in our home that is giving us challenges.  It was so good to hear.

The second lady to share had been someone I had known for years, but had never gotten to know on a deeper level.  She had 5 children and her youngest 3 all had physical challenges.  One suffered from renal failure and needed a kidney transplant at only 8 years old and the other 2 were sick with cystic fibrosis.  She shared how she went through a major faith crisis as she wondered if God had forgotten her or if he was laughing at her or even punishing her for something.  All the diagnoses were within 3 years of each other and it was a dark time for her.  Yet God gave her a verse from John 9, "'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his  parents, that he was born blind?'  Jesus answered, 'It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.'"  Once she came upon this verse, she rested in the fact that God was using her children to display His glory in their lives and in her's.  There was not a dry eye in the room.  So moving to hear how she worked through her struggle.  Learning disabilities are not the only challenge we experience with our children.  Health issues can be a tremendous challenge as well.  Health challenges with one child would have been enough to put anyone down, but health issues with 3?  I can't imagine.  She is such a strong woman in her faith and I can only think it is because God allowed her to go through that dark time.  I was so grateful that she shared her story.

The last woman who shared blew us all out of the water.  All 3 of her children had tremendous challenges, from severe learning disabilities to autism-type disorders, to obsessive-compulsive disorders.....you name it, her kids had it.  She was so overwhelmed by all the different types of issues her children had.  Her oldest child's condition came with lots of screaming.  Everything set her off and this mom never knew what it would be or when it would be, but when it started it would go on and on for 45 minutes at least.  She was at wit's end.  She started to struggle with depression herself.  It was a 3 year waiting list to get help because she wasn't in the public school, she was homeschooling.  She couldn't talk about it with anyone as her children's disorders were like a secret she didn't want to talk about.  Maybe it was her parenting?  She didn't want others to think that or to find out some of them weren't reading as fast as other children were.  But then, at the end of her rope, she cried out to God for help.  Through a God-ordained google search, she came across a program called Neurodevelopment that saved her life and offered her hope for the first time.

She then went on to describe all the different types of behavior her children had as well as other symptoms other children can display that aren't necessarily just behavioural but can show up in reading and writing.  These symptoms could indicate a child needs to create new brain paths through the therapy she used that helped her children's symptoms be managed.  Within 3 months of using the therapy she described, her child went up 3 grade levels and then just a few months later, 2 more.  By 8 months, almost all the symptoms were now manageable, not gone, but she was a happy child again.  Her husband went up to the front to help demonstrate one of the things you can do with your child.  He started to try to describe what it was like when his oldest was just little.  He broke down in tears as he recalled the memory.  Again, we were all there with him, wiping our eyes, all of us able to relate in some way how hard it is to see your child struggle and not be able to help them.  He felt so hopeless in that moment years ago and it all came rushing back to him.

Now their oldest is 23 and hopes to be going to college or university this fall to enter into the world of finance.  They are in awe.  She's a supervisor in her current job.  Their other children are doing well, too, and the difference in their home is that now there is peace and joy, despite the fact the challenges haven't been entirely eliminated.

Suddenly I realized how much I could relate and how much I needed to be at that talk.  Maybe my children can read and write, maybe they don't have a label, per se, but still, some days are really hard over here.  Parenting is just plain hard work.  Who says they aren't "special needs"?!!!  They are!  These ladies made me realize how I need to be specifically praying for each child and what I can do to give them the special attention they need.  I need to treat them with respect and accept where they are in their struggles.  They are "sick" with sin (so am I).  They need the care of the great Physician for their hearts (and mine).  Our whole family is "special needs" for that matter.  Peace and joy can be elusive, but it doesn't have to be.

Listening to these women (and the dad) share was what Christian fellowship was all about.  Opening up, sharing from the heart, not keeping anything back.  None of these people had ever shared their story before, publically, that is, and each one said how cathartic is was.  Others benefit when we are real and not putting on the "everything is fine" face.  The one mom had admitted, it was a secret she had kept to herself.  She didn't want anyone to know her problems at home with her children.  That is so awful!  Satan loves it when we keep things in the dark.  It made her feel like she was falling apart.  She was falling apart!  We need one another so badly.  It was like the verse from 1 Samuel where those who surrounded him were "in distress, in debt and bitter in soul".  We don't have to have it all together to be a support to one another.

As a result of this talk, we all agreed, this needed to be heard by others and we plan on having this topic come up annually, so that others will know they are not alone in their struggles.  We all struggle.  But we have the Lord in common.  He is our greatest support and He is what brought each one through their dark time.  What is so great now, it to have these women on the other side of it.  They are true Titus 2 women teaching the younger women to "love their children".  We all needed to hear that last night, even those of us who thought we didn't need to be there. 

Out of the Cave and Into the Fire

Cute phrase of the day from my 3 year old when asked how much he weighs...."69 dollars."  Ahhh, when do they stop being so cute?

If you've ever wondered why things just don't seem to feel right with the world, you are right.  We live in enemy territory....for now.  Sometimes we find ourselves in a place, like Joseph, with Pharoah, or in prison.  That surely can't be where God wants us, yet there we are.

This was David's new location, out of the cave, but into enemy territory.  As I read more in 1 Samuel, I came to one of the strangest passages.  Saul is still pursuing him and he is just sick and tired of it and so he says, "There is nothing better for me than that I should escape to the land of the Philistines."  He finds refuge among his enemies!  That does not make sense and yet for over a year and 4 months, that's where he stays.  Still doing battle, gets married, has a couple wives, brings along 600 men and they settle there!  He even gets his own "country town", Ziklag.

It really doesn't make sense, but in a way, it was a time of peace for him as Saul was not about to chase him anymore if he was living in the land of the Philistines, his arch enemies.  It struck me that even though we are also living in our enemy's territory, by being in bondage to the bank, God has still given us a time of peace, too.  We have food in the fridge, children running around, a marriage from heaven.....there is peace (other than the squabbles with 3, 5, and 9 year old boys).  That seems to be the pattern in Scripture, too.  Joseph rose to power even when he was in prison.  David had a peaceful arrangement with the King of Gath, also, "Achish trusted David" and even made him his personal bodyguard.  Perhaps it is just a matter of perspective, finding peace even though our setting is less than peaceful?  What a challenge!

David couldn't get away from the Lord's presence, it followed him everywhere, even in the wilderness of his enemies.  "David was greatly distressed...But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God." (1 Sam. 30:6)  We are not where we want to be long-term.  We want to be out of the prison we are in, as I say over and over, and occasionally we find ourselves in great distress.  David went away for a battle and while he was gone, everyone had been taken captive, including his wives.  This was what led him to his great distress.  All his people were thinking of stoning him because they were "bitter in soul", but that was when he called on the name of the Lord and he was strengthened.  Not only that, God gave him a plan and reassurance that all would be ok, that he would be able to retrieve all that had been taken and more.  In our distress, God gives a plan, too.  He reassures us of His presence.  Either through His Word, through a message at church, through a friend....so many different ways that we hear His voice reminding us that we just need to "pursue", like David.  He was told, "Pursue, for you shall surely overtake and shall surely rescue." (1Sam. 30:8)

Isn't that a great verse, a great command?  Pursue!  We are doing that, too.  We are pursuing all sorts of ways to clear a financial path.  David did not just sit there hoping his wives would somehow come back to him.  He pursued their rescue.  This is our daily plan.

Along the way, God brought an Egyptian, who had been left behind to die.  After they helped him recover, he was able to lead them to the place they had all the captive people.  What a strange source of information, a dying man.  At first he probably seemed like an inconvenience, "Do we really have to help this man?  Can't we leave him to die?  We don't have time to help, we're busy trying to rescue our people?"  Perhaps those were their thoughts.  It is a great reminder to think about the people and situations that God brings into our path that at first look seem like an inconvenience and yet God is using them in our lives to help us.  That dying man actually helped them find their lost people, but I'm not convinced they knew that when they first stumbled upon him.  We can't get so focused on our debt-free course that we miss opportunities that God is bringing across our path.

David set out with 600 hundred men, but only 400 were strong enough to cross the river.  They were "too exhausted" (1 Sam. 30:10).  Later, after they were coming back from rescuing the captives, they came to the 200 men left behind.  Those who had fought with David were "wicked and worthless fellows".  They did not want to share any of the spoil they had recovered.  So selfish.  David was a wise man and said, "You shall not do so, my brothers, with what the Lord has given us.  He has preserved us and given into our hand the band that came against us.  Who would listen to you in this matter?  For as his share is who goes down into the battle, shall his share be who stays by the baggage.  They shall share alike." (1Sam. 30:23-24)  David was already acting like a king, a wise ruler, though he had no palace, luxuries, or even a crown.  He knew who he was even though his situation didn't quite seem to match it. 

It also shows that David didn't get stuck in a pity party.  He didn't complain about what was fair and what wasn't fair.  He saw everyone having a role in some way.  Some fought, some watched the baggage.  So many lessons in that passage.  I'll be sharing that verse with my kids today for sure!  Our big boys do all the hard outside work.  It must really bug them that the girls are inside sometimes in the warm house.  But they don't complain.  Ok, sometimes they do, but very rarely.  It's clear that we all have different roles in our families, as husbands and wives, as boys and girls, and big kids and small kids.  No one gets to complain.  I don't feed my older boys more just because they do the outside work.  No, we all eat the same food.  Conflict comes into our lives as soon as we start trying to figure out what is fair and what isn't.  Even with our financial situation, I get so frustrated when I become an observer of someone's apparent easy life.  I see wealth and what appears to be "easy street" and yet it doesn't seem like they worked for it.  Meanwhile from my vantage point, we're working like dogs over here and find ourselves in a pinch more often than not.  I'm a "wicked and worthless fellow" because I say, "Because they did not go with us, we will not give them any of the spoil that we have recovered..." (1 Sam. 30:22)  Translation?  "It's not fair!!!!""  This passage reminds me to shut up.  Even if it isn't fair, it is not up to me to decide what is or isn't fair.  I'm grateful that I don't have to be the judge and I'm even more grateful that God doesn't give me what I deserve!  I just need to be faithful in the place we find ourselves and that brings back the contentment that so easily gets taken captive.  I need to be rescued from myself!

David was so generous with the spoil that he even sent some to his friends, it says, "...he sent part of the spoil to his friends, the elders of Judah, saying, 'Here is a present for your from the spoil of the enemies of the Lord.'" (1 Sam.30:26)  Generosity is the message here.  We aren't to wait until we are rescued, we are to be generous now, but even moreso once we reach financial freedom.  These messages of sharing and being generous were laws David made from that time on, "And he made it a statue and a rule for Israel from that day forward to this day." (1Sam. 30:25)  I should tell the kids that, too, "Be nice.  Be kind.  Be generous.  It's the law."  Well, actually it already is, we just have a few rule-breakers over here.

Now David's out of the cave, but in the land of his enemies.  But he acts like a king, gets comfort and wisdom from God and refuses to be selfish.  I need to do the same in my own home.  I may not be a king, but I'm a queen in my own home.  I can act like one with wisdom from God, refusing to fall into pity parties, refusing to fall into the "what is fair" pit, and watch for opportunities to be generous in and out of my home.  That's a good plan for my day!

Cave Running

Putting out fires.  Sometimes that's what it feels we are doing.  As soon as we get one fire put out, another one starts somewhere else!  We recently discovered that our toilet was leaking.  That'll get fixed today.  Before that it was the pipes still freezing.  RM took care of that.  Before that it was chickens getting loose, running across the road (why does the chicken cross the road???)  That still has to be taken care of.  Now we have to work on moving kids around the house to fit in the right bedrooms as little boys are growing out of their toddler beds and big girls need their space.....ahhhhhh.....the list goes on and on....To top it off, if we aren't running from fire to fire, we are running from bill to bill.  Just as we are paid up on every bill, another one shows up.  Yet somehow we are always able to make the payments, sometimes in the 11th hour, which can be stressful, but at least they are getting paid!

This was hardly King David's experience, but then again, it kind of was.  I enjoyed reading his running-around-the wilderness chapters so much.  Each chapter's subtitles read something like this, "David Flees Here" or "David in this Cave" or "David Narrowly Misses Being Killed Here".  It must have been super annoying to be running for your life all the time!  Never having a decent meal, a pillow, or even your best friend to support you!  Just when he thought he was safe, Saul would show up again. 

But I love his story so much.  He had to call on God all the time and God always answered him.  He always provided an escape and his enemies never won, even when they had inside information where he was hiding.  In one situation, "David was hurrying to get away from Saul.  As Saul and his men were closing in on David and his men to capture them, a messenger cam to Saul saying, 'Hurry and come, for the Philistines have made a raid against the land.'  So Saul returned from pursuing after David and went against the Philistines.  Therefore that place was called the ROCK OF ESCAPE."  We have so many "Rock of Escape" stories.  If I could just put a rock in our house for each time God gave us an escape, I'm sure I could have built quite the wall by now.

David did nothing to deserve his bad treatment.  He had a chance to kill Saul in one of the caves, but he did not.  "For by the fact that I cut off the corner of your robe and did not kill you, you may know and see that there is no wrong or treason in my hands.  I have not sinned against you, though you hunt my life to take it." (1 Sam. 24:11)  Sometimes we find ourselves in tough situations just because.  God was preparing David.  He was in God's Seminary just like we are.  I often feel like I am in one cave one day and then another cave the next day.  We run from cave to cave just like David!  We feel pursued from either a banker or some other "Saul".  But God gives us "Rocks of Escape", too, and it isn't because of anything we've done.  It's because God is training us.  We cry out to God just as David did.  There was light eventually at the end of the tunnel, though it must have seemed like an eternity to David.

Yet God did surround him with supporters.  This is funny.  He didn't surround him with people who had it all together.  He surrounded him with people who were also struggling.  Read the list of friends, "And everyone who was in distress, and everyone who was in debt, and everyone who was bitter in soul..." (1 Sam. 22:2)  Kind of sounds like our friends!  We have a number of friends that are in those states right now, in distress, in debt, and bitter in soul.  But I love having these people around me.  We encourage one another.  We fight together.  We help one another out.

Then there's Abigail.  The lady who had to step in for her foolish husband. She is described as "discerning and beautiful" whereas her husband is "harsh and badly behaved".  I much prefer the first description and would love to be known as that!  She knew her husband had done David wrong and stepped in on his behalf.  She also knew God was fighting for David.  She said, "If men rise up to pursue you and to seek your life, the life of my lord shall be BOUND IN THE BUNDLE OF THE LIVING IN THE CARE OF THE LORD YOUR GOD." 1 Sam. 25:29)  I loved that description of how God cared for David, "bound in the bundle", "of the living", "in the care of the Lord your God".  Great phrases.  David was being pursued by his enemies, putting out fires, running from cave to cave, but he was "bound in the bundle".  Nothing happened to him that the Lord didn't know about.

These are all reminders for me as I run from cave to cave, from things that seem like enemies hot on my trail.  I know that there will be more "Rocks of Escape".  I know that sometimes I'm in trouble because of choices I've made, but other times it is just because God is training me and wanting me to cry out to Him.  I'm grateful for my motley crew of friends and family who support me in all my wilderness wanderings.  I'm also grateful for the ways I see that I am bound in God's bundle.  I receive hugs from heaven all the time.  This past week a card showed up in the mail, completely  unexpected from a friend that I've been trying to support over the last few months.  She was thanking me for my support, but in actual fact, her card was more of a way of giving me support!  It contained a word from the Lord where she reminded me that the Lord will "never leave us or forsake us".  How did she know that I needed to hear that on that day?  Proof that I am bound in the bundle.

David's example of cave running is a perfect message for me today.

No Survivors

Banks.  One of those things you love to hate.  We need 'em, I suppose, but if everyone were on a cash-based way of buying and selling, we probably wouldn't.  We are trying to free ourselves from their grip, but they love us!  They want us to be one of their customers forever!  They seem to want to see us, touch base with us, have us come down, sign papers...they are just so friendly!  We want to break up with them and just be friends, but they just won't take no for an answer. 

Our mortgage renewal is coming up in August.  We are trying so hard to believe that maybe we won't need to go and renew.  We're praying that, by God's grace, some crazy miracle, that when we go down there that instead we'll hand them a cheque for the remainder of the mortgage and then just walk away, free and clear.  It isn't looking so good right now, but you never know!

Yesterday, RM had to deal with a banker yet again and he was frustrated, by how they talk, by the things they say, by the power they have.  We talk about Good RM and Bad Rm.  Bad RM isn't saved (we heard Voddie Bachaum describe himself this way, too...it made us laugh...)  When Bad RM comes out it isn't pretty.  The bank brings out Bad RM.  Yesterday, he and I took aside a day to again, specifically pray for a few things very intently, including the conversation with the bank. 

Right after his conversation, instead of stewing, he read his Bible.  He came across the most amazing passage in Deuteronomy 2.  He read about the time where Moses was trying to pass through a specific area in the wilderness.  He sent a message to the King of Heshbon asking for permission to pass, "Let me pass through your land.  I will go only by the road; I will turn aside neither to the right nor the left.  You shall sell me food for money, that I may eat, and give me water for money, that I may drink.  Only let me pass through on foot....." (2:26-28)

It was like us talking to the bank, "Ok, we don't want to have to use you.  We wish we didn't have a mortgage, but sadly we do.  Will you agree to just leave us alone.  We are paying for the privilege of lending, we get that, just let us pass through and don't bug us.  We will pay the mortgage off asap!"

The king, however, would not let them pass, for the Lord had "hardened his spirit and made his heart obstinate."  Why would God harden his heart?   Verse 30 says, "that he might give him into your hand, as he is this day."  The Lord also said, "Behold, I have begun to give Sihon and his land over to you.  Begin to take possession, that you may occupy his land......And the Lord our God gave him over to us, and we defeated him and his sons and all his people.  And we captured all his cities at that time and devoted to destruction every city, men, women, and children.  WE LEFT NO SURVIVORS." (31-34)

That's kind of how it was with the bank.  We try to get everything set up on our terms, but ultimately, as long as we are borrowing money, we have to do things on their terms.  This is very frustrating for RM and kind of like the king saying, "No, you don't get to pass through the way you want.  It'll be the way I decide."  This time, however, after reading that passage, after the conversation with the bank, Bad RM didn't come out.  He felt strangely calm and encouraged.  It was as if God were saying, "Behold, I have begun to give the bank over to you.  Begin to take possession."  That is not to say we will take over the bank!  No, but there was a sense that God is in control and even if it doesn't appear that there will be a way to pay it all off, that ONE day we will.  ONE day, there will be no more mortgage or debt of any kind....no debt survivors.  It was like I wrote yesterday, it doesn't appear that all things are under His subjection YET, but they are.  We just have to be faithful, do our part, wait and see.  Even if it isn't going to happen until Christ returns, we still felt that it was a clear message from the Lord, to know the bank isn't in control.  Ultimately, God is in control, above the bank, even if they don't know that, just as God was in control of the king.  We felt this strange burden leave our shoulders.  God can handle our mortgage. 

After we sat together, reading the passage and talking about it, we prayed.  We prayed once again for freedom.  We started to thank the Lord for what He was possibly doing behind the scenes that we couldn't see.  There is no other way to pray except to thank Him for what we can see and for what we can't see as obviously there are always things going on that we aren't aware of.

The passage in Deuteronomy 2 ended with a description of all the cities that Israel captured, "there was not a city too high for us.  The Lord our God gave all into our hands."  Nothing is impossible for God.  No city is too high, no mortgage is too big.   We rested in that and went on with our day.....stress free.

Consider Jesus

This weekend we headed over the border for a Tenth Avenue North concert.  We were going because my daughter loves their music and had bought tickets for her friend for her birthday, but alas, she needed a chaperone and I just so happen to enjoy their music, too (a great Christian band....very moving lyrics).  We kind of "accidentally" bought the VIP tickets (thanks to an awesome oversight by my friend!) so this meant we got to meet the band, along with a small group of people, ask them questions and hear a couple of songs acoustically.  I was shocked by how moved I was to listen to them, hear them talk, and even pray.

I had been told their concert would be "too much of a performance", "showy".  I went in a bit skeptical.  But at the end of the Q and A, the lead singer, Mike, prayed a prayer that brought me to tears.  He asked the Lord, "If there is anyone here tonight that is saying, "No" to God that they would learn to say, "Yes" because that is where all the problems start, when we say, 'No' to God."  He went on to pray for those who might be there who had hearts of stone, that God would give them a heart of flesh.  He went on and on it seemed along those lines.  It wasn't a prayer of someone trying to be "showy".  He clearly was praying what the Holy Spirit had put on his heart.

The concert followed the same tone.  In fact, each band that went on before them had that same prayerful and giving-God-the-glory feel.  As well, each band showed all the lyrics for every single song, so that you could sing along with them.  That kept it from being a show all about them because it made the audience part of the singing experience.  It was amazing to go thinking you would be watching some great bands, but then end up being at a concert praising God along with the singers on stage.  It gave me a small glimpse of what heaven would be like.

It was such a musical extravaganza!  It was almost more than I could take in...there was just so much amazing music and sounds coming from the stage.  Incredibly talented artists.  I went home unexpectedly full and inspired, grateful to God for their talents and how they are using them for His glory.  We talked about it all weekend as several of our children and even RM were able to take it in as well.

Back to regular life the rest of the weekend....Sunday brought us to church, of course.  I must really need to learn from Hebrews because we studied it at our last church and here we are again, back in Hebrews.  I'm getting a lot out of it even though I feel like I was just there.

The phrase that struck me this past weekend was from chapter 3, verse 1, "Consider Jesus".  It isn't a passing comment or a suggestion like, "You might want try this out."  No, it is much more of a command, "Focus on Jesus, whatever you do."  The reason?  Because it is very easy to fall away, even as a believer.  Verse, 12 says, "Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God."  It doesn't seem possible to fall away, but it is in fact very easy....if we don't "consider Jesus" and by that the writer means, whatever you do, do not take your eyes off Jesus.  Focus on Him 100%.  If we needed proof that you can fall away, all you have to do is look at the Israelites.  Who knows how they fell away so badly after all that God did for them getting them out of slavery in Egypt, but they were clearly used as an example for us that even when God does miracle after miracle in our lives, we can still take our eyes off of Him and lose out on the Promised Land like they did if we aren't careful.  Such a good warning.

Last week's message on chapter 2 of Hebrews reminded us of how that can happen.  It doesn't always seem like God has things under control.  Things don't go as we planned and we lose heart, so we take our eyes off of him, just for a second, and we start to panic.  Verse 8 jumped out at me though as the gentle reminder that we still need to trust, even if things don't appear to be under God's control, "Now in putting everything in subjection to Him, He left NOTHING OUTSIDE HIS CONTROL.  AT PRESENT, WE DO NOT YET SEE EVERYTHING IN SUBJECTION TO HIM."  Isn't that it?  He has left "nothing outside His control", but it doesn't appear that way all the time.  It looks like nothing is being controlled by Him.  But the next phrase is what we need to see, "we do not YET see everything in subjection to Him."  Yet.  That is the key word in the whole verse.  It means, "it doesn't appear that all things are in His control, but they are...and there is a day coming when we will see that." 

It's simply faith, trusting, waiting.  Chapter 2 went on to describe how Jesus' death ultimately delivered those who were "subject to lifelong slavery" from the "fear of death".  We think we are slaves to debt, but really fear of any kind is true slavery.  Reading that reminded me that fear itself is slavery.  I'm so grateful that He has been releasing me of fear over the last few years.  I never realized the bond it had in my life.  I sing those songs in church now about the freedom Christ brings and tears always come to my eyes.

We delivered on a contract this week.  We were hopeful that another one was coming, but we had no purchase order.  Sure enough, on the day of delivery, RM got the papers for the next small contract.  God is faithful.  But He makes sure to keep us faithful as He didn't give us that order until the other one was done!  We're so grateful.

Last thing....we know we are supposed to hospitable.  We love having people over, but lately, since Christmas, our house is a shambles.  Walls are still exposed in some places, wires are hanging out, some lights don't even work.  It has potential written all over it!  But it just isn't done yet.  We are waiting on money, waiting on time, waiting on an imaginary crew to come in and help!  But we really felt we were supposed to have people over from this new church.  Fine, fine, fine.  We invited a family over.  We did our best to clean up.  Guess what they said when they walked in, "We love your house!"  Impossible.  Didn't they see that none of the trim was on the walls or door frames?  Didn't they see all the wires?  Or the unfinished floors?  No.  They didn't.  I think that is the best example of how I can so easily take my eyes off "considering Jesus" and fall for the "deceitfulness of sin" and pride.  By being obedient and doing hospitality anyway, despite our incomplete house, we ended up being blessed and supposedly they were blessed, too!  A great reminder to not make hospitality all about me, but instead about the guest.  That is the difference, I once heard, between entertaining and hospitality.  Entertaining is all about the host, how great they are, how beautiful their house is, how nicely displayed the food it, etc.  Hospitality is about the guest, how special they are meant to feel, how they are treated.  I'm still learning.....

David and Goliath Revisited

After reading David and Goliath yesterday, I shared with the kids what I had learned and was amazed at how many more lessons were in this story.  Even though the story is so familiar, once again, it came to life with so many principles that can be applied to us and to our financial situation, to our children's work pursuit, even to my little 5 year old who was struggling with his adding yesterday.

In this story we see the giant Goliath coming out and for 40 days he announced his threat, defying God and the army of Israel.  Right away I saw that number 40 again.  Every time I come across the number 40 in the Bible I try to see what it could possibly mean.  In this case, was it a time of preparation for David?  Perhaps a time to show God's glory through someone so unexpected?  Not exactly sure, but all I know is that at the end of those 40 days, David had been proven a young man of great character and God had certainly gotten the glory through him.

David was sent by his father with bread and cheese to his brothers to see how they were and to bring back news.  It is a small thing, but the Bible includes everything for a reason.   Verse 20 of Ch. 17 says, "And David rose early in the morning and left the sheep with a keeper and took the provisions and went, as Jesse commanded."  There is just so much in that one verse.  It shows he wasn't lazy.  He didn't sleep in until he felt like going.  He got up early.  A displined boy.  Then, he made sure he didn't just take off on his sheep.  He found someone else to watch them, a "keeper".  So responsible!  He could have hoped he'd be back in time, but he took care of all unexpected circumstances.  And, all of this because he was obeying his dad, "as Jesse had commanded."  He didn't give him flack, he just went and did what he was told.  Disciplined, responsible, obedient.  I made sure I explained that to the kids.

Once he arrived, David heard Goliath's rant.  He had a lot of questions.  He had also noticed how every man fled and how afraid they were of him.  He wanted to know what would happen to the man of would kill the Philistine.  He was shocked that anyone would "defy the armies of the living God."  He knew it made no sense.  He had a right view of God - living!  For him, it was a matter of fact.  It wasn't if someone could kill Goliath, it was when.  He knew whoever took him on would get a reward and wanted to know what it was!  The reward is fascinating.

"And the king will enrich the man who kills him with great riches and will give him his daughter and make his father's house free in Israel." (v. 25)

All this for taking on a giant.  What if we took on a giant?  Would we get a reward?  I think we would!  I see God always rewarding my faith, not necessarily with financial riches, but riches of other kinds.  I'm rich in children, in love, in peace....I have great riches.  A wife?  No, I didn't get a wife, but I did get a husband!  He is definitely a reward for me!  I believe God rewarded me with being patient for a husband.  I told the kids as they take on giants in their life, by God's grace, He will reward each one of them with a spouse some day.  They must be faithful like David in fighting each giant that comes their way.  This intrigued my oldest son who I can tell would love to be married one day, "Ok, so what do I have to do????"

My favourite part of the reward though was the last part, that his father's house would be "free in Israel."  That is what I most long for as a reward for taking on our giant of debt.  May we be "free"!  It could mean financially free, or free from the bank, or free from any type of bondage.  I pray that my children will be free all their lives and never enter into the bondage of debt.  But it will mean taking on many giants.

Goliath wasn't the only giant in the story.  David's older brothers were giants, too.  They were naysayers in his life.  When they saw him asking questions, his oldest brother said, "Why have you come down?  And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness?  I know your presumption and the evil in your hear, for you have come down to see the battle."  Wow.  He sure assumed a lot about David.  He assumed he came down with wicked intentions.  He assumed he was irresponsible.  He assumed he was there with wrong motivations.  He was jealous of his bravery, no doubt.  David was making them all look bad.  But not on purpose! He was simply being who God had created him to be!  We'll have so many naysayers in our lives.  And we have!  People have made fun of us for attempting to take on mortgage debt.  Who does that?  Mortgages are completely normal and we have been told to just accept our situation basically and enjoy life more.  Well, we disagree.  We feel we will be able to enjoy life a lot more without the bank on our back.  So we have to ignore the naysayers.

I love David's response, "What have I done now?  Was it not but a word?"  I guess this wasn't the first interaction with his brothers.  It sounds like they are always on his case, "What have I done now?" implies "What have I done to bother you this time?????"  He just asked a simple question and he got in so much trouble for it?!  Then, and this is what we need to do, too, "he turned away from him toward another, and spoke in the same way...."  We just need to turn away.  I explained this to the little boys, "Just turn away when your brother bothers you."  It worked for David!  Such a better way to handle conflict!

Word started to get out that David was asking a lot of questions.  Saul called for him.  David was so sure of himself, "Let no man's heart fail because of him.  Your servant will go and fight with this Philistine."  His heart wasn't failing, why should mine when I face a giant?  More naysayers though, "You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him, for you are but a youth, and he has been a man of war from his youth."  Too young, too old.  There will always be an excuse to not do something.  We are getting too old to take on our debt giant.  It sure would be a lot easier if we just gave up and enjoyed what we have.  Truly I would rather do that.  Living frugally isn't very fun!  But David won't hear of it.  This is when he gives Saul his resume of lion and bear fighting.  I hadn't noticed before that it was lionS and bearS!  Notice the plural "s" on the end of those words????  He had taken on more than one lion and more than one bear!  That's crazy!  It sure makes fighting debt like a walk in the park.  I can fight debt if he can fight multiple wild animals.

When I reflect on the battles I've already been in, I need to say like David, "The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine."  He's done it once, twice......many, many times....He can do it again.  That's why it is so important to record these victories, to remind myself!!!  As I wrote yesterday, Saul was convinced, "Go, and the Lord be with you!"  We need to just Go!  The Lord is with us!  We know this!

Right away, we left our little Bible time together and I knew each one would have a battle at some point in the morning.  It was really great to be able to tell each one who came up against a giant in their school, "Hey, that's your giant right now!  You need to fight this giant!  You can do this!"  And it helped them all, even the little 5 year old who just refused to do his adding problems, "I can't do this!  It is too hard!"  "But that's your giant!  Don't you see?"  Once I said that to him, his attitude immediately changed and he took on the page with a new fury.  Learning obedience, courage, discipline, responsibility at that young age will take him far.  If he can take on a little math giant, then one day he'll be able to take on much bigger giants, like the ones RM and I are fighting.

So, there you have it - David and Goliath - We're at the beginning of our 40 day adventure again.  We see lots of giants in our lives and in the lives of others around us.  We are recognizing we don't need to be afraid.  We have the living God on our side.  We have naysayers in our life, but we are turning away from them and listening to those who tell us, "Go!"  We know that God will one day reward us, perhaps here on earth, but definitely one day in a heavenly sense, for our willingness to fight.  The giants are HUGE, but they're nothing in light of who God is.  We have to be disciplined, responsible, and obedient in the meantime.  Each battle we encounter will one day be understood as part of the process, our lions and bears.  We won't use youth or old age as an excuse not to fight.  Until we are told to stop, we're pressing forward, refusing to let our hearts fail.  We "will go and fight this Philistine" and we know the Lord will be with us.  Amen.

Parties and Perseverence

We are a party in a package.  If you need friends to come to your party, just invite us!  That's what we've become for some of our friends.  It is much simpler really.  Instead of sending out all sorts of invitations to 10 different people, you just send one to us and we'll show up...voila!  Instant party!
That's what we've been doing all winter with this one family, simply attending their fun birthday parties!  Each time one of their kids gets a year older, you got it, we're there!  This past weekend it was roller skating - how fun is that?!  Well, I should clarify....fun for ME, not for my little ones....They were crying their eyes out as they just couldn't quite figure it out.  I had such sore muscles the next day as I had been bending over as we went around and around the rink, constantly picking them up off the concrete.....fortunately no injuries.  My friend called it an "epic fail" as far as fun ideas went for little kids, but the adults and older kids all had a great time!  The little ones ended up just sitting around drinking slushies, so it couldn't have been that bad!

This past week has been a fantastic week full of life lessons for our kids.  We're trying to get them busy and "off the streets", looking for work, ways to make money, etc.  Most of the time they are with us and get why we are pushing them, but recently we got a little push-back. 

We had heard of an opportunity to work in a booth selling books at an upcoming homeschool convention.  It just so happens our children have quite a bit of experience selling books as we also used to do that a few years ago.  We encouraged our older two to do this.  No, no, no.....they were not interested one bit.  What?!  We couldn't believe it.  Why not?  They both have been dying to make more money and were willing to do just about anything, why not this?  Then, the truth came out.....they'd be missing out on hanging with their buddies at the fair, which they looooove to do (I think I've mentioned how social my kids are....blame me.....)  Aaahhhh....the life lesson began....

We explained how, especially at 18 (which my oldest is now) and 17 (the next one willing be turning that in May), they needed to seriously stop thinking about fun and more about sacrifice and hard work.  A few eye rolls later, we got them back on board.

They wrote the vendor and she was happy to have them....until she found out how far away we lived.  It would involve training and she figured it was too far.  Whew!  My kids were off the hook....or so they thought...HA!  We said, "Not so fast....." and made them write her another email saying, "Oh, don't worry!  We'll travel!  We're willing to go wherever it takes to get trained!"  (They were gritting their teeth as they wrote this....fun was so elusive!)

This is where is gets great.....She wrote back again, "That's great!  Ok, you're hired!  I'm impressed with your persistence!"  "I TOLD YOU SO!" was immediately communicated to the kids.  "Don't you see now?" was all we could say.  It was awesome to get immediate feedback from this woman.  She said exactly what we hoped - she hired them because of their persistence.  Their attitudes immediately changed.  I know they will still have fun at the trade show, but now it will be because of who they will meet at the booth.  God is going to use them and will bless them for doing the right thing.  It was a great parenting moment.

The younger kids also had some neat life lessons this week - same thing.  They wanted to go roller skating so badly.  It was going to be an all day affair.  Skating by day, pizza by night.  We really couldn't sacrifice the time.  RM had a contract that needed to be shipped out yesterday.  He had planned on working all day Monday, which, in Ontario, happened to be "Family Day", a holiday.  I was going to go on my own with the kids, but he pictured the skating nightmare and said, "No, I'm coming.  We'll work when we get home."  So we told the kids, "We'll go, but we're all going to have to chip in and work later when we get home.  We can't stay late.  Got it?"  "Got it, " they all agreed.

So, we got home around 7:30 pm or so and the sweat shop began.  It was easy work, just packaging up all the things that needed to be shipped, but it was tiring as there were hundreds of items.  Suddenly, they started to see there was a sacrifice.  Family Day had become Family NIGHT.  The little ones dropped off by 8 or 9 pm....couldn't make it!  The older ones lasted until 10.  But up early the next day!  It was another great opportunity for everyone to see we'll let you have fun, but we have to make up for it somewhere.  Sacrifice.  Hard work.  But then...reward!  We'll get paid and then the kids get to eat!  Having RM work from home teaches these lessons so much more clearly as the kids actually witness what rewards come from work and what work looks like.

My son was very disappointed this week.  He had applied for other jobs that he was so certain he would get, but then nothing.  They either weren't hiring or hadn't made a decision.  He couldn't understand why it wouldn't work out.  He questioned, "Why do these things happen?"  But I read this morning in 1 Samuel 17 about David and Goliath.  David went down to bring bread and cheese to his brothers.  He heard Goliath challenge the Israelites and thought out loud, "Who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?"  When it came back to Saul he was told, "You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him for you are but a youth and he has been a man of war from his youth."  But David said to Saul, "Your servant used to keep sheep for his father.  And when there came a lion, or a bear, and took a lamb from the flock, I went after him and struck him and delivered it out of his mouth.  And if he arose against me, I caught him by his beard and struck him and killed him.  Your servant has struck down both lions and bears and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be like one of them, for he has defied the armies of the living God.
(1 Sam.17:33-36) 

It doesn't seem that different from my son.  I'm sure David wondered why God would allow such near tragedies to happen in his life, fighting a bear and a lion!  Yet God used these battles to prepare him, to give him courage, to teach him the character he would one day need as king.  My son has hardly fought a lion or a bear, but he is fighting for a job and keeps coming up against disappointment after disappointment.  I can only think and tell him, God is preparing him, teaching him character for the day he will be a king.  A king?  Not of a country, but a leader in his family, a leader in his church, in his community.  All men are to be leaders.  He can't escape it and God is doing what it takes to prepare him.  I would much rather that he never experience disappointment, but God is bringing those types of bears and lions in his life and if he fights and wins and perseveres as he did with the book selling opportunity, then he will be an even better leader one day.  So I'm grateful for these ups and downs he's going through.  It's our job to help him to see what God is doing, otherwise he just gets ticked off!

Because of his perseverance, Saul was convinced!  David had run through his life resume and said, "I'm the guy for the job.  Hire me!"  So Saul then said to David, "Go, and the Lord be with you!"  Just like the book vendor told our kids, "I'm impressed with your persistence!"  It was as if she were saying, "Go, and the Lord be with you!"  Great lessons.  Ironically, we have literally a Jesse and a David in our family....names we chose years ago, never knowing how they would actually come to experience the very lessons the Biblical Jesse and David learned.

A Twist on Valentine's Day

Yesterday we found out two people in our lives, one we know very well and one not as well, have been diagnosed with (I can't even write it) the "C" word.  They are both facing surgery and unknown futures.  I had just read with the children that very morning about the sufferings of life, but as I talked with them and read from the Bible and the devotional, we discovered that only when we face obstacles can we sing.  Just like with the wind.  We only hear it when it hits a tree or some leaves, that's when we know it is there.  That's when we hear the wind "sing".

Similarly, when a storm comes in the middle of a hot and humid summer day, suddenly the storm changes the atmosphere - it cleans it, purifies it, it brings new life....all because of the storm.  I read all those things, not knowing a phone call was just about to come.

As we prayed last night for these people, my daughter knew just what to do and she thanked God for the disease.  She thanked Him for how it was coming to possibly clean the atmosphere, to purify it and to bring new life.  What a great perspective!  The human side of us doesn't typically go there and I have to admit, I still have a nagging feeling in the back of my head as I don't know the future and part of me wants to be afraid, but I'm fighting that with all my heart.

I read about hearts yesterday.  Now I'm in 1 Samuel and Saul had just been chosen as king over Israel, though no one knew it yet.  He was innocently out looking for his donkeys when Samuel approached him.  He told him how God had chosen him to be over all Israel.  Saul was shocked and much like Gideon responded with, "Am I not a Benjaminite, from the least of the tribes of Israel?  And is not my clan the humblest of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin?" (9:21)  But no, he was exactly who God had chosen.  Samuel gave him signs to watch for as he must have known this was a big shock to Saul.  Then, and here is one of the greatest phrases in the Bible, "When he turned his back to leave Samuel, God gave him another heart." (10:9)  How great is that?!

Why did God give him another heart?  I think it must have been that he was fearful as we see him only a few verses later "hidden among the baggage", just like Gideon.  He probably couldn't believe what Saul was telling him, "Why me?" he was probably thinking.  Israel had asked for a king and only a man that God had chosen could do it.  Only a man with supernatural wisdom and power could lead Israel.  No one in his right mind would have wanted to lead those people.  God needed to give him another heart in order to believe he could do it and in order to even have the ability to follow God's commands.

I need another heart.  Don't we all need another heart?  I just love that phrase so much.  These unwell people in my life probably need new hearts too, and maybe a few new other organs as well.  No doubt they are afraid like Saul, "Why me?  Why have you chosen me?"  They will need a new heart to take on the task that lies before them.  Only in God's power can they be in the fight they are now in.

I need a new heart as I take on this challenge once again of praying through the next 40 days.  I still don't know how God is going to meet our needs, but He miraculously continues to take care of us.  We sold one of the Porsches that RM had been working on for a long time.  God's timing was perfect though.  We sold it just when we needed the money most.  Then I gave another seminar a couple of weeks ago and unlike the other seminars I'd been giving where only 4 or 5 showed up, this time 31 women came!  It was amazing!  I was so grateful.  It was a definite help at just the right time...as usual.  Then, another hay order came in that we weren't expecting.  All unexpected sources of income.  Only God can orchestrate all of that.  Perhaps He is giving me a new heart as I haven't been experiencing the fear, the panic and the dread I used to once feel.  Perhaps He is giving me that new heart, just not all at once.

Back to Saul.....As Saul was proclaimed king, there were some who got jealous and said, "How can this man save us?"  And "they despised him and brought him no present."  But, at the same time, others, "men of valour whose hearts God had touched" went with Saul.  They believed in him because God had touched their hearts.  The others who were jealous were called "worthless fellows". (10:26)  God knew this fearful leader would need supporters, "men of valour" not "worthless fellows".  In our fight against debt, against disease, we need people around us whose hearts God has touched to support us, not to question us and doubt our abilities.  So far, thankfully, that has been our situation and I'm so grateful for that.  I realized how much that makes those people in our lives people of valour!  I need to be that for others, too.

Ironically, this weekend is Valentine's Day.  The world only knows the chocolate and diamonds Valentine's Day.  But, the Bible has a twist on V-Day, doesn't it?  This is the type of Valentine's Day I'm talking about - getting a new heart, from God, not a chocolate one from a store.  That's what I'm asking for.

Life Lesson and Tomato Staking

Yesterday was a hard day for my oldest son.  A day of lessons in taking responsibility.  He had studied very hard for his driver's test and was all set to go, but somehow missed the section on bringing I.D. to the test, so he couldn't take it.  He was so disappointed and frustrated and felt it wasn't his mistake.  His mood turned sour and he struggled on and off throughout the day.

Finally at the end of the day as our family gathered for our nightly re-cap of the day and prayer, we were able to discuss all the tests that had come his way that day, where he had perhaps failed and how he could have handled things better.  We explained his mistake wasn't in forgetting his I.D., it was how he handled his frustration and in the not taking responsibility for his forgetfulness.  That is always the hardest part, isn't it?  Taking personal responsibility?  We are all prone to blame-shifting.

Poor guy.  Lesson learned, I think.  I don't think he'll ever forget to bring I.D. to anything ever again, nor will any of our future children who need their licenses!  Hopefully he can write it today and then within a few months we should have another driver! 

As we looked back on yesterday, we realized it had been quite a hard day for some of us.  There had been all sorts of strange struggles.  Without trying to over-spiritualize things, we wondered if we were specifically being attacked because of our upcoming attempt at praying again for a focused amount of time.  It would make sense!  Satan will do anything to keep us from praying together and from having a spirit of prayer.

I had a great day, on the other hand!  I only had 4 children with me for most of the day as the other ones were with RM on errands.  He took my rambunctious 5 year old which really changed the tone of the day and how much we all accomplished!  He really makes a huge difference in my regular day-to-day duties.  He gets into so many conflicts just by existing! 

I had to literally take matters into my own hands last week in an attempt to keep him out of trouble.  Just like a tomato plant needs to be staked, I staked him.  That's right, I tied a little piece of yarn a few inches long to his wrist and the other end to my wrist and he had to stay near me for about an hour.   He couldn't stand it!  He wanted to run away and get into some kind of trouble so badly!  It was extremely effective.  He got my point.  I kept telling him, "I want you to learn to obey and the only way you can learn that is by being near by and watching me and listening to me.....just like a tomato plant."  I didn't come up with this all on my own.  A long time ago I read a book called Raising Godly Tomatoes.  The author suggests that is exactly what you do if you don't want "rotten" kids, have them near you, "staked", as much as possible.  Not tied with yarn, but near you, in a literal and a figurative sense.  That way you are able to train better, pick up on their issues more quickly, and then deal with their "tomato diseases" more effectively.  If a child is just left on his own, he'll rot.  My poor little guy wants to grow wild like a roaming tomato plant which seems easier at first...."Aahhhh just leave him be....it's too much work to train!" But I know if just leave him be, then I'll have a rotten plant.  So I press on with him, even though he can be so trying.  I want him to be a fruitful plant, full of awesome tomatoes!  I'll be praying for him as much as anything else, these next 40 days.

At Once

I read a great devotional yesterday on the words, "At once....".  The writer was referring to the time Jesus was sent out into the desert, immediately following His baptism in the Jordan River, "At once, the Spirit sent Him out into the desert." (Mark 1:12)  The reason this phrase is so interesting is because of the verses right before it. Verse 10 refers to the Holy Spirit descending on Jesus "like a dove". Then in verse 11, we read the famous phrase, "You are my Son, whom I love, with you I am well pleased."  It is at this point, "at once" that Jesus gets sent out into the desert.  It seems so strange, right after God is so pleased with Him, He puts Him to a test?  We think it isn't fair or that it isn't a way to show favour, is it?

This is the writer's point though.  He says, "the actual suddenness of the change is proof that it is not abnormal."  He goes on to say that the words "at once" actually bring comfort.  The words "at once" are used to "simply show that it is the sequel to the blessing.  God shines His light on you to make you fit for life's deserts, Gethesemanes, and Calvaries.  He lifts you to new heights to strengthen you so that you may go deeper still.  He illuminates you so He may send you into the night, making you a help to the helpless."

What is also interesting to note is that Jesus enters into a 40 day stand-off with Satan and immediately following that His ministry on Earth begins.  Perhaps that time in the Jordan was what got Him through.  His "mountain top" experience was what helped prepare Him.

I found that so encouraging as I often have days that are just amazing - blue sky, warm breezes, happy children....and then all of a sudden, bad news, or a fight breaks out and the eternal moment is lost...."at once".  If I see things with this new perspective, then I can handle the lows better.  Perhaps God has given me those eternal moments to help me through those low, darker times. 

About a year ago we were in a dark time with our other church.  It was just when Lent was about to start and I committed to a 40 day time of praying and fasting certain things asking the Lord to clarify what we were to do.  A year later, I look back as we are about to enter into the period of Lent again and I am amazed at what God has done in a year and how He answered all of my prayers during that time.  We now find ourselves in an amazing church under great leadership experiencing tremendous peace.  The potential to be involved is fantastic.  In fact our family (minus me and the younger ones) have signed up to be on a worship team.  I'm involved in the Ladies' ministry, my husband is involved with the men's ministry.  It gets better every week.  I'm convinced we were able to get through that dark time and come out the other side fairly unscathed due to all the prayer that was going on.  In fact, I think my 40 day prayer experience was exactly what got us through.  If I hadn't been so specifically praying and received such specific answers, I think I would have doubted why we suddenly found ourselves in the wilderness and not just for a week or two, but for many months.  I'm so glad to say, we made it out!  I praise God again for His goodness and the lessons we learned along the way.

Lent begins tomorrow.  We are not Catholic and I'm fairly certain that Lent has its roots in "tradition", even religion, earning your salvation, but that is not how we look at it.  We look at these next 40 days as an opportunity once again to devote ourselves to preparing for Easter and how we can celebrate the power of His resurrection.  Like I said, what He did a year ago amazes me, how He answered our prayers.  We are not making any of our kids do this if they are not led, but all of the older ones are committed to giving up something hard (dare I say ice cappuccinos?  My one daughter is slightly addicted, so that was big....)  We talked a long time about it last night, making sure they understood this is about the gospel, not just for the sake of tradition.  We are praying for hurting friends, nephews looking for work, families with children who have turned from the faith, and of course, freedom from the bondage of debt, for us and others.  It is a spiritual discipline, fasting, that Jesus expects us to do.  He doesn't say, "if you fast", He says, "When you fast...."  So that is what our next 40 days will look like.  I'm excited simply because of what God has done in our last year.  What will He do this year?

Lessons From a Fish Tank

I think I've explained before that we kind of feel like we have Team A and Team B, or two sets of kids, the older ones and the younger ones.  We realize we gave the older ones really unique experiences that the younger ones haven't had.  We don't necessarily have to repeat what we did, but if it was fun and they learned something from those experiences, why not repeat them?!  So this week we brought out the old aquariums that we had kept in storage for years and once again, we are stocking them up one fish at a time.

Fortunately this hasn't been an expensive hobby as we had already owned the aquariums, the stands...all the expensive things.  The fish aren't too bad, sometimes $1 a fish or $3.  What has been the most interesting is that RM hasn't had to really do anything except drive people there.  It has been our older son who we did this with in the first place who has done all the setting up, all the prepping of the tanks, everything!  This has spared RM from doing all that lugging around.  It has been amazing to realize all that our son had learned in the process all those years ago.  Now he is the expert passing it on to his little brothers, a true renaissance man in the coming.

Sometimes you feel badly as you see your children growing up and you wonder if you've missed out on watching them grow up.  With us, if that ever was the case, we feel so privileged to get a second opportunity!  And, the older ones get to watch, from a completely different perspective, what they would have looked like when they were that age, for example, when we first started talking about the fish, the tanks, then actually going to the store to pick them, then bringing them home.....it has been so fun to watch the little boys' eyes light up each time a new fish is added.  The older ones are enjoying it as much as we are as they observe the little ones' excitement.  They are nearly bursting with happiness, "Is it time to feed the fish?!"  They've already overfed them, stuck things in the tank, put their grubby fingers in....all the classics from round 1.

We didn't plan to do tanks this year, it just kind of happened.  Sometimes, I wonder if it is just another example of God's grace in our lives as we long to bless our kids, but we want to be wise with our money.  We want to give them experiences and memories, but without all the expense.  In the widow and the oil, Elijah asked her, "What do you have?"  We had tanks.  It occurred to RM, "We can do this!  We have tanks!"  Going to the fish store is better than any zoo - they have reptiles, birds, fish...even a big shark...and it's all free (well, to visit, anyway!). 

Manoah, Sampson's father, prayed "O Lord, please let the man of God whom you sent come again to us and teach us what we are to do with the child who will be born." (Judges 13:8)  We've often prayed a prayer like that, "Teach us what we are to do with all our children."  We want them to have many interests that will teach them many things.  We long for them to not be helpless and to know how to "do things" without having to hire for everything.  A simple thing like having the fish tanks helps us to achieve some of those goals.  Everyone learns so much from these little fish and it's really been a whole family experience so far.  We all went out together to pick the fish and walk around the store.  My little 3 and 5 year olds were guiding me everywhere. 

So I thank God for even the fish today.  It's fun to have them back in the house along with the running water sound.  What shocks all of us is that as you observe these little creatures, you start to notice they have personalities.  They are less than an inch long and yet you can see which one is the bully, which ones are the weaker ones, which ones think they should be in charge.....so funny, kind of like in our house! 

Alright...the week is off and running.

Cats and Groceries

I cannot say how happy I am to be writing again.  Laptops in our house just do not last very long.  Getting them fixed doesn't happen too fast around here either.  No computer?  No blogging.  I've resorted to a duct-tape version of a computer this morning so that I can at least get something on a screen. 

The last few weeks have been full of so many stories, I didn't want more time to pass so that I would forget them and they wouldn't get recorded.  Over the weekend I picked up and finished a book about a man from China who spent around 10 years of his life in a hard labour prison camp.  His wife
also spent time in prison for nearly 20 years of her life, just for being Christians. They both felt the call to be in ministry and they wondered why God would put them in such difficult circumstances when it was so clear they wanted to serve God.  Then God spoke to them and revealed to them that He had them exactly where He wanted them....in seminary....His Seminary.  It wasn't a brick-and-mortar-type of seminary, but a set of circumstances that would teach them the lessons He wanted them to learn.  He wanted them to learn absolute dependence on Him.  He wanted them to learn to truly love.  He wanted them learn faithfulness.  The list went on and on.  The types of courses offered in this seminary were much harder than a typical seminary would offer.  Once they
realized that, then somehow the trial wasn't so hard.  Somehow God met them, even in the prison labour camp, and made it bearable, which seems impossible to imagine.

We still find ourselves in a trying time.  I found myself reading that man's story and relating in a strange way.  I'm grateful I am not in a hard labour camp yet I do sometimes feel like it is a form of hard labour.  Much like that man, I wonder how this, could possibly be God's plan for my life.  I question Him and the way I see our circumstances and I think He's made a mistake.  It was so good to be reminded that He has me in seminary, His Seminary.  I know this.  I've even written about it before.  I needed the reminder. 

When I do realize this, then somehow our situation becomes more bearable.  I've definitely seen Him working this whole time when things have been tight.  He's been doing amazing things all along the way just to show us He's there right along with us.  Here's just a couple of the stories....

The Cat Story

A few months ago, our cat somehow broke his leg.  We don't know what happened.  He just showed up in our house limping.  Within a few weeks, though he was still limping, he had made what seemed to be a full recovery.  He got around fine, was eating, fighting with other cats...we knew he was going to be ok. But then one day, his leg was swollen.  Something wasn't right, perhaps an infection?  Right away, we thought to ourselves, "What are we going to do?"  We couldn't afford the vet visit or the drugs he would need or even the cost to put him down!  We decided we would just pray and give it a day and if things didn't improve on their own, we would take him in and just bite the bullet somehow.
The kids prayed. 

The next day, we noticed the swelling was completely gone.  In the middle of the night, it was as if the cat had done surgery on himself!  It appeared that there was a spot on his leg where he had bitten himself, or so it seemed, to release the pressure of the swelling.  In one day he had gone from not being able to put his leg on the ground to walk, to walking with all four legs on the ground!  He must have heard us talking and known his life was on the line!  We didn't want to put him down.  He's one of our favourite cats!  He was the one our neighbour stole and neutered for us and who then came back to live with us (much to her disappointment).  So we loved this cat!  We really think God gave us a little cat miracle.  It cost us nothing and we got our cat back.  He is now completely fine, fully recovered, with only a slight limp.  We think it is kind of special that God bothered to heal our little cat.  It was a child-version of a miracle.  A miracle our kids fully understood.  They saw how serious things were and they knew their favourite kitty was potentially going to die.  I think that shows just how much God loves us, to care enough to answer the prayers of children about their cat.

The Grocery Miracle

A few weeks ago, my husband got a little money in from a small hay order and so he tithed on it.  I was happy he felt compelled to do that.  I was just a little curious how much he had tithed.  When he told me, I immediately said, "Oh, that was what I was going to spend on groceries this week!"  Oh well, I figured I could make what we had left in the fridge stretch somehow.  I told the kids that morning, "Dad tithed this week exactly what I was going to spend on groceries.  It looks like we're going to have to see how God provides!"  My daughter immediately said, "I'm not worried.  God has always taken care of us."  She said it with such confidence, I had to agree. 

I then shared with the kids the verse from Malachi that speaks of robbing God of your tithes and offerings.  Then God says, "Put me to the test....if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need." (Mal. 3:10) 

That day, my mother-in-law, out of the blue, sent over my father-in-law with a pot of soup!  She does that sometimes, but of all the days, to get it that day just seemed like it was soup from heaven (and it was delicious!)

Two days later, my daughter went off to teach with my sister at the homeschool co-op where
she now works every week.  But she didn't come home right away.  When she did come home, she said, "Boys!  Come help with groceries!"  "What is going on?!"  I said with a curious, worried look.  "Aunt S bought us groceries."  Immediately I felt bad.  I guess my pride got the better of me.  My parents have helped us in the past and have often brought food for the fridge.  I wondered
if somehow my sister found out we were in a pinch and felt sorry for us.  I admit, it was hard to take.  I quickly called her to thank her and to ask her what compelled her to do this generous deed.  She said no one had said anything to her at all.  She said a picture just came into her mind when she was
standing in front of her own freezer.  In the picture she was grocery shopping with us in mind.  It was the Holy Spirit prompting her she figured, so she just acted on it.  I was very touched that she had been so sensitive to the Lord's prompting. I was then able to share how we were still waiting on more work and that, yes, it was a bit of a tighter time.  As extended families, particularly the sisters, sister-in-laws, and Mom, we had committed to really praying for one another.  She was going to keep praying for work for RM.

Only a few minutes later, after we had gotten off the phone, RM ran out to me as I was about to pull out of the driveway and told me he had gotten a contract!  Talk about a quick answer!

Later, it occurred to me, she had purchased just about everything I had planned on shopping for that week without knowing what had been on my list.  I asked my daughter what she figured she had spent.  When she told me, I was amazed - it was almost exactly what my husband had tithed and that was the exact amount I had planned on spending.  I couldn't get over how much it was like the verse from Malachi.  God had opened the heavens and poured out His blessing on us that week in such tangible ways.  Did I mention that the cat miracle was that same week?!  So God not only blessed us with food that week from sources we didn't expect, but He also took care of the cat!
We continue to stand amazed at His provision for us.  He is so creative!  He uses unexpected people at unexpected times and as they obey the Spirit's promptings, we get blessed in the process too!  Amazing. 

So you can see why it has been hard for me not to write.  God has been so good.  I want to shout it from the mountain tops!