Rest in the Struggle

Saturday we were on our own, just the girls, the little boys and me.  The older 3 boys and RM had gone on a day trip to pick up another piece of equipment we needed.  The first part of that day found me feeling really blue.  It bothered me so much that he had to drive so long (over 5 hours one way) all in the name of trying to make a little extra money to kill debt.  I must have been under some kind of attack as it was just so hard to see the good in all of this struggle.  Most days I'm fine.  I'm clearly seeing the Lord work, but then once in awhile, maybe when I'm tired and possibly because we're still in the midst of Lent, my defences are down.

Then, around noon, I asked my daughter to play this song, "Worn", by Tenth Avenue North.  I've included the video, if you're interested.  The artist captured how I was feeling that day.

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

That was my prayer that day.  I was feeling tired and worn.  It was becoming a longer struggle than I would have wished for.  I wanted to know the struggle would end.  That even that trip, so far away, was worth it.  I felt frail.  That day I needed to lift up my eyes.  I knew that, but again, was feeling too weak to do so.  In a way I was praying all day, yet still struggling.  After the song was over, I dried my wet eyes. Thanked God for the struggle yet again and went on with my day.  Somehow the cloud was lifted, I don't know exactly when, but the heaviness wasn't there as much.  RM and the boys had a great day. They were able to see an aviation museum when they were in Ottawa and lots of fast food which made their day awesome!  My 9 year old came in at 11 pm bouncing off the walls.  That's sugar and caffeine for you.  Once in awhile, once in a while.....

We made the rest of our day productive, too.  After a morning of cleaning, the house was looking good.  Then I started a sewing project, a little blanket for a newborn girl.  The whole day, my youngest boy was sad, too.  He felt ripped off that he'd been left behind with a bunch of girls.  He knew they were having fun without him.  So all day long I tried to make him feel special by telling him how important he was being the oldest boy left behind.  He needed to be "the Dad" while the real dad was gone.  He looooves being the oldest and wishes that he were, so that seemed to help.

After dinner, when we typically do family worship, I said to him, "Well, go gather everyone.  You are leading family worship today cause you're the Dad!"  "What?  Really?"  "Yes, go pick a Bible story you want to read.  You have to ask all the questions tonight."  He couldn't believe it.  He took this role very seriously.  He picked Jonah from The Beginner's Bible.  Perfect.  He knew it well and so I read it and after every short page he would ask a child a question.  "So why did Jonah run away?"  He looked to his 7 year old sister.  "Very good," he would say after her answer.   "Why did they throw Jonah in the water?"  Another sister would answer, taking him very seriously as well.  He did so well, kind of smirking to himself the whole time.  It was very sweet.  I was very proud of him as normally he is bouncing off walls himself.  Very tricky to get him to sit for a few short minutes.  But he was "the Dad".  He rose to the occasion.

Church was great.  Still in Hebrews.  The sermon was on "Rest", ch. 4.  It reminded me of how I longed for rest from the struggle.  God doesn't promise me rest from my struggle.  In fact, my struggle may never ever be over.  But I can still experience rest in the midst of my struggle.  The writer of Hebrews seemed concerned, in fact, if you couldn't experience rest, "...let us fear lest any of you should seem to have failed to reach it." (4:1)  If you haven't experienced rest, why not?  He promises rest to the believer.  He's available to us, why wouldn't we experience this available rest? The main reasons?  We're either not believers or our eyes are off Jesus.  That was probably my problem.  For that Saturday morning, I "fell away".  I stopped experiencing His rest because my eyes fell on my circumstances.  It is work to enter that rest, though.  Hebrews 4:11 says, "let us therefore strive to enter that rest..."  I needed to make a deliberate choice that morning, but it was way easier to be miserable.

Thank the Lord for His word that is "living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."  He saw me that day.  "No creature is hidden from His sight..."  He saw me, but I'm responsible for even my pity parties.  I have to give an account even for that, "...but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account." (4:13)  I don't think it's unusual to fall into those pits.  It will probably happen again, and He will pick me up again.  We are human and frail beings, so susceptible to the enemy's attacks.  But out of the pit, I can see things so clearly now.

One of our seniors in the church passed away on Saturday.  I accidentally sat in "his pew" on Sunday, right where he would have normally sat.  There was something really beautiful though about being where he had sat so many years.  He was a very godly man and left a godly legacy.  I plan on attending his funeral as I want to know more about him having only met him a few months ago.  I know he sees things differently now.  He has the advantage of truly seeing things clearly, from heaven's vantage point.  His struggle is over.  Dying was what ended his struggle on earth. Ultimately that will be the case for me, too.  I know my current earthly struggle will only be replaced by a different one if we ever conquer this debt.  I know that this side of heaven will always be imperfect.  I just need to continue to strive for rest while I'm here and it is achievable.  I can experience rest.  The writer says that only "some" will enter that rest though. There will be those who will fail to enter "because of disobedience" (4:6)  I want to be one of the people who experience rest, now, "Today". (4:7)  It is possible.  Unbelief, disobedience, myself...those are the things that keep me from experiencing it.  The struggle will end one day, that is certain, but rest is possible now, even on this side of heaven, right in the midst of my struggle.  Amen.