Submission - A Wife's Greatest Test

Does marriage have anything to do with debt?  Probably.  I'm trying to figure out a way to make it fit as I really want to write about it!


I got together with friends this week and boy, oh boy - heated discussions on marriage and the "S" word - Submission.  No one seems to like that word for some reason.  But the Bible clearly calls us to submit.  (Still trying to figure out a debt tie-in here....I'm sure it'll come...)


I think what I was hearing was that most women think they are submitting to their husbands, I know I thought I was submissive, but they aren't really.  Neither was I. They think submission is letting their husbands make the "big" decisions, but that isn't submission.


Maybe one of the first debt tie-ins is the deception and pride issue.  Much like when we thought we were so good with our money, but we were far from it.  I think we as women start telling ourselves what great wives we are and how lucky our husbands are to have such wonderful women in their lives, but again, the reality is that we should be on our faces, confessing the truth - we stink at wife-dom.  We can only succeed with God's help, not in our own strength or giving ourselves any pats on the back.


Secondly, once we have a true understanding of our sinful wifey-ness, we need to ask for our eyes to be opened.  We need the Holy Spirit's illumination into these very difficult passages.  I did this maybe 12 years ago - I thought I had a good marriage before, but it turned into a spectacular marriage.  All because of submission.


I simply asked God to show me what areas I wasn't submitting.  Don't pray that prayer unless you really want God to show you, because you won't like it.  God immediately brought to mind 3 awful areas in my relationship with Renaissance Man that needed to change.  I've shared these with some women before, so bear with me....These will reveal what true submission is.


#1 - Phone Numbers.  Yup, phone numbers.  I am like Rain Man.  I know phone numbers of friends and family from the time I was a kid.  I probably know enough phone numbers to make a the Guinness Book of World Records.  But my husband doesn't.  This always boggled my mind.  How can an engineer, who is no joke, borderline genius, not know a phone number of someone that he's called for years?  He can remember equations for physics and engineering purposes, but not a simple 10 digit number.  How is this possible?  Because it is a test of submission.  One I failed for a number of years.  Until I prayed that prayer.  You see, I'd been answering his phone number questions in an horrific and exasperated tone, "Why don't you know that number?  Yes, I suppose I could tell you - seems odd you don't know it......"  Do you hear my tone?  Pretty snarky.  What would ensue was an immediate put-off-ness towards me.  I had disrespected him and made him look like a fool.  He wasn't as smart as me.  I was sending the message that he was pathetic.  So sad.


#2 - Directions.  Again, pretty pathetic, but I know how to get places.  I have a good sense of direction and love trying to find shorter, more interesting ways to get to where I want to go.  RM has a good sense of direction, too, but NEVER to places I want to go.  How 'bout my sister's place or my mom's place or somewhere we've been going FOR YEARS!!!!  "Where do I turn?"  "What do you mean, 'Where do I turn'.  We turn LEFT (read more snarkiness) - we've been going here for years.  Why don't you remember where to turn??????"  It drove me CRAZY!!!!  I would literally stew in the seat beside him because I thought he was, let's say, not as smart as me, to know where to go.  In my head, I was losing respect for him because he asked for directions!  This did not make him happy as he sensed this and there was always a cold, frozen atmosphere in the car after I spoke to him like that.  Very awful.


#3 - Coffee.  My parents have a great marriage and I watched how my Dad loved my Mom my whole life.  One awesome example of this was with coffee!  This was, in fact, how my love of coffee started.  Dad was a morning person, still is, and wakes up at the ungodly hour of 5 am (just like me).  He makes a pot of coffee, to this day, enjoys his paper, catching up on the business world, etc., and then after a while, puts it in a thermos, grabs another mug and up it goes to my sleeping mom, so that when she wakes up she can have a fresh cup of hot coffee in bed!!!!!  Is that not the sweetest thing you've ever heard??????  I couldn't wait for my husband to do the same.  But guess what, he's not a morning person - I am!  This stinks!  So there I was, stewing again, downstairs, each morning as a new wife, a new mom, and I was awake with the babies and he was upstairs sleeping, not knowing I was downstairs, miserable, thinking, jealously, of my mom, enjoying her coffee in bed.  It wasn't fair.  How many times did he come down to a cold shoulder?   I didn't dare communicate my angry feelings to him, so I just didn't talk.  Nice, eh?


After I prayed that prayer and those 3 areas were revealed to me, I confessed and was determined to try to do better and make those necessary changes.  I had an opportunity almost immediately.  He needed a phone number, "Sure," I said sweetly and immediately gave it to him.  "Thanks, honey."  Big smile, no fight.  Hmmm....that seemed to go well and it didn't even hurt to tell him the number!  If I didn't know the number, which was rare, then I had to go to the phone book - mmmmm.....that was an extra step I hadn't expected!  Can you believe it!  That's when I realized what was truly bothering me was he was making me go the extra mile and I didn't like it!  It came down to selfishness I think.  He was encroaching on my time.  Surrendering that, in the name of peace in our marriage, was what was needed.  So, going to the phone book, the whole extra minute that took, was now not a problem.  No more tension!


As for directions - which way do I turn?  Left - that simple.  I just answered him without all the extra words, tone, and disrespect.  Even if it meant the entire way to my sister's house.  I just stopped all the fussing.  When we arrived at my sister's, we arrived HAPPY!  Before, we would arrive angrily and would have to put on a fake smile upon arrival.  All tension disappeared in our car drives.


Now for the biggie - coffee.  Oh no.  What was God suggesting?  This one was really hard for me.  So many things were wrapped up in this one.  It really came down to me being the morning person and that frustrated me to no end.  I heard the idea in my head, "Make the coffee."  I had been making the coffee, that's what bothered me.  "Bring it to him."  NO WAY.  I fought this one for a long time.   Fine.  So I did.  You wouldn't believe his reaction.  Absolute shock and pleasure at the same time!  Then, I heard, "Make him breakfast."  This was getting more and more difficult.  At the time he was working downtown and he had been buying a coffee and muffin on the way to work - very expensive and hardly nourishing.  So I made him an awesome breakfast before he left.  He was so touched and so appreciative.  It gets worse.  "Make him lunch."  Do you hear the struggle in my head?  I had done more than enough already.  But I was determined to obey.  So I made him lunch, a great lunch.  He couldn't believe it.  This was also saving us a ton of money.  I should have done these things all along!  Now, I was starting to see how this pleased him.  Even the guys at work noticed what great food he was getting and were slightly jealous!


What happened after that was love, love, love.  He loved me!  He praised me.  He couldn't say how much he appreciated me.  I was a queen.  All because I had laid my life down and said, no more to selfishness.  He tells me all the time what a great wife I am.  I used to tell myself that, but it was never true.  The praise is supposed to come from others, not ourselves, Scripture says.


Martyrdom is a woman's greatest enemy.  I fell into that trap for awhile before I learned these tough lessons.  Anger is another enemy in our marriages.  Tone of voice is THE GREATEST enemy.  You know what I mean.  Each time we refuse to submit, or we feel anger towards our husbands, or we use a snarky tone of voice, a brick of is added to the wall between our husbands and ourselves.  This cannot be.


Having learned submission in those 3 areas changed our marriage.  I was now open to other areas God would continue to show me - such as being more careful in the area of money.  This wasn't an area of tension, per se, but it was a way I could be less selfish, and respect him more and the effort he made in providing for our family (there's a little financial tie-in!)


I continue to be tested daily - will I submit?  Will I bring him a tea after a hard day's work?  Will I make him not just coffee in the morning, not just breakfast and lunch, but now that he is home, will I make him a snack, another snack, another snack.....and dinner?!  Sometimes I'm in awe of how many things I'm bringing food to him just to keep him going, to save him time from looking in the fridge for something to eat.....I would have snapped his head off 12 years ago when I hadn't learned these lessons.   He's lost 14 lbs now and, if I do say so myself, it's because of submission!  I decided I would help him - he couldn't do it on his own - he didn't have time to create a meal plan or to cook it all!  He's going to be a healthier man because of my submission.  He'll be around longer because of my submission.  It's true!


What I get in return, like I said, is love.  I will do these things all day long until the day I die - it is my pleasure, my honour, a privilege. 


I challenge you to do the same, but be warned, by praying that prayer, your marriage will never be the same.