I'm a Fox - My Baby Story

The reason what I heard on the weekend resonated so much with me was what woman after woman said as some stood up and gave their testimonies.  I had never heard teaching like this about the woman's role before in any church.  And trust me, I looked for it.  There was, right from the beginning, a desire in me to be a mother.  As soon as I knew I was of marrying age, I longed for a husband.  As soon as I was granted a husband, I longed for children.  Don't get this confused with discontentment - it was a God-given longing - it is how I was created, but I was told to fight it!  The advice we were given and somehow sensed from others is that it would be wrong to have children right away.  We were supposed to wait and enjoy our childlessness for at least a year.  Why?  I look back on that now and that year taught us nothing but selfishness as we certainly enjoyed ourselves and got into more debt in the process as we took little trips, went out for dinner all the time....it was an awesome year, don't get me wrong, but I was constantly thinking about babies and when we would be able to have one. 

At one point, as I was on birth control, I slipped up and missed taking a pill.  I told my doctor and she said, there is a strong chance you could be pregnant.  Oh my goodness, I nearly died of excitement.  I quickly got blood work done and was nearly out of my mind hoping for an "accident".  Shouldn't that have told me something???  When I got the news back that I wasn't, I cannot tell you the disappointment I felt.  It was just like the loss of a baby.

Then, on our first anniversary, we finally thought, ok, let's think about trying sometime this year.  Maybe by our next anniversary.  I can't remember exactly when we went off the pill, but we had heard you should go off it before you start trying.  For whatever reason, we did and for whatever reason, we started thinking it might be ok if it happened a little sooner than we had discussed at our first anniversary dinner.  In April, only a few months after that talk about when it should happen, we found ourselves pregnant.  Once again, I was over the moon.  I was so excited and knew it was a blessing as my own sister had struggled with infertility and had adopted her first son, so I knew I was not necessarily immune.  I had other friends in their late 20s who also struggled with infertility.  This was a gift, and I knew it.

It's funny how I was embarrassed to tell people.  I found out that there is a happy reaction to most announcements, especially the first two, but after that, eyebrows get raised and it is no longer such a happy announcement.

My first baby was a "walk in the park".  Sure, I had my new mother issues with nursing and weird reasons for crying, but it was as if she had read the book on being a good baby and she was so unbelievably predictable that I could tell you when she was going to go to the bathroom, to the minute, when she would cry, how long she would nap, when she needed to eat.....she was like clockwork.  I was clearly an amazing mother!  Ha.

Right back to birth control though as you don't want to have back-to-back babies we were told.  My husband was feeling the financial pressure right from the get-go, so no babies right away was good with him.  Fortunately, my doctor told us the pill was a bad idea (can't believe this to this day) as it can cause serious side effects including blood clots.  My first pregnancy had given me an awful varicose vein in my leg and one look at that told her that I shouldn't use the pill.  Though she wasn't a Christian I am so glad for that advice as I found out later it can abort babies, too.

Because I was such a good mother and was creating such perfect babies, I was a little bored, so I thought, "This baby needs a sibling."  I somehow convinced my husband to let me have another baby, which I wanted sooooo badly.  I was still nursing and didn't have a cycle, so I literally took tests every six weeks until one of them finally showed two lines!  I was never a very sick pregnant lady (thank you, Lord!), so I couldn't use that as a sign.  These first two babies were only 15 and a half months apart - like twins, I was told.  The next baby was huuuge and made my stomach stretch so I was one of those tacky pregnant ladies constantly scratching her belly!  The first one gave me the varicose vein, the second one gave me the belly stretch marks.  Ah, signs of love, to me.

This baby didn't read the book.  I found out I wasn't so perfect a mother and that I actually needed to rely on God, not myself.  He was a rough baby and didn't sleep through the night for ages.  Now, I look back and wish I had understood that that's not the goal in parenting!!!!!!  I wish I had loved him more in the middle of the night instead of stuffing a soother in his mouth.  Regrets stink, but I now talk to all mothers and try to get them to understand it can be the most beautiful part of parenting, to love them, hold them, comfort them, in those wee hours of the morning that go so fast. 

Because he was so much more "work" (at least I saw it that way then), we both agreed, a little space in between would be a good thing.  More birth control.  But even though I was struggling, sleep deprived, etc., all I could think about was another baby!  How could this be????  I've got my boy.  I've got my girl.  The millionaire's family, I was told.  I should have been happy.  People said if you got to three than you are outnumbered!  Heaven forbid!  So we started to interview other families with 3 - how did they survive????  It seemed like so many!  My pastor's wife told me, and it boggles my mind, "Three is great!  A pair and a spare!"  Yeah, good reason - have a spare child.  I'm sure she was joking, but was she?

Once again, I somehow convinced my husband this was a good idea.  He was loving being a dad, but the financial side was a little stressful for him.  He admits this now, but his faith was not that great in God and His provision.  We never missed a meal during that time and never have, but he just couldn't get his head around more.  But he caved eventually!  I easily got pregnant again and was even bigger this time - so big that my stomach muscles ripped apart - so big that you could sit on the couch beside me and hear little clicks!  I have proof!  My husband and midwife heard the clicks, too!  It was my actual stomach muscles ripping apart one by one - unbelievable.  This baby was 26 months after the second.

Each pregnancy, each delivery, had been wonderful.  I was always overdue with each one and always had 3 day labours, but other than that, very simple and uncomplicated.  Everyone told me that was why I kept having children as I was "lucky" and if I had had hard pregnancies or hard deliveries I wouldn't have kept going. 

The third baby read the book on being a wonderful compliant child, but didn't read the book on sleep, so I went through many sleepless nights, but was getting a little better at letting him nurse through the night.  Still wish I had been less worried about that.  All the books out at the time told you to make them sleep through. 

Now we were outnumbered.  Surely there would be no more, but the baby was only a few months and sure enough, there was that maternal longing again.  I was driving my husband nuts!  I would talk about it all the time!  This time there were fewer people to interview!  But we found a couple and they were all for it.  I had come from four - it wasn't crazy, it was awesome!  So, once again, we found ourselves pregnant, with our fourth.  The gaps were getting bigger between kids - this one was two years 6 months.  The reason my husband agreed this time was he finally was realizing that God was providing with each child and it was actually a faith issue for him.  Once he realized that, he was ok and knew God would provide, which of course He did.

Are you seeing a pattern?  The fifth was by far the biggest decision.  We were about to celebrate our 10th anniversary and I was on my husband's case again with that longing that would not leave me.  I started to do internet research, don't laugh, to see what it said about large families.  For fun I would google, "I want to have more kids, what should I do?"  I found one site where a woman blogged and said, "Well, I finally stopped at three because I figured that I'll always have that maternal longing and I'm not going to have a baby each time I get that desire, so I'll just be happy with the three I have.  Otherwise, I might end up with a ridiculous amount of children!"  Again, heaven forbid.  That didn't help.  I read the Bible, of course.  It seemed to only welcome children, but I was looking for numbers, not principles, at that time.  I wanted the Bible to tell me, "You should have this many children." 

My husband was really feeling the stretch financially again, or should I say his faith was.  There was no one to interview anymore.  I challenged him, gently, on our 10th anniversary dinner, to please consider another baby or at least to tell me why we couldn't have one, from a Biblical perspective.  I would cry out in the shower each morning, "Lord, I'll have as many children as you want me to have!"  I prayed for my husband.  I tried to rest in his leadership even in this area.  One time, I heard a kid's message on Noah.  The man teaching the session kept saying, "Noah built the ark."  Over and over he said the phrase, "Noah built the ark."  My husband was there when I watched this and I looked over at him as we were both a little concerned that we were now jumping in to the realm of "strange, large family".  "Noah built the ark, " I said to him.  I really saw having another child similar to building an ark in a world where no one was having children.

That week, he heard a teaching about husbands and wives.  He listened as the pastor talked about loving your wife.  Suddenly it occurred to him - my wife gets promptings all the time about children.  Perhaps God is speaking to me through her.  Perhaps God wants me to love her by listening to her promptings!  Yes!  That was it!  The fifth child came 2 years and 9 months after the last one.  The biggest gap yet as it took so long for him to come around.  I was so grateful.  It was also the first homebirth and the most amazing experience yet.

When  I was pregnant with our fifth, we heard, finally, some Biblical teaching on why I was having all these ridiculous promptings to have more children.  The speaker said, "We apply for curses (in the form of debt), yet we reject what the Bible says are blessings."  This was revolutionary thinking for me, for both of us.  We were refusing the gifts God wanted to give us.  Everything changed in that moment.  We looked at our debt situation and decided no more, debt, that is - we were going to do everthing in our power to get rid of it.  Then, after the 5th was born, my husband said to me, "We will have as many children as God wants to give us. "  What??!!!  I couldn't believe my ears.  We were now a huge family in some people's eyes, now we were just plain weird. 

If the fifth announcement was hard, the sixth was even harder.  I found I was back to being embarrassed with the 7th and the 8th was, well, not good.  When I lost the 9th, there were some people who never even knew as I couldn't bring myself to tell them, get the bad reaction, and then have them secretly relieved when I lost it, so I just avoided not telling them.  Of course, it wasn't all bad, my many friends with large families rejoiced. 

Nancy asked a room of 40 or so women if they'd ever had a positive reaction from Christians, in particular, within the church, where people jumped up and down saying "How wonderful!  Praise God!!!!" with their large family announcements.  NO ONE RAISED THEIR HAND.  Except one.  She said two strangers had said how wonderful it was and that she was blessed.  Those people probably weren't even Christians!  I didn't raise my hand as I was thinking of how people have reacted in the greater Christian community, not so much my family.  I've been fortunate with family and have received calls that have welcomed the new baby - I don't think I could have gone on as easily without that kind of support.  But, outside of that,  most reactions have not been so positive.  My church is also highly unusual, as most of the moms homeschool and are having large families, so it has been always received warmly, but from my previous church, I was seriously challenged.  Even from another pastor's wife who said, "Don't do that to your kids," when I told her we were thinking of having our fifth.  Why?!  I was shocked.  She had come from 7, but it hadn't been positive for her as she was the oldest daughter and was made to look after all the younger children.  Don't know what went wrong there, but she thought large families were damaging to the older children.  My older kids love having babies.

The Bible says in Psalm 107:41, "...but he raises the needy out of affliction and makes their families like flocks.  The upright see it and are GLAD, and all wickedness SHUTS ITS MOUTH.  Whoever is wise, let him attend to these things; let them consider the steadfast love of the Lord."

The principle there is that making a family like a flock is considered a blessing!  Taking care of the needy and making their family like a flock might mean more than one child!  A flock is usually quite a few, if you picture a herd of sheep.  The upright are supposed to see this and be glad!  But sadly, it isn't that way.  We are to be considered wise when we see this and see it as God's steadfast love towards us.

I wish I had understood this earlier on.  I'm so glad my eyes were finally opened to how I was created and what I was created to do - to be a wife and a mother.  I've never felt such fulfillment.  When I was a teacher, I enjoyed the kids in my class, sort of.  But if anything it just made me want my own even more.  I've compared myself to foxes before, just for example.  I've pretended that Mrs. Fox has found out that having little foxes is just ridiculous, that having so many foxes is really quite draining.  So she goes to Mr. Fox and tells him, "I really think we shouldn't have any more foxes.  I think we should use birth control and have a bit of a gap."  Can you picture it?  How crazy????!  It would never happen.  Having foxes is what being a fox is all about.  I know I'm comparing myself to something without a soul, but the point is, I know what I'm created to do - I love having children, love being pregnant, love delivery babies, love drowning in the chaos - I love it all!!!!  I no longer fight what God has placed in my heart.  The longings are finally explained.  It was never discontentment, it was Him speaking to my mothering heart that was buried below what the world expected of me.

You would have thought baby after baby would have come.  According to our math, I could have potentially had 12 kids, but once I figured out the idea of nursing through the night to slow down the cycle and let my cycle come back at a natural time instead of a man-made time, the closest gap was only 20 months and quite frankly I loved having them close together.  Both my husband and I wish we had more children.  There, I've admitted it!  We wish we'd figured out God's plan earlier on, but we can't live in regret.  We sure do try to communicate what we've learned if given a chance though.  Even if I'd had 12 or more, life goes so fast and eventually, as I'm learning, your body does shut down, it does know that you can't have children forever.  The greatest length of time for the average woman is perhaps 20 years of childbearing - unheard of by the world's standards, but in the big picture, if I live to even just 80, that's only 20 years of my whole life - that's not much!  I can handle it!  My oldest is turning 17 soon - how did that happen?  So I can already see what a blip in life it is.  I embrace it.

That's my baby story.  I found out I'm a fox, or a vixen, if you ask my husband (so to speak!).  I'm 45 now.  It may be over.  If it is, I'm so grateful for the 8 I was blessed with.  If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I'd be thrilled.  I know I look older now, but I would love it!  Oh, and one other funny thing...with every baby....every baby.....my husband's income went up after the baby was born.  Coincidence?  Or God's provision.